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THE ETIQUETTE OF TO-DAY 



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by Edith B. Ordway 



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George Sully & Company 

NEW YORK 



THE ETIQUETTE 
OF TO-DAY 

Revised and Enlarged 

by 

EDITH B/OKDWAY 
Author of "The Opera Book," etc. 



NEW YORK 
GEOEGE SULLY AND COMPANY 



Wt 



Copyright, 1918 
By Sully and Kleinteich 



Revised Edition, Copyright, 1920 

By George Sully and Company 
All rights reserved 




PRINTED IN U. S. A. 

NOV -2 1920 

§)CU601305 

^ i 



PKEEACE 



The customs of social life need frequent re- 
stating and adaptation to new needs. They 
are customs because they are the best rules of 
conduct that have been garnered from the expe- 
riences of succeeding generations under com- 
mon conditions. 

To know them, to catch their spirit, and to 
follow them in an intelligent way, without 
slavish punctiliousness but with careful ob- 
servance, make one skillful in the art of social 
intercourse, and at home in any society. 

Etiquette will not take the place of character, 
nor of an accurate knowledge of human nature 
and the arts of practical life. Given these, 
however, it will unlock to any man or woman 
doors of success and profit and real happiness 
which, without it, would have remained for- 
ever closed. 

e. b. o. 



"We feel 'at home' wherever we know 
how to conduct ourselves." 

T. L. Nichols 



CONTENTS 



CHAPTER PAGE 

I. The Rewards of Etiquette 
II. Personality 

III. Family Etiquette .... 

Obligations of the Married 
General Rules of Conduct . 
Table Etiquette 

Anniversaries 

The Giving of Presents 
Intimate Friends .... 
Illness in the Home 
Courtesy to Servants . 

IV. Conversation and Correspondence . 

The Art of Conversation 
Correspondence .... 

Paper 

Ink 

Handwriting .... 

Sealing, Stamping, and Directing 
of Envelopes .... 

Salutation, Conclusion, and Signa- 
ture of Letters 

Letters of Introduction . 

Letters of Recommendation . 

Third-Person Letters 

Informal Invitations and Announce- 
ments 

Letters of Condolence 

Answering Letters 



vi Contents 

CHAPTER PAGE 

V. Casual Meetings and Calls ... 78 

Greetings and Recognitions . . 78 

Introductions 84 

Calls 90 

Social Calls of Men .... 92 

First Calls 94 

VI. The Personal Card and the Engraved 

Invitation 96 

Form of Card 96 

Inscription 97 

Titles . . . . . . .100 

Use ...... 102 

The Engraved Invitation . . . : 105 
Dining and Party Invitations . 108 
Wedding Invitations and Announce- 
ments 114 

Various Announcement Cards . 119 

VII. Behavior in Public 122 

VIII. The Art of Being a Guest ... 137 

IX. Duties of Host an 1 Hostess . . . 145 

Breakfasts and Luncheons . . . 148 

The Formal Dinner . . . . 149 

Visits . m 158 

Special Duties of the Country Hostess 161 

Public Functions 165 

X. Duties of the Chaperon . . .169 

XI. Etiquette of the Marriage Engagement 174 
The Proposal . . . . . .174 

Announcement of Engagement . .179 

Bridal " Showers " .... 181 

The Broken Engagement . . . 183 

Preparation for a Wedding . . 185 

XII. The Conduct of a Wedding ... 194 

The Church Wedding .... 194 

The Home Wedding .... 201 

The Wedding Breakfast ... 204 



Contents vii 

CHAPTER PAGE 

The Wedding Journey ... 208 
The Wedding Fee .... 208 
Wedding Presents . . . .210 
The Country Wedding ... 212 

XIII. Etiquette for Children . . . .214 

XIV. Etiquette of Mourning .... 224 
XV. Military, Naval, and Flag Etiquette 231 

The Formal Military Wedding . .231 
Naval and Yachting Usage . . 232 
Etiquette of the Flag ... 233 

INDEX 237 



" The secret of success in society is a certain 
heartiness and sympathy. A man who is not 
happy in the company cannot find, any word in 
his memory that will fit the occasion. All his 
information is a little impertinent. A man who 
is happy there finds in every turn of the con- 
versation equally lucky occasions for the intro- 
duction of that which he has to say. The 
favorites of society, and what it calls whole 
souls, are able men, and of more spirit than wit, 
who have no uncomfortable egoism, but who 
exactly fill the hour and the company, con- 
tented and contenting, at a marriage or a 
funeral, a ball or a jury, a water party or a 
shooting match.'' 

Emerson. 



THE ETIQUETTE OF 
TO - DAY 

CHAPTER I 

THE REWARDS OF ETIQUETTE 

Society is a game which all men play. 
" Etiquette " is the name given the rules of the 
game. If you play it well, you win. If you 
play it ill, you lose. The prize is a certain sort 
of happiness without which no human being is 
ever quite satisfied. 

Because the demand for social happiness is 
thus fundamental in human nature, the game 
has to be played quite seriously. If played 
seriously, it is perforce successful, even when 
the outward signs of triumph are lacking. 
Played seriously, it becomes a worthy part of 
the great enterprise of noble living, the science 
of which is called "Ethics." Therefore the best 
etiquette is that which is based upon the funda- 
mental principles of ethics. 



2 



The Etiquette of To-day 



The etiquette, as well as the ethics, of to-day 
may well be summed up in the one maxim 
known as the " Golden Rule " : " Do unto 
others as you would that others should do unto 
you." Or in the philosophic statement of it, 
given by Kant : " Act so that the maxim of thy 
conduct shall be fit to be universal law. 7 ' 

A certain social sense is, therefore, the 
foundation upon which all concerted action 
rests ; and this, permeating the character and 
winning conformity in the life, produces a 
social order which is at once the criterion of 
civilization and the source of its power. 

Every social code presupposes th^ trained 
personality, that is, the individual who is in- 
telligent enough and controlled enough to con- 
form to the rules prescribed for the good of all. 
It is only in the common good that true indi- 
vidual good can be found. Therefore is it fo 
essential that every man regard his brother's 
welfare as anxiously as his own, and permit 
himself to be curbed in his extravagances, lim- 
ited in the indulgence of even legitimate de- 
sires, in order that he may not defraud an- 
other, or menace the general well-being. 

Not only in social life, but in business, pol- 
itics, and international relations, this principle 
of the common good as the ultimate goal, the 
supreme authority for conduct, holds good. To 
it society approaches, now by direct progress and 



The Rewards of Etiquette 3 



now by seeming reaction, but ever with a higher 
evaluation of justice. This is shown in the ful- 
fillment of both small and large obligations. 

Following the rules of courtesy, men give to 
each other that deference which each believes is 
his own due, and each receives in return two- 
fold the deference that he sincerely gives. Men 
show, at home and abroad, the courtesy to 
women in general that they would wish shown 
to those of their family, and thereby the stand- 
ard of respect for woman is so lifted that even 
the city street at night is a safe place for a 
woman to pass unaccosted, if it is necessary for 
her to go unattended. 

Rigidly do we hold ourselves to the estab- 
lished rules of good breeding, endeavoring to 
make of ourselves all that Nature will permit; 
and we are surprised to find that Nature's own 
gentlemen and gentlewomen gather about us, 
and rare souls look to us for companionship, as 
finding in us kindred spirits. 

No field so surely bears a like harvest as the 
one sown with the seeds of good-will and con- 
sideration for others. 

Etiquette tells us how to accomplish what we 
desire, — to make clear the path to the goal 
of high companionship with many worthy 
minds, — and enables us to get out of social in- 
tercourse the honey that is hidden there. 
Without it, as social beings, we should be as 



4 The Etiquette of To-day 



workmen without tools, architects without ma- 
terial, musicians without instruments. 

After all, howeyer, etiquette is only a tool, 
and should never be mistaken for the finished 
work itself. How you carry yourself at a recep- 
tion is not a matter of so great moment, as is 
the fact that you went, and there exchanged 
certain worth-while thoughts with certain 
people. It is the people, the thoughts they gave 
you and you gave them, and the practical influ- 
ence on your life of those people and those 
thoughts, which are of moment. 

J ust as, from a' musicale, you must carry the 
music away in your soul, either in definite 
memories or in a refreshed and more joyous 
frame of mind, or it is of no avail that you 
attended, so from social intercourse it is abso- 
lutely necessary that you carry away the in- 
spiration of meeting others and the thoughts 
that they have given you, and garner from 
those help and guidance in your life, or the 
most elaborate of toilets, the most perfect of 
manners, and the .most ceremonious of customs 
are of little worth. 

The tool, however, becomes invaluable when 
the master desires to create. Therefore, if we 
wish to gain from social life the enjoyment 
and happiness and help which it should 
yield, we should become familiar with the prac- 
tice of the best forms of etiquette, so that we 



The Rewards of Etiquette 5 

shall have skill and aptitude in their applica- 
tion. 

The rewards of etiquette are, therefore, both 
spiritual and material. That fine poise of soul 
which restrains all selfish and unlovely ten- 
dencies, that clear insight which sees the in- 
dividual as but a single unit in the composite 
of the human race, that high aspiration which 
culls only the best from the mingled elements 
of life, — all these come from a true and sin- 
cere adherence to the spirit of courteous ob- 
servances, and each of these is its own reward. 

On the other hand, human hearts open only 
to gentle influences, and all that it is in the 
power of human beings to bestow upon one an- 
other comes most readily and most lavishly to 
those who outrage no social instinct. To be 
highly and sincerely honored socially means to 
be well loved, and that must mean to be lovable. 
Wealth and family position are matters of 
chance as far as the individual is concerned, 
but good breeding is a matter of personal desire 
and effort. It makes for power and influence, 
and often literally commands the wealth and 
position which the accident of birth has refused. 
It is the necessary colleague of intellectual 
ability in winning the farthest heights of suc- 
cess, and makes the plains of mediocre attain- 
ment habitable and pleasant 



CHAPTER n 



PERSONALITY 

The social world is a world of personalities. 
Each individual has a value and importance 
according to the sum total of his characteristics, 
physical, mental, and moral. Other and more 
external facts enter into his social position, hut 
in the circle of his friends and acquaintances, in 
whatever grade of society he may move, his 
place is determined hy his personality. Per- 
sonality alone is the final test of a man's worth 
to society. 

A man's worth to the business world as a 
doer, maker, or as any other executive, his 
worth to the state as an incorruptible official, 
his worth to his family as a devoted husband 
and father, his worth to literature or art as a 
thinker or maker, — these values are imprinted 
upon his personality, howbeit with almost im- 
perceptible lines. 

If a man would present a pleasing personal- 
ity as his claim for recognition in society, he 
must not neglect his mental attitude, his ap- 



Personality 



7 



pearance, his manners, or his speech. They 
are all true expressions of his real self, and 
they, together with his deeds, are all that his 
fellow men have by which to appraise his real 
worth. 

Character is the foundation of all true cour- 
tesy, for manners are but minor morals, as 
many a writer has shown. It is not the part 
of a book on etiquette to tell how to keep out 
of prison, or to explain that one should be 
honorable and should do no murder. No book 
or person, however, can inculcate etiquette with- 
out showing that the roots of all true courtesy 
lie deep in the spirit of unselfish consideration 
for others. To master this spirit until it be- 
comes one's own is the best fitting one can have 
for social achievement. Such consideration is 
the touchstone by which all social customs are 
tried, to see whether they be worthy of per- 
petuation or not. It is the sure test of correct 
conduct under all circumstances, and can be so 
utilized in case of doubt. 

A veneer of virtue long passes as currency in 
no society. It is necessary to have character 
in order to be respected. As etiquette is 
founded upon certain simple virtues, it is neces- 
sary, at least, to affect the semblance of them. 
To be long effective they must be sincere, as a 
little experience shows. 

Among the minor moral virtues which in 



8 The Etiquette of To-day 



social life are of major importance are those 
of self-control, sincerity, and unselfishness. 

There is no place for anger in social life. To 
give expression among a group of people to any 
strong feeling, no matter how justified it may 
be, is not courteous, because you may be inad- 
vertently treading upon the beliefs or prejudices 
of some of your hearers. There are times when 
debate and the taking of sides on questions of 
common interest are in order, but that is not 
usually in the mixed society of men and 
women, who are supposedly dropping, for a 
time, the burdens of life for the sake of enjoy- 
ment and recreation. 

Self-control is necessary not only in the con- 
stant curbing of anger and the more violent 
emotions, but in pushing into the background 
one's personal desires in order that one may do 
one's social duty. A bridesmaid may have 
assumed the obligations of that honor, and then 
found that, for personal reasons, they were dis- 
tasteful to her. She should not, however, per- 
mit herself to fail in one iota of her duty. The 
always-remembered disappointment of the bride, 
or bridegroom, if either bridesmaid or best 
man should fail, at a time when life should be 
as full of happiness as it possibly could, should 
more than offset the pain of even difficult con- 
trol on the part of the chosen friend, in order 
to carry out his or her obligations satisfactorily. 



Personality 



9 



In thousands of minor circumstances the 
need of absolute self-command for the sake of 
social virtues is evident. The man and woman 
who can so control themselves, and think only 
of others, win warm places in the hearts of 
their friends. 

It is a dreary thing to be always sustaining 
a sham of any sort. Sincerity has its pleasure 
as well as its virtue. One should seek to be 
sincere, as perhaps no social virtue is of greater 
importance than this. The possibilities of de- 
velopment of character and of the betterment 
of social customs depend upon the exercise of 
this virtue. For that reason it is well to follow 
carefully the acknowledged rules of etiquette, 
in the hope and expectation of growing into the 
attitude of mind which will make them a natu- 
ral expression of one's self. 

" The little observances of social life," savs 
Dr. T. L. Nichols in his book on " Social Life," 
" are more important than many people think 
them. The outward signs or expressions of any 
sentiment not only manifest it to others, but 
help to keep it active in ourselves. This is the 
use of all ceremony and ritualism in religion 
. . . and the same principle governs all social 
ceremonies and observances." 

Without unselfishness and a fine considera- 
tion for others, the art of etiquette would be 
impossible. True etiquette learns no maxims 



10 The Etiquette of To-day 



to practise mechanically. Rather, it learns all 
the maxims upon which it may have to draw, 
and practises them only as the considerate heart 
sees an opportunity and desires to embrace it. 

Personal appearance is next to character in 
importance. The most important factors in 
this, with the average person, are not those 
that Nature alone is responsible for, but those 
that the individual himself is alone responsible 
for. Beauty is a pleasant thing, and not to be 
despised, although beauty alone is of little 
worth. The social conquests of history have 
not been confined to the possessors of beauty, 
and there have been many notable cases where 
decided plainness and even ugliness was the lot 
of one who nevertheless was a person of great 
charm. 

One's figure and bearing count perhaps for 
most, as they give the first and distant impres- 
sion, and are, as it were, the outlines of the 
picture. 

Self-consciousness, for any reason and to 
even the slightest degree, is a great barrier to 
social intercourse and to mental freedom. It 
shows as often in a person's carriage as in his 
words or features. It should be broken down 
at all costs, and this can be done only by the 
person himself. It may be done, usually with 
comparative ease, by becoming and staying in- 
terested in something. Then awkwardness, and 



Personality 11 



a defiant attitude of spirit and body, will van- 
ish. Haughtiness is usually the outward sign 
of a great inner self -consciousness. All of these 
traits, as well as their opposites, stamp them- 
selves upon the bearing of the body, and reveal 
there the clearest manifestations of character. 

Dress is almost as essential. By this is not 
meant a rigid adherence to fashion, — the stamp 
of a weak mind, — or even good taste, but an 
eye to the appropriate and fitting. First of all, 
dress should be subordinated to character, that 
is, it should be no more costly than the wearer 
can afford, and no more striking than modesty 
and good taste allow. 

ilxood taste in dress means plain and simple 
styles, but material as elegant, serviceable, and 
pleasing as one's purse permits. It means also 
a few things well chosen and kept in good order, 
rather than many things more or less untidy; 
that one's wardrobe will be harmonious, — not 
a cheap, shabby garment to-day, and an ex- 
pensive, showy one to-morrow. It means also 
that the wardrobe throughout, not only the ex- 
ternal garments, is equally well chosen and well 
cared for. 

One should not mix one's wardrobe. A coat 
of one suit and the skirt of another should not 
be worn together. A carriage parasol should 
not be used on a sunny promenade, nor an um- 
brella in a carriage, or open automobile. 



12 



The Etiquette of To-day 



It is necessary to wear a dress appropriate 
to the occasion in order to be well dressed. No 
matter how excellent one's costume may be, if 
it does not suit the time and place it is absurd 
and incongruous. Some of the major rules for 
appropriate dress are as follows: 

Full evening dress demands one's most elab- 
orate gown, made of silk, satin, velvet, lace, 
or crepe-de-chine, as costly as one's purse per- 
mits, with decollete effects, gained by either 
actual cut or the use of lace and chiffon. One 
should wear delicate shoes, white or light-col- 
ored gloves, and appropriate jewels, of which it 
is not good taste to have too lavish a display. 

As hostess at an afternoon reception or lunch- 
eon one may wear an elaborate gown of the rich- 
est materials, with either long sleeves and high 
neck, or elbow sleeves and slightly low neck. 
As guest one may wear a walking suit, with 
pretty blouse, white gloves, and decorative hat. 

The usual dress for a formal breakfast is 
much the same as for a luncheon, — a pretty 
afternoon street costume, with a dainty blouse, 
gloves, and " picture " hat, which is not re- 
moved. In summer, a gown of light material, 
such as organdie, muslin, or other soft goods, 
dainty and somewhat elaborate, is in good taste. 
Hat and gloves are invariably worn with this 
gown if the affair is ceremonious. 

For church wear, a quiet, rather simple street 



Personality 



13 



dress, which does not proclaim that either 
money or time has been spent upon it to any 
notable extent, is by far the most appropriate. 
The suit should be becoming but inconspicuous. 

Ball costume is conventionally gay and elabo- 
rate, the lightest of materials being used, espe- 
cially by those who intend to take part in the 
dancing, and a dainty effect being sought. Any 
costly, rich-looking materials are used, and a 
wide range of fashion is permitted. The gown 
is cut short-sleeved and decollete, and the danc- 
ing shoes are of satin or very fine kid. Jewels 
are worn but sparingly by young women in their 
first season in society. The costume of a debu- 
tante at her first ball is usually white. 

At an informal dinner, any pretty gown may 
be worn, with special attention to the coiffure. 

Black should never be worn at a wedding. • 
If one does not care to lay it aside for the time 
being, one should not attend. 

For men, the proper costume for an early 
morning breakfast is the black cutaway coat with 
gray trousers, and other details as for a formal 
breakfast. In summer a gray morning suit with 
fancy waistcoat, or white flannels or linen, with 
appropriate hat, shoes, and tie, is permissible. 

At a formal breakfast men wear frock coats, 
fancy waistcoats, gray trousers, patent-leather 
shoes, large ties, high hats, and gray gloves. 

Afternoon dress for formal functions between 



14 The Etiquette of To-day 



noon and evening consists of a double-breasted 
black frock coat, or a black cutaway coat, with 
either light or dark waistcoat, gray trousers, 
patent-leather shoes, light four-in-hand tie, and 
light gloves. 

Evening dress is the correct attire for all 
occasions after six o'clock. It consists of a 
black suit, — coat cut " swallow-tail," and 
waistcoat cut low and in the shape of a " IT," — 
with white lawn tie, patent-leather pumps, black 
silk stockings, white gloves, and no jewelry but 
shirt studs, cuff links, and an inconspicuous 
watch fob. A black overcoat of some stylish 
cut and a silk hat or crush or opera hat is also 
worn. 

Full evening dress is a man's costume for a 
formal dinner. The Tuxedo or short dinner 
coat with a black tie is intended only for din- 
ners where women are not present. Although 
its use on other occasions is common, it is not 
correct, and ill accords with the elaborate gown 
which is usually worn at the formal dinner. 

One should always have the appearance of 
being " well-groomed." It is a minor matter to 
add to habits of personal cleanliness, which 
every man and woman of refinement adheres to 
with scrupulous conscientiousness, that atten- 
tion to f he little details and finishing touches of 
dressing, which give the impression conveyed in 
that graphic expression " well-groomed." The 



Personality 



15 



niceties of life are always matters of small care 
but great moment. 

Tne_ aim to be beautiful is a legitimate one, 
and worthy of the attention of every lover of 
beauty. To make the most of one's self, both 
for one's oivn sake and that of those about one, 
is a duty. Much can be done if good taste is 
consulted, and one's salient good points studied 
and emphasized. One can at least dress char- 
acteristically, and so bring out the ideals to 
which one gives adherence. 

For instance, the business woman, in business 
hours, dresses with that same effort after 
efficiency and economy of time and strength 
that she has to put into her business to make 
it successful. She is, therefore, besides being 
scrupulously neat, perfectly plainly and yet 
durably and comfortably dressed. The sudden 
storm does not catch her unprepared, for she 
cannot afford to lose even an hour's work next 
day because she " caught cold." She permits 
no fussing with her garments, therefore they 
have to be in perfect working order, as fussing 
takes time, and time is money. Her hair is 
done neatly, and as becomingly as possible, but 
securely for the day. 

If, on the other hand, the business woman be 
a milliner, whose own artistic personality must 
be her best advertisement, she takes pains to 
dress artistically even though she wear less 



16 The Etiquette of To-day 



serviceable and more elaborate costumes. She 
should, however, give the same impression of 
neatness and businesslike serviceableness, with 
the additional artistic impression which is going 
to show her customer that she knows how to 
bring out the telling points in her own person- 
ality, and create a charming effect. 

The housewife needs, in her choice of morn- 
ing garments, the same effectiveness as the busi- 
ness woman, for she must also work with real 
efficiency; but, in addition, she needs to give 
the impression of homelike abandon, as well as 
beauty and grace, which shall appear restful. 

The art of correct speech and intelligent con- 
versation is one which every one who wishes to 
hold an envied place in society should possess. 
There is no more attractive accomplishment. 
Others have only a limited use and give only 
an occasional pleasure, while good conversation 
is appropriate to almost any occasion, and 
amuses and entertains when all other interests 
have palled. 

If one does not undertake to cultivate the art 
of conversation, one should at least be correct 
in speech. One should not permit slovenly 
expressions, or slang, or the thousand and one 
faults of mispronunciation and ungrammatical 
construction into which people fall, to be char- 
acteristic of one's speaking. For if one has time 
to go into society, one should have time and 



Personality 



17 



money enough to make one's self presentable 
mentally as well as physically, and nothing so 
clearly shows lack of intelligence and apprecia- 
tion of the matters of the intellect, as careless- 
ness and neglect of the words one uses and the 
thoughts one utters. No physical defect is more 
glaring than the mental defect revealed in every 
sentence of such a person. 

Mannerisms of speech or act are glaring flaws 
in the personality which would delight to charm, 
and successfully preclude the possibility of pop- 
ularity among refined people. Many a man 
and woman of character have been barred from 
the pleasurable enjoyment of society, even by 
people of less character though of more surface 
refinement than themselves, because they lacked 
the intelligence and the good sense to abolish 
certain mannerisms of act or expression, which, 
though they may have had normal and logical 
causes, were not such as society could enjoy or 
approve, and would not tend to anything but 
harm if characteristic of many people. 

Certain rather glaring faults are quite con- 
spicuous among all classes of women, for reasons 
which are hard to determine, but which must be 
general as the faults are so prevalent. Women, 
as a rule, do not respect an appointment and 
keep it punctually, interrupt conversation re- 
peatedly and ruthlessly, keep visitors waiting 
by needless delays, and do not seem to notice or 



18 The Etiquette of To-day 



regret the sacrifice that some courtesy to them 
may have caused another. 

The arraignment of women for these faults 
is indeed serious, for social misdemeanors could 
not easily be much worse. It means that the 
deep heart-feeling of courtesy is quite lacking 
from certain classes of women, — classes not to 
be marked off distinctly from any grade of 
wealth or learning. If the ladies of a fashion- 
able and progressive intellectual club will not, 
after two or three years of repeated requests, 
make it a habit, one and all, to remove their 
hats during a dinner and the subsequent 
speeches in a crowded and level-floored club 
dining-room, it is useless to look for any finer 
courtesy among the " cultured " than among the 
work-worn " laboring " classes. 

As a rule the women least at fault in these 
matters are the business women, a fact which 
would seem to prove that lack of business and 
professional training was in part responsible 
for the general apathy and indifference toward 
these matters of ordinary courtesy. 

Courtesy, like honesty, is the best policy in 
all our dealings with our fellow men. There- 
fore, we cannot afford to neglect to exercise it. 

Politeness and interest in others alike lead 
one to make those inquiries concerning friends 
and their families which show real concern in 
their welfare, and which are exceedingly grati- 



Personality 19 



fying to all. Often this kindly trait alone 
gives one a reputation for charm, although it 
has its disadvantages, to be sure, in its de- 
mands upon one's sympathy and patience. 

We each know that we are worth while. We 
should, therefore, treat others on that assump- 
tion, and thereby make them rise to their poten- 
tial worth. The good that a person who thus 
calls out the good within people, may do is 
limited only by his acquaintance. 

Personality is, after all, one's greatest asset 
in life. No thought or effort should be spared 
in making it pleasing and inspiring, — a fit 
expression of one's character and ideals, and a 
worthy gift to the world. 



CHAPTEK III 



FAMILY ETIQUETTE 

The permanence of a courteous manner is 
the test of its sincerity. If one is polite in- 
variably everywhere but at home, one's polite- 
ness is as superficial as a disguise, and as easily 
penetrated by the discerning. 

Unselfish consideration for others meets its 
sternest discipline in the home and in family 
relations, and becomes, under that discipline, a 
reliable guide, instinctively consulted in every 
emergency. 

Without manners at home, it is impossible 
to preserve the real nobility and unselfishness 
of character which make a man or a woman 
socially desirable. 

Obligations of the Married 

The marriage relation, while based upon cer- 
tain fundamental principles, and not to be pre- 
served without adherence to them, has some 
little etiquette of its own which adds to its 
happiness. 



Family Etiquette 21 



The solemnization of marriage is a sacred 
ceremony and should be observed in a reverent 
spirit. To partake of its home intimacies for 
the first time as of a sacrament, and to perpetu- 
ate that same spirit on the anniversaries of the 
day, will do much toward making it a holy and 
a happy union. 

Every marriage should be at least a perfect 
friendship; so a married couple should observe 
with each other the same little courtesies that 
they would observe if still only friends, being 
as deferential in greeting one another in public, 
as careful of each other's feelings, and as ob- 
servant of each other's preferences. 

A woman should remember to accept from 
her husband, as her due and without surprise 
or awkwardness, the little attentions which she 
expects and receives in society. A man, also, 
should expect, and not be disappointed in re- 
ceiving, the graceful little appreciations and 
courtesies which the woman of charm extends 
to the man of achievement in her social circle. 
The difference between the appreciations of so- 
ciety and those of the family is mainly that, in 
society, only the men of mark receive them, 
while, in the home, every man should receive 
his due; for there his efforts are known, even 
though they are not signal enough for society 
to recognize. 

As equality is the only basis upon which the 



22 The Etiquette of To-day 



authority of the home can happily rest, so a 
complete union of interests is the only basis for 
the successful financing of a home. 

While all the virtues of good management 
of her household, economy in the expenditure 
of money, taste in dressing herself and her chil- 
dren, and promptness and charm in fulfilling 
her social duties are expected of a wife, and 
should be fulfilled to the best of her ability, 
there are some minor things which make for 
happiness which should not be neglected. 

The wife who shines socially should remem- 
ber that her family needs the charm of her 
presence more than society does, and it should 
be a daily household quality rather than for 
use only on state occasions. 

The wife should confide in her husband on 
every matter of importance. She should not 
fcruuultj him. w±iL trivial tilings, uul, n a matter 
is of concern to her, she should not fail to let 
him know about it, and get his advice upon it. 
The cement of love is mutual confidence. 

If a wife takes pains to understand her hus- 
band, to be his companion, and to do her full 
duty by him, by her children^ and by her home, 
she cannot fail, under the ordinary circum- 
stances of the American home, of winning hap- 
piness and making her husband happy. It is 
in the lack of desire to understand and love 
that the real menace to the happiness of the 



Family Etiquette 23 



home lies. The deep-hearted and thoughtful 
people approach nearest the ideal of love. 

It is taken for granted that the husband will 
perform the major duties of his relation, such 
as being a good citizen, a good business man, 
and hence a good provider for his family, and 
that he will in all things seek the mutual hap- 
piness of his family and himself. 

He must be considerate to his wife if he 
would keep her love and respect. He should 
confide his business to her as far as she, in her 
inexperience, is able to grasp it, and he should 
teach her the things about it which it is im- 
portant for her to know. Through his con- 
versation alone she can get the rudiments of a 
good business training, and she will at least be 
able to comprehend the changes he may make 
or the difficulties in which he may find himself, 
and, seeing their cause, thus be able to sym- 
pathize, and not to blame, if reverses come. He 
should so train her in business ways and 
methods that, in case of his death or disability, 
she could attend to the business of his estate, 
even though she could not, or need not, earn 
money for the family. 

The work of adjusting the labors of each to 
those of the other, so that there shall be time 
for recreation and social life together, should 
be a matter of mutual effort, and should not be 
dropped until solved to mutual satisfaction. If 



24 The Etiquette of To-day 



the members of the family cannot move in the 
same social circle, and together, a serious 
breach of family happiness is threatened. 

There is no marriage license which gives the 
right to constant harping upon one another's 
faults. In this, as in all other respects, the rule 
of friendship should prevail. 

A husband should not open his wife's letters, 
nor should a wife her husband's. 

All invitations are sent to a husband and wife 
jointly, except those for such occasions as a 
stag dinner, or a luncheon or "shower" to which 
ladies only are invited. If for any reason 
either the husband or the wife cannot attend a 
function, the other also must decline. The ex- 
ceptions to this rule are those cases where a 
man or a woman of particular talent moves in a 
circle the interests of which are not especially 
enjoyable to the other one of the couple, or 
where the health of the one precludes the 
possibility of attendance upon affairs of which 
the other should not be deprived. Too long or 
too frequent use of the excuses which cover 
these exceptions, reflects seriously upon the 
marital happiness of the pair. 

Although present together at a function, hus- 
band and wife are not paired off together in 
their entertainment. He takes some other 
woman out to dinner, and she is escorted by 
some other man. Even at dances and balls it 



Family Etiquette 25 



is not good form for them to dance together 
too frequently, except at public dances where 
they are two of a private party of four or six, in 
which case rotation of partners would bring 
them together more frequently than if a larger 
number of their personal friends were present. 

In America a wife never shares her husband's 
titles. 

Consultation and advice together on every- 
thing which concerns either is one of the privi- 
leges as well as the duties of marriage. 

To reproach for errors which were made with 
good motives and the best of judgment available 
at the time is always unjust. 

Always to greet and to part from each other 
with affection is the source of much happiness. 

Neither parent should be overambitious. 
Their personalities make the home, and if they 
are overworked and crowded with care, the 
home is not happy. 

The mother should always remember that 
home comes first, and should not absent herself 
from it save at those times and for that length 
of time when she is really not needed there. 

Neither husband nor wife should confide 
family matters to any one but each other, nor 
discuss each other with any other person. 

Companionship means the willingness to let 
one's own mood be dominated by another. 
Therefore, if they would be companionable, a 



26 The Etiquette of To-day 

husband and wife should meet each other's 
moods half-way. For what is lost personally 
now and then, far more of greater mutual value 
is obtained ; and it is largely by a habit of com- 
panionableness that the happiness of the home 
can be made so satisfying that there can arise no 
question of its permanence. 

To keep one's self up to one's best standard 
of speech and conduct is necessary, for only 
thus can the family standard be kept high. 

An arbitrary disposition in the home ruins 
the comfort of all. Companionship and mutual 
authority and helpfulness are the only founda- 
tions for a happy home. 

General Rules of Conduct 

Seek the companionship of the refined and 
the gentle-mannered if you would be the same. 
Move in that society in whose ways you are 
versed and whose rules you practice, if you 
would be appreciated or met with like courtesy. 

JSTever fail to say kind words to those in dis- 
tress whom you meet. The kindness, however, 
must be genuine, and come from the heart, 
never iu stereotyped and hollow phrases. 

The courtesy which offers attentions should 
be met with graciousness in receiving them. 
Surprise is>a sign that one rates one's self lower 
than did the person who showed the courtesy. 



Family Etiquette 27 



Attentions should be warmly accepted, and the 
gratitude expressed should be of the sort which 
does not forget. 

A woman, when in the presence of the men 
of the family, should expect that doors will be 
opened for her, that she will pass through them 
first, that packages will be carried, and errands 
run. She should not, however, let these little 
attentions be paid her by her father or an eld- 
erly relative. 

Enter a room filled with people in a dignified 
manner and with a slight bow to the general 
company. " We all do stamp our value on our- 
selves " is true enough, and our private stamp 
is never more conspicuous than when we con- 
front a roomful of people. If we show modesty 
but intense self-respect in our bearing, there is 
no one who will not raise his personal estimate 
of us no matter what it was. 

The head should be well up, the body squarely 
erect, the chest out. Self-consciousness at such 
a time is a mistake, if natural, and shows the 
actual littleness which one is trying by an up- 
right bearing to conceal. One should train one's 
self until the meeting of people, no matter who 
they may be, whether singly or in large num- 
bers, is a matter of no particular concern as to 
deportment. 

Never enter a room noisily, nor fail to close 
a door after you, without slamming. 



28 The Etiquette of To-day 



Never take another's seat unless you give it 
up upon his return. 

Dignified postures in sitting are marks of 
respect to yourself and the company you are 
with. A gentleman does not sit astride a chair, 
nor with legs spread out, nor a lady with her 
legs crossed. Never put out your foot, in the 
street car or elsewhere, or place it where it may 
trouble others in passing by. 

When several people enter a room in a private 
house where you are sitting, always rise, espe- 
cially if they are older than you. When an 
elderly person enters the room alone, it is al- 
ways a graceful show of deference for all 
younger than he to rise and remain standing 
until he is seated. 

The greetings of night and morning are due 
to all members of one's household, and should 
not be omitted. The one who enters a room 
where others are assembled gives the salutation 
first. 

" Good morning " is the appropriate greeting 
till noon. " Good afternoon " and " Good 
evening " are the greetings for the later hours 
of the day. " Good-by " is, however, the com- 
mon and most acceptable form of farewell. 
After an evening's entertainment, it is per- 
missible also to say " Good night" instead. 
" Good day," " Good afternoon," and " Good 
evening," used in farewell, are provincial. 



Family Etiquette 29 



" I beg pardon." spoken with an inquiring 
inflection, is much better than simply " What ? " 
when you do not hear what is said. The abrupt- 
ness of the latter savors of rudeness. 

Whispering is not permissible in company, 
and it is not necessary in private. Therefore, 
whisper not at all, especially not in a sick-room 
or in church, where the whisper is far more 
penetrating than a low, distinct tone. 

The calling up or down stairs is inconsiderate, 
for you attract the attention of two floors of 
people, as well as publish your message. To 
carry on a conversation over the banisters is also 
equally bad. Even a word of inquiry should 
usually be spoken at short distance in a hall 
which leads to several rooms, and where many 
people may hear or be disturbed by the noise. 
Such calling should never be permitted to serv- 
ants or children, for once begun its convenience 
will demand its continuance. 

Interrupting another's conversation is a seri- 
ous breach of courtesy. 

Finding fault is a very disturbing feature of 
home life, no matter how glaring the faults 
which may be criticised. Faults have to be 
remedied, but every effort should be made to 
do it skillfully, and not make the remedy worse 
than the disease. 

Do not open your letters in company, except 
in case of emergency, and in the latter, ask the 



30 The Etiquette of To-day 



permission of the company to do so. Never, 
under any circumstances, open a private letter 
addressed to another. If the one to whom it is 
addressed is near enough to give you permission 
to open it, he can usually open it himself ; if 
he is not by to give permission, the letter should 
go to his legal representative, who then acts 
according to the law. 

Politeness as well as pity impel one to he 
especially polite to the caller or visitor who is 
uncongenial, or stupid, or unattractive. By 
even an excess of hospitality one should try to 
make up for the inevitable slight which society 
always puts upon such a one. 

Impartial courtesy is the right of all guests. 
The close friend and the distant and far less 
welcome relative are entitled to equal courtesy. 

The holding of a grudge, and the failing to 
forgive a slight for which apology has been 
made, are the height of discourtesy. It is in- 
variably true that the same spirit with which 
you mete out social slights will be shown you 
in return. Resent each one, whether intentional 
or a mere oversight, and you will surely crush 
the spontaneity out of all attentions shown you, 
and be met only with distrust. 

When applied to for a favor, if you intend to 
grant it, grant it graciously and readily ; if you 
intend to refuse, refuse with equal civility 
even though firmly. None but the unmannerly 



Family Etiquette 31 



will urge a request when the slightest token of 
refusal has heen given. 

A gentleman may offer personal service to a 
lady, if there is need, tying her shoe, or hooking 
or buttoning her dress, or doing any other little 
act which she cannot herself do. 

In a company of people, it is the height of 
rudeness to call attention to the form or features 
or dress of any one present. 

In using a handkerchief, always do so un- 
obtrusively. At the dining table it should be 
used very sparingly. Better retire than be ob- 
noxious to even the most fastidious. 

Never look over the shoulder of any one who 
is reading or writing, whether in the home, or 
in a car, or at a concert, or anywhere else. 

Do not touch any one in order to arrest his 
attention, but address him. 

To lend a borrowed article is an appropriation 
of it which is next to stealing, unless one has 
permission of the owner to do so. 

Self-control in excitement of any sort is a 
most valuable trait. It always makes for com- 
fort of one's self and of others, and often for 
safety. 

Do not pass between two persons who are 
talking together, if avoidable. If it is not, then 
apologize. 

Never refuse to receive an apology. Courtesy 
requires, no matter how unforgivable the of- 



32 The Etiquette of To-day 

fense, that an apology should be accepted. 
Friendship may not be restored, but friendly 
courtesy should always thereafter be main- 
tained. 

Never neglect to perform a commission which 
a friend intrusted to you. Forgetfulness de- 
notes lack of regard for the friend. 

Never fail to be punctual at the time ap- 
pointed, in keeping every engagement. 

To make yourself the hero of your own story, 
or to speak much of your own performances, 
denotes deep-seated self-conceit, and may be very 
distasteful to others, who also have achieved. 

One's social obligations should never be neg- 
lected unless one is determined to drop out from 
one's place entirely. To acknowledge one in- 
vitation and not another is surely to be dis- 
credited with all. 

Never question a child or a servant upon 
family matters. 

Fulfill your promises, — or do not promise. 

Deaf persons should be treated with special 
consideration. Act as though they could hear 
what is being said, yet without laying the bur- 
den of reply upon them, and without permit- 
ting it to be conspicuous in any way that they 
may have lost the drift of the talk. It is well to 
talk both louder and more expressively when 
they are present, but always more distinctly, 
and somewhat more slowly. Never shout at 



Family Etiquette 33 



them, or attract their attention by touching 
them suddenly. This latter is not polite to any 
one, but the stronger impulse to do it in case of 
the deaf must be withstood. It is always better 
to come within the range of their vision before 
speaking to them. 

Table Etiquette 

A man should not seat himself at the dinner 
table until his wife or his hostess is seated. 
This rule holds good in the home, for if it is 
not practised there, it will not be observed grace- 
fully in society. 

Seat yourself not too close to nor too far from 
the table. 

Erect position at table is the first requisite. 
One should so place one's seat that correct posi- 
tion is possible, and then should keep it. 

Elbows should never be placed upon the table. 

The hands should be kept quietly in the lap 
while not busy with the food. One should sit 
quietly at the table, without handling the cutlery 
or making useless motions, while waiting to be 
served. If there is some form of grace said, or 
some simple ceremony preliminary to the meal, 
one should pay respectful attention silently. 

Do not seem impatient to be served. The 
meal is a social occasion and the food is an ad- 
junct to friendly intercourse. The success of 



34 The Etiquette of To-day 



the meal depends equally perhaps upon the food 
and the conversation. Because of the interrup- 
tions of service, conversation cannot be long 
continued, or deeply thoughtful. It must be 
on subjects of no great moment nor grave inter- 
est, or on such subjects lightly touched; but it 
should be on bright, cheerful topics, and as 
witty as the talent of the company affords. 

Eating should be slow, and mastication of the 
food thorough, for reasons of health as well as 
for the sake of appearance. ~No meal can be 
eaten properly and adequately in less than 
thirty minutes, but more than an hour for a 
meal is sheer waste of both time and food, un- 
less the company is large, the times of waiting 
between courses long, and the portions served 
very small. 

Eat silently. The noise of food being mas- 
ticated is very distressing, and except in cases 
of crusts and crisp vegetables, perfectly unneces- 
sary. 

The napkin is unfolded and spread over the 
lap. One is supposed to be skillful enough in 
raising food to the lips not to need the napkin 
in front of the dress or coat to prevent injury. 

In case you do not care for a course, you 
should not refuse it. Receive it, and take 
what part of it you desire, trying to take some ; 
or, if you wish, leave it untouched, but do not 
have the appearance of being neglected or ill- 



Family Etiquette 35 



provided for, even if you do not eat of it. A 
little more attention to conversation on your 
part may make unnoticeable to those about you 
the fact that you do not eat of a certain course. 

If your preference is consulted as to food, 
whether the matter be trivial to you or not, 
express some preference so that the one who is 
serving, and who has asked to be guided, may 
be so far assisted. 

Never place food or waste matter upon the 
tablecloth. An exception to this may be made 
in regard to hard breads and celery, when in- 
dividual dishes for these are not furnished. Al- 
ways use the side of some one of the dishes 
about you for chips and scraps. 

The fork is used in general except with semi- 
liquid sauces, where a spoon is of necessity used. 
It is not permissible to eat peas with a spoon. 

The mouth should be closed while it contains 
food. It should not be too full, as it is often 
necessary to reply to some question when there 
is food in the mouth. 

Do not leave the table until you have quite 
ceased chewing. 

Be dainty and skillful in using your napkin 
and cutlery, avoiding soiling the tablecloth. 

Discussions and unpleasant topics of conver- 
sation should never be introduced. One should 
regard not only one's own aversions but those 
of the others present. 



36 The Etiquette of To-day 



Never put your finger in your mouth at table, 
nor pick your teeth. 

Tidiness of personal appearance is never at a 
higher premium than at the dining table. 
Soiled hands, negligee dress, shirt sleeves, and 
disheveled hair are disgusting there. 

It is quite proper to take the last helping of 
any dish which may be passed you. To refrain 
looks as if you doubted the supply. 

Bread is not cut, but broken into fairly small 
pieces. One should never nibble from a large 
piece. 

It is permissible to eat crackers, olives, celery, 
radishes, salted nuts, crystallized fruits, corn 
on the cob, bonbons, and most raw fruits from 
the fingers. Apples, pears, and peaches are 
quartered, peeled, and then cut into small 
pieces. Cherries, plums, and grapes are eaten 
one by one, the stones being removed with the 
fingers and laid upon the plate. 

Cheese may be laid in small pieces on bread 
or crackers, and conveyed to the mouth in that 
way. 

Asparagus should be eaten with the fork, the 
part which is not readily broken off by it being 
left. 

At a formal meal a second helping of a dish 
is never offered, and should never be asked for ; 
but at an informal dinner party it is not out of 
place to accept a second helping, if one is of- 



Family Etiquette 



37 



fered, but is complimentary to the hostess, who 
is responsible for the cook. 

In passing the plate for a second helping, the 
knife and fork should be laid across it full 
length, — not held in the hand until the plate 
returns. 

One may ask the waiter for a second or third 
glass of water, as even at a formal dinner that 
is always permissible. 

Lettuce, cress, and chicory are never cut with 
a knife, but rolled up on the fork and so con- 
veyed to the mouth. 

Never leave the spoon in any cup while 
drinking from it. Liquid bouillon, — not jel- 
lied, — should be drunk from the bouillon cup. 

Spoons are used for grape fruit and oranges, 
when cut in halves and put upon a plate, for 
soft-boiled eggs, puddings, custards, and gela- 
tins. 

With fruit finger-bowls should always be 
passed. A bowl half-full of water is placed 
upon a plate covered with a doily. Unless the 
fruit is passed upon a second plate, the bowl 
and doily are removed from this and set at one 
side, the fruit being eaten from this plate. The 
fingers are then dipped, one hand at a time, 
into the water, and wiped upon the napkin. 

Salt should never be put upon the tablecloth, 
but always on the side of the plate, unless the 
individual salts are provided. 



t 



38 The Etiquette of To-day 

Never spit out a prune, peach, or cherry 
stone. 

Never hold food on the fork while you are 
talking, ready as soon as you reach a period to 
be put into your mouth. Having once picked 
it up, eat it promptly. 

A bit of bread, but nothing else, may be used, 
if necessary, to help one put food upon the fork. 

If one tastes of something which one does not 
care to swallow, it may be removed from the 
mouth with the closed left hand and placed on 
the plate. This should be done silently and 
with as little attention as possible. 

Never take a chicken or chop bone in the 
fingers. Cut the meat from the bone, leaving 
all that does not readily separate. 

Bread and butter plates, with the butter 
spreader, are always used, except at formal din- 
ners, when the dinner-roll is laid in the fold 
of the napkin. 

The knife is used only for cutting, and for 
spreading butter on bread in the absence of 
butter spreaders. 

Almost all foods are eaten with the fork, 
which should always be used in the right hand 
with the tines up. It may be held in the left 
hand, tines down, when one is cutting, the knife 
being in the right hand. 

The soup spoon is an almost circular and 
quite deep spoon. Therefore it is obvious that 



Family Etiquette 



39 



the soup should be noiselessly sipped from the 
side of it. When the oval dessert spoon is used 
for soup, it is especially necessary to sip the 
liquid from the side. 

Special spoon-shaped forks are provided for 
salads, ices, and creams, but for these spoons 
may always be substituted. 

~No hot drink should be poured from the cup 
into the saucer to cool it. 

Toothpicks should not be passed at the table. 
They may be left on the sideboard, and if one 
is needed, it may be requested of the waiter 
or taken as you leave the room, but always used 
in private. 

Wherein elderly people do differently from 
the established ways of to-day, they are not to 
be criticised. Manners change even several 
times within a generation, and such may be 
simply following the customs they were taught. 
When the three-tined fork was the only one in 
common use, the blade of the knife was much 
more in requisition than now. 

On leaving the table the dishes of the last 
course should be left exactly as used, and the 
napkin left unfolded by the side of the plate. 
In case one is at home, or visiting a friend, and 
the napkins usually serve for two or three 
meals, then neatly fold it Many families have 
clean napkins once a day, that is, at dinner. 

The chair should either be pushed quite back 



40 The Etiquette of To-day 

from the table, or close to it, so that others may 
easily pass by. 

If obliged to leave the table in the midst of 
a meal, one should address the hostess, saying, 
" Please excuse me," as he rises. 

Anniversaries 

The observance of family festivals is a great 
bond of union when there are different ages and 
temperaments and interests represented in the 
family circle. In the home holidays, all meet 
on a common ground, and get once more into 
touch with each other. Yet the observance of 
such festivals should never be more elaborate 
than the purse will justify, nor should it be 
allowed to become a burden upon any one, even 
the most willing* The festive spirit is lost if 
it becomes obligatory. 

The observance of wedding anniversaries is 
usually an honored custom in the case of happy 
marriages, where children grow up who take 
delight in making much of the days which are 
sacred to their parents. Where this observance 
is not a matter of form or done with any ulte- 
rior motive, but is spontaneous and joyous, it 
adds much to the family happiness and 
strengthens the bonds, not only between 
parents but between parents and children. 

It is customary to make gifts of the sort sig- 



Family Etiquette 41 



nified in the name of the anniversary, and much 
ingenuity can be exercised in carrying out the 
idea. The anniversaries are named as follows: 

At the end of the first year comes a cotton 
wedding; at the end of the second, a paper 
wedding ; the third, a line^ wedding ; the fifth, 
a wooden; the tenth, a tin wedding; the fif- 
teenth, a crystal; the twentieth, linen; the 
twenty-fifth, silver; the thirtieth, pearl; forti- 
eth, ruby; fiftieth, a golden wedding; and the 
sixtieth, a diamond wedding. 

These anniversaries may be added to, as by 
celebrating a leather wedding the third year, 
instead of two of linen ; a woolen one the 
seventh ; and a china one the twelfth. 

A birthday anniversary is a momentous 
event in the life of a child. Disregard of it is 
•a heart-breaking slight. The celebrations of 
these events, even in families where they are 
numerous and resources few, can be made joy- 
ous if there is love enough to do it, even with- 
out money. 

The Giving of Presents 

The members of a family who have each 
other's welfare at heart, often have the impulse 
to give each other something which they may 
know is needed or wanted. While this impulse 
should be cultivated even with the most limited 



42 



The Etiquette of To-day 



means, and the sense of generosity preserved 
even among the poorest, — where, to be frank, 
it is more apt to be found than among the rich, 
— there should be no counting upon such pres- 
ents, nor obligation to make them imposed. 
This destroys their value as expressions of af- 
fection, and makes the custom harmful. For 
that reason it is not well to adhere to times 
and seasons, but at any time when the right 
opportunity offers and the impulse moves, give 
the gift that one desires to give. 

Where such an impulse is characteristic of 
a family, the members will naturally take 
pride in expressing in that way their apprecia- 
tion of individual achievement, as when a mem- 
ber graduates from a high school or college, or 
attains his majority, or makes some special ad- 
vance in any way. The spirit which welcomes 
achievement and recognizes it, becomes an in- 
centive, perhaps the strongest there is, and 
surely the most noble, that of satisfying and 
pleasing a loved one. Life "holds too much of 
defeat for the average person, for its minor vic- 
tories to be passed over in silence and indif- 
ference. 

Intimate Friends 

One's attitude toward intimate friends is 
either a pleasant memory or a sad revelation. 



Family Etiquette 43 



If one holds them a little lower than one's 
family, and expends upon them effort to charm 
second only to the effort habitually given to 
those whom one loves, then intimacy becomes 
a privilege, no matter what the circumstances, 
and a lifelong gratification and pleasure. If, 
however, one considers that intimate friends are 
entitled to less courtesy than the public, and are 
to be made to serve one's purpose more effectu- 
ally than mere acquaintances do, then the bur- 
den of friendship is great, and soon dropped. 
Affection is not mercenary. 

One word in regard to the single monopoli- 
zing friendship. Many a marriage has been 
wrecked, and many a mother's friendship 
turned away, because some one friend, of about 
one's own age and tastes, of pronounced influ- 
ence and exorbitant demands, has usurped, at 
first perhaps unconsciously but ever surely, the 
place in one's life, and at last in one's heart, 
that some member of the familv should have 

a/ 

taken. 

Some people seem naturally predisposed to 
this sort of friendship, and as soon as the in- 
tellectual zest is gone from absorbing com- 
panionship with one person, they turn to an- 
other. One such instance showed through 
twenty years a series of such friendships on the 
part of a well-meaning but foolish woman, in 
which her husband figured briefly, passing on 



44 The Etiquette of To-day 



and off the stage as violently as, and even 
more speedily than, the other " friends." 

Too great familiarity with new acquaint- 
ances is impolite as well as unwise. It cannot 
fail of seeming forced, and even if the friend- 
ship is to be close and permanent, a hastily-laid 
foundation is never the most secure. 

One should never call a friend by his Chris- 
tian name until he requests one to do so. 

Illness in the Home 

Illness means that the order of the home life 
must be seriously disturbed. Consideration 
for the one who is ill, and effort to alleviate the 
suffering, should take the place of every other 
thought and ambition. It is necessary, of 
course, that the routine of living should be suf- 
ficiently preserved for the health of the others 
not to be affected, but matters of comfort and 
well-being for all take precedence of everything 
else. 

The well should make all wise sacrifices for 
the sake of the ill, such as being quiet about the 
house; never complaining at late or simple 
meals ; setting aside personal plans and com- 
fort in order to assist, if needed, in the care of 
the ill ; looking out for the relief and comfort 
of the nnrse, upon whom the major part of the 
responsibility rests; never grudging time or 
money in the effort to restore health ; and, 



Family Etiquette 



45 



above all, making these sacrifices in the spirit 
of love and not in that of martyrdom. Many 
people, who make even unreasonable sacrifices 
for others in times of emergency, do it so un- 
graciously, that one does not feel that they are 
entitled to the thanks which they still actually 
deserve and should receive. 

Courtesy demands that the claims of the 
nurse and doctor be settled promptly and gen- 
erously. They were prompt in meeting the 
emergency. There should be no delay in ac- 
knowledging the obligation to them, even 
though their promptness is looked upon, by 
them and by society, as part of their profes- 
sional duty. 

The convalescent takes such abnormally keen 
delight in being remembered, that it is obliga- 
tory upon the rest of his family and his friends 
not to forget him. Kindly messages should be 
frequent. Trifling gifts frequently are better 
than large gifts occasionally, unless the large 
gift is something greatly desired. 

One should never fail to offer the easiest and 
best seat in the room to an invalid, an elderly 
person, or a lady. 

Courtesy to Servants 

It is safe to predict that, if the acumen of 
the business man, and the courtesy of the social 
leader and woman of true refinement were 



46 



The Etiquette of To-day 



brought to bear upon the servant problem, that 
would soon assume a different aspect. 

If the consideration that would be shown an 
ailing guest were shown an ailing servant, serv- 
ice would be more generously and more faith- 
fully rendered. 

The waitress at the table is entitled to cour- 
tesy, but not to apologetic efforts to diminish 
her task. ■ Appreciation may be shown in a 
" Thank you," or, " If you please," but such 
notice of her should be unobtrusively spoken, so 
as not to interfere with the general conversa- 
tion about the table. 

The servant has every human right to civility, 
and the withholding of wages is no more cul- 
pable, if more illegal, than is the withholding 
of civil treatment, and the infliction of the in- 
dignity of impatience and harsh and unmerited 
reproof. 

All servants need careful training. 

Neatness is the first requisite. The lack of it 
most seriously reflects upon the management of 
the household. 

Servants should be trained to answer the 
door-bell promptly, reply civilly to questions, 
and in all things represent their master and 
mistress in a dignified and courteous way. 
They should not admit one person who calls 
socially, and deny another, unless under special 
and exceptional orders. They should noc fail 



Family Etiquette 47 



to deliver promptly all notes, messages, and 
cards which may be received. Verbal messages 
should be received and given with accuracy. 

The direct neglect of orders is unpardonable 
in an intelligent servant who has been well 
trained, and will not occur, even in the ab- 
sence of the mistress, if the training has been 
explicit and complete and the servant is honor- 
able, — as he should be in order to retain any 
position. A certain degree of initiative, too, 
should be cultivated in a servant who is given 
responsibility, so that he may meet an emer- 
gency with resourcefulness, in the absence of 
orders or specific instructions. 

The servant needs to respect his master and 
mistress. The firm, strong, honest, and just 
control is respected by servants, and is much 
preferred to the irresolute one, even when the 
latter overflows frequently in lax kindness. 
Each man needs to be made to do his duty, and 
the power that forces him to do it should be 
gracious but must be firm. 

To be familiar with servants is a fatal mis- 
take, and eventually upsets and destroys all dis- 
cipline. 

Servants should never be reproved in the pres- 
ence of guests, or members of the family, or 
other servants, but should be talked with singly, 
and considerately, but plainly. 



) 



CHAPTER IV 

CONVERSATION AND CORRESPONDENCE 

The Art of Conversation 

Conversation is a game we all play, but 
most of us with ill success. We do not take 
pains to learn the rules, and we do not consider 
the honor of winning sufficiently great. It is, 
however, an accomplishment that all who will 
may possess, that consumes a great deal of the 
time of all of us, and that yields great pleasure 
and profit if skillfully used. 

The subject of conversation should be per- 
tinent, and of interest to all, or at least the 
majority, of those in the group of talkers. The 
treasures of experience and of knowledge should 
be grouped about the topic, and every one who 
contributes should take care to proffer nothing 
that the conversation has not logically called 
forth. Then the pleasure and the success of 
the time thus spent is measured only by the 
wit and mental resources of the talkers. 

News which has a u^ ; versal interest is al- 



Conversation and Correspondence 49 

ways a legitimate subject of discussion. Per- 
sonal news which has only the interest of gos- 
sip or scandal is never permitted among cul- 
tured people, no more than are physiological 
facts or the records of criminology. It is a safe 
rule to speak of things rather than of persons. 

The brilliant conversationalist never monopo- 
lizes the talk, as such a method would prevent 
his most telling points or his keenest wit from 
having dramatic expression. If he tells an anec- 
dote which holds the attention of the table or 
of the circle of listeners, he permits his duller 
neighbor to tell the next, not only that his own 
wit may have a foil, but that his next anecdote 
may meet the sharp edge of whetted appetites. 

If dining out or being entertained, do not 
play the host or hostess by leading the con- 
versation, even though your talent in that direc- 
tion be far superior to theirs. You thereby do 
them an injustice which is exceedingly dis- 
courteous on the part of one who has accepted 
of hospitality. 

Never interrupt. It kills the expression of 
any thought to interrupt the speaker, and every 
person, no matter how badly he may express 
himself, has a right to the effort and to what he 
can win of the hearer's attention. 

To supply a word which seems to fail the 
speaker is perhaps a friendly service, if he be a 
foreigner, but should never be tendered to a 



50 The Etiquette of To-day 

countryman, nor often to even the most grateful 
wrestler with the English language. It con- 
fuses any one, and the only polite way is to 
wait quietly until the speaker collects himself 
and finds his words. 

Do not contend any point. Among intelli- 
gent people questions may be pleasantly and 
earnestly debated, arguments weighed and 
tested, and yet the conversation be absolutely 
courteous, although conviction be deep on both 
sides. The impossibility, among untrained 
people, of debate without great emotion is 
what retards the progress of the intellectual life 
in many circles. 

One should never answer questions in gen- 
eral company that have been put to another. 

One should not note the points of discrepancy 
in the remarks of another, or the points of di- 
vergence in opinion. In society the subjects of 
conversation are subordinated to the human in- 
terest of the gathering, and points of harmony 
and agreement should be emphasized, leaving 
all others unnoted. One does not need to con- 
ceal his opinions, but he should not arrogantly 
or dogmatically publish them. Not opinions but 
individuals are of greater interest at that time, 
and the battle of ideas should be fought in an- 
other arena. 

This is the only safe rule to follow in mixed 
companies, or with people imperfectly trained 



Conversation and Correspondence 51 



socially. With highly intelligent people of con- 
genial tastes, people who have ideas and con- 
victions of great worth, and who are controlled 
enough to express them without undue or fool- 
ish emotion, the battle of ideas is fought most 
effectively and most to the benefit of society, 
in the drawing-room of that host and hostess 
whose own talents make them able to draw 
talent about them. 

Here all the rules of polite society may be 
observed, and yet the inner convictions, whether 
political, religious, or moral, of the circle, may 
find welcome expression and fair hearing. The 
growth of ideas and the progress of ideals in 
such a society is rapid and along the right lines. 

Never try to have the last word, but always 
refrain from saying it. 

Do not enter into tete-a-tete conversation in 
the presence of others, or refer to any topic of 
conversation which is not of common interest 
and commonly known. Mysterious allusions 
or assumed understandings with one or two 
members of a group are insults to the others. 

Inquiries into private affairs should never 
be made, but those on the subjects of age and 
income are especially obnoxious, and merit for 
the inquirer the cool silence which they usually 
obtain. 

The loud-voiced, aggressive person, whose 
opinions are alone of vital moment in his esti- 



52 The Etiquette of To-day 



mation, and who will not yield a point in an 
argument, is much to be dreaded in any com- 
pany, and effectually brings to an end any gen- 
eral conversation into which he intrudes. 

When addressing people face to face, it is 
necessary to give them their social or profes- 
sional titles, if the latter be such as have influ- 
ence on social rank, no matter if such titles are 
not inscribed on the visiting card of the person 
possessing them, or are purely honorary. 

It is not now customary to add " Madam," or 
" Sir," or the colloquial equivalent of the 
former, — " m'am " or " m'm," — to " Yes " 
and " No," even by children. 

Correspondence 

Letter writing is a high art, and can give 
great pleasure to one's friends. It must not, 
however, be intemperately indulged in, either 
in frequency, length of letters, or freedom of 
expression. A timely note is a great binder 
of friendship, and may give comfort and satis- 
faction much greater than a longer letter at a 
less important moment. 

The danger of letter writing is that one is 
tempted to pour out one's inmost feelings with 
thoughtless abandon, and And later that the 
relative or friend to whom the letter was ad- 
dressed was unworthy of the confidence, or, if 



Conversation and Correspondence 53 

not unworthy, was repelled by it, or indiscreet 
in guarding it. It is always wise for one to 
restrain his expression of himself, when writing 
or speaking, within the bounds of dignity and 
a self-respecting reserve. 

The classic letters of literature are usually 
those the fervor of expression and self-revela- 
tion of which gave them a strong human inter- 
est, but in the preservation and publication of 
which sacred confidence was violated. The 
average letter of the average man or woman is 
by no means a classic, or worthy of preserva- 
tion. It should be destroyed when it has ful- 
filled the immediate purpose for which it was 
written. It may otherwise sometime be instru- 
mental in bringing ridicule, if not shame, upon 
the unsuspecting writer. 

As letter writing is the most common form of 
composition, the general rules pertaining to that- 
art should be observed in even the most in- 
formal of letters. 

All letters should be concise and definite. 
An involved style is a great w'aste of time and 
mental power, and has no advantage. 

A letter should be written on consecutive 
pages, unless it be very short, in which case it 
is preferable to use the first and third, rather 
than only the first and second, pages. It should 
never be written so that the sheet has to be 
turned around and the pages read at different 



54 



The Etiquette of To-day 



angles. The turning over of the pages should 
be all that is necessary. 

If, however, social note paper is used for a 
short business letter to a business man, open the 
sheet out flat, turn it so that the left side be- 
comes the top of the sheet, and use as you would 
a single large sheet of commercial paper. This 
enables the reader to see the whole matter at a 
glance. 

Do not scrawl your letter over the page ; but 
do not, on the other hand, appear to economize 
in paper. Make the place and date lines clear 
and distinct. Set off the salutation from the 
body of the letter, and make the form of the 
letter upon the page artistic and concise. 
Paper is cheap, and the delight of receiving a 
letter well framed in even margins and written 
on regular, if invisible, lines is a pleasure easily 
afforded a friend. 

The letter should be begun about two inches 
down from the upper edge of the paper. The 
left-hand margin should be three-quarters of an 
inch, with paragraph indention an inch more. 
The lower margin also should be three-quarters 
of an inch, and the right margin should be kept 
even and, for best effect, almost as wide as the 
left margin. 

Do not run on the letter without paragraphing 
it, but place each subject in a paragraph by it- 
self. 



Conversation and Correspondence 55 



A business letter should always go straight 
to the point. 

'A note of apology should be direct, and say 
but the one thing which is its subject. 

A note asking a favor should do it simply 
and without unnecessary preamble. The sense 
of freedom or intimacy which permits one to 
ask a favor, should be great enough to obviate 
the necessity of long explanation, which seems 
like coaxing. 

The refusal of a request requires tact, and 
may necessitate less directness than courteous 
explanation: but it should not be so extended 
as to be apologetic. 

A letter of thanks is difficult, but too great 
effusiveness is as disgusting as too great abrupt- 
ness is unsatisfactory. The elusive but happy 
medium is the work of the socially well-trained. 

Paper 

The grade of paper used is a matter of no 
small moment. Some people affect a fastidious- 
ness in color and quality quite out of keeping 
with the purpose to which the paper is to be 
put. Others affect an opposite slovenliness, 
which shows equal disregard of use and effect- 
iveness. 

A good quality of paper is essential to ele- 
gance. Plain white or cream white paper, un- 



56 The Etiquette of To-day 



lined, with either rough or smooth finish, is 
always correct, and is the only kind for formal 
social correspondence. For more intimate let- 
ters ladies sometimes use a pale blue, delicate 
pearl-gray, light lavender or heliotrope, or a 
Colonial buff. There has lately been imported 
the style of an envelope with lining of another 
color and paper to match, in a variety of bright 
tints and striking designs. These styles, even 
in the daintier variations of them, appeal only 
to the younger members of the " smart set." 
Gentlemen never use any but white stationery. 

Correspondence cards are a great convenience 
for the very shortest of messages, where even 
the small note paper is too large. They are to 
social letter writing what the postal is in busi- 
ness. They, like the postal, should be used 
only for brief messages of no special impor- 
tance, or for notifications. 

It is a matter of taste and of expense to have 
one's monogram or home address engraved at 
the top of choice note paper or letter paper. 
This may be in gilt, silver, or colors. 

The more common forms of heading are cen- 
tered an inch below the top of the paper, but 
may be placed somewhat lower down, and to the 
right, leaving about three-quarters of an inch 
margin. In this case the date line follows. 
Engraved and embossed headings are the most 
elegant, and printed ones should be used only 



Conversation and Correspondence 57 

for business purposes. There can, however, be 
no objection to a very neatly printed small head- 
ing for personal business correspondence, if it 
is tastefully done in a quiet color. While it 
would not be acceptable for formal social cor- 
respondence, it does very well on more intimate 
letters and saves the necessity of writing each 
time the home address. It is best to use printed 
letterheads, rather than commit the blunder now 
so common, among those who do not habitually 
use engraved paper, of omitting the address 
from the letter. This, in case the letter is mis- 
directed, and travels to the Dead-Letter Office, 
prevents effectually its restoration to the writer. 

The size of note paper suited to the letter to 
be written should be used. Do not start with 
a small note size, and run on over several sheets. 
The letter size should have been taken in the 
first place, as the note is only for such messages 
as are essentially short. 

The forms of heading which are permissible 
at the top of the personal letter paper are the 
following: a crest, monogram, or the separate 
initials ; the name of the home if, as an estate, 
it has a special title ; the name of the city and 
state ; or the street address, with the name of 
the city and state beneath. 

When in mourning, it is customary to use a 
note paper and envelopes surrounded with a 
narrow black border. The border should not 



68 The Etiquette of To-day 



exceed three-eighths of an inch in width, and 
three-sixteenths of an inch during the period 
of half mourning. Sometimes only a black line 
with the monogram is used. 

Scented note paper is not in good taste, ex- 
cept perhaps that which has a very faint odor 
of violets or of orris root, or, in the Southland, 
of orange blossoms. 

Ink 

Colored inks are not liked or approved of by 
society. A good blue-black ink is the best for 
all writing. 

Pale inks, too faint to be easily seen, and 
too lacking in stock to last any length of time, 
are useless. 

Handwriting 

Illegibility in handwriting, or a stilted and 
difficult hand, is a great waste of time and 
energy, mainly the would-be reader's. There 
is no excuse, in these days of the typewriter and 
of common knowledge of stenography, for an 
illegible letter or manuscript, and the careless- 
ness which writes too hurriedly to form the 
letters is excusable only in the gravest emer- 
gency and between intimate friends, where the 
inconvenience caused by it will be, for personal 



a 



Conversation and Correspondence 59 

reasons, gladly forgiven. Some handwritings 
which are thoroughly legible are extremely 
tiring to the reader, and the simpler, less ornate 
hand is for every purpose preferable. 

The affectation of a handwriting which en- 
ables you to put but few words on a page, is 
absurd and vulgar in the extreme. Yet, on the 
other hand, a too delicate or minute hand is 
not desirable. Legibility, neatness, and clear- 
ness are the salient virtues of a letter. 

The use of the typewriter is confined to busi- 
ness. It is still very bad form to use it for per- 
sonal letters; but should elegant script and 
small, clear forms of type, such as are fur- 
nished by one or two of the machines now on 
the market, be in common use, there is little 
doubt but what the speed of service and the 
advantages of clearness would bring the type- 
writer into use in intimate, and perhaps at last 
into more formal, social correspondence. The 
tendency seems to lie in that direction. 

Sealing, Stamping, and Directing Envelopes 

Neatness is especially necessary in the fold- 
ing of letters, and in addressing, stamping, and 
sealing the envelopes. Haste and slovenliness 
here take away the suggestion of compliment 
in the courtesy of the note, and are as insult- 
ing as any rudeness of manner can well be. 



» 



60 The Etiquette of To-day 

The fastidious and leisurely still seal their 
envelopes with wax, imprinting thus their 
monogram. The well-gummed envelope now in 
vogue makes this superfluous for the ordinary 
informal letter. Addresses should be written 
with an eye to legibility, and the stamp should 
be affixed to the upper right-hand corner of the 
envelope with care and neatness. Social in- 
vitations, although engraved and therefore con- 
taining no handwriting, should always be sent 
with letter postage. 

Letters should be plainly and completely ad- 
dressed to insure their safe and prompt de- 
livery. 

Persons who have a large business corre- 
spondence should use for it envelopes on which 
their name and post office address are printed 
in the upper left-hand corner. In social cor- 
respondence these should be clearly written or 
engraved upon the back of the envelope. 

Sometimes where a business firm is small or 
little known, it facilitates the delivery of a 
business letter to place the number of the office 
room in a building upon the envelope. Where, 
however, the firm is so large that probably the 
entire mail is carried from the post office in 
bags, or where a post office box is doubtless 
made use of instead of the carriers' delivery, 
even the street number is superfluous. Letters 
for departments should be so marked. 



Conversation and Correspondence 61 

If the city is one of the largest in the coun- 
try, the name of the state is not added; as, 
New York City, Boston, Chicago, and Phila- 
delphia would stand alone. 

Only a business letter should have the word 
" City " in place of the name of the city, and 
it is better to write the name, omitting, if you 
choose, the state. This is permissible only when 
the central post office is used, as the postmark 
of any suburban station might cause confusion, 
and railway post office clerks, especially, should 
not be expected to guess accurately the intents 
of a writer. 

When street addresses like " Broadway," 
" Park Kow," " Aborn Drive," are written, it 
is superfluous to write " St." after them. 

The older form of writing an address was to 
end each line with a comma. The more recent 
style, and one coming into quite common use, 
is to omit the comma, using only such punctua- 
tion as the sense of the words within the line 
demands. Either way is permissible. 

Uniformity and concise clearness are charac- 
teristics of a well-written address. An address 
should be written as follows : 

Mr. Frankel Banchman, 
15 Westland Avenue, 
Philadelphia, 
Pa. 



62 



The Etiquette of To-day 



If the directions are to be included, then the 
following arrangement is better: 

Mrs. Arthur L. Casson, 
ISTorth Maplewood, 

Chestnut County, 
Care of Mr. Hiram Casson. E\ Y. 

The sign of per cent is no longer used to sig- 
nify " care of." 

A clergyman is addressed " The Reverend 
John L. Wrigley, D. D.," or, less correctly, 
" Rev. J ohn L. Wrigley, D. D.," which may be 
transposed to " Rev. Dr. John L. Wrigley." 
The omission of the article before the word 
" Reverend " is quite common. 

A physician is properly addressed, a Alger- 
non Brigham, M. D.," and the salutation is 
a Dear Dr. Brigham," or " Dear Doctor," if he 
is an intimate friend. A man having the title 
of Doctor with any other significance than that 
of Doctor of Medicine, is usually addressed 
" Dr. Frederic V. Harlan." A very formal 
way, however, would be to address such a one, 
— supposing each of the titles to be his, — as 
" Professor Frederic V. Harlan, Ph. D." For 
the letter, the salutations " Dear Professor Har- 
lan " and " Dear Dr. Harlan " are equally cor- 
rect. 

A letter to the President of the United States 



Conversation and Correspondence 63 



should be addressed simply with that title and 
with no further specification of name, whether 
it be official or social : as, " To the President of 
the United States, 5 xecu ^ ve Mansion, Wash- 
ington, D. C." The salutation should be simply 
" Sir." The conclusion should be, " I have the 
honor to remain Your obedient servant." If a 
social letter it may be addressed either formally 
or " To the President of the United States, 
(Christian name and surname), Executive 
Mansion," etc. The salutation would then be 
" My dear Mr. President." 

The Vice President should be addressed 
officially in the same form ; that is, " To the 
Vice President, Hon. Chester A. Arthur." He 
should be saluted, officially, " Mr. Vice Presi- 
dent, Sir ; " socially, " My dear Mr. Arthur." 

In addressing the governor of a state the 
superscription should be, " To His Excellency, 
The Governor of Massachusetts, State House, 
Boston." The salutation should be " Sir," if 
official, but " Dear Governor Barnard," if social. 
The conclusion of an official letter should read, 
u I have the honor to be, Sir, Your Excellency's 
most obedient servant." 

The mayor of a city is addressed, " To His 
Honor, The Mayor of Chicago." Within, he is 
saluted officially as " Your Honor," socially a& 
" My dear Mayor Sewall." 

Ambassadors of any country, whatever their 



64 The Etiquette of To-day 



personal distinction, may be given the title of 
" Honorable," and their rank placed after the 
surname. As, " Honorable Whitelaw Reid, 
Ambassador to the Court of St. James." They 
may always be addressed as " Your Excellency." 

The members of the Cabinet of the President 
of the United States are always addressed as 
" Honorable," and the name of their depart- 
ment, or their title added : as, " The Honorable, 
The Secretary of State." To give the name 
would be superfluous, as in the case of the 
President. On formal invitations, however, 
when the Secretary and his wife are entertain- 
ing, the form is, " The Secretary of State and 
Mrs. Hay request the honor," etc. 

Invitations which come to one because of his 
official position are not intended for personal 
compliments, hence are addressed to the office, 
not to the man personally. 

An invitation from the President of the 
United States is equal to a command, and may 
not be declined. Other engagements must be 
broken for it, and only grave calamity or illness 
should excuse one, the excuse being frankly 
stated instead of mere formal expressions of 
regret. 

In ceremonious notes abbreviations should 
never be used. 

^Should one address the ruler of England, the 
superscription would be, " His Majesty, The 



Conversation and Correspondence 65 

King, London." The salutation would be, 
" Sir ; " the conclusion, " I have the honor to be, 
Sir, Your Majesty's most obedient servant." 

" His Grace the Duke of Fife " is the form of 
address for a Duke ; " My Lord Duke " being 
the salutation, and " Your Grace's most obe- 
dient servant " the subscription. 

In writing to the Pope of the Roman Catholic 
Church, one should address the letter to " His 

Holiness, Pope , Rome." The salutation 

should be " Your Holiness," but the conclusion 
remains the same form as for other dignitaries. 
A Cardinal of the same church is addressed 
" To His Eminence (Christian name) Cardinal 
(surname)," and greeted as " Your Eminence." 
Formality should be strictly observed. 

An Archbishop of the Church of England is 
addressed, u The Most Reverend (name) His 
Grace the Lord Archbishop of (name of bish- 
opric)." The salutation is " My Lord Arch- 
bishop ; " the subscription, " I have the honor 
to be, with the highest respect, Your Grace's 
most humble servant." A Bishop is addressed 
" The Right Reverend the Lord Bishop of 
(name of diocese)." He is saluted " My Lord 
Bishop." 

In the United States the Bishops of the Prot- 
estant Episcopal Church, who are not here 
Lords, are addressed, singly, as " The Right 
Reverend (Christian name and surname), 



66 The Etiquette of To-day 



D. D.," or " The Right Reverend Bishop of 
(name of diocese)." They are saluted, singly, 
u Most Reverend Sir." 

The word " To " may precede a formal or 
ceremonious address, adding to the formality. 

An envelope containing a letter or card of 
introduction should never be sealed, if presented 
in person by the party introduced. If, however, 
he should deliver it by messenger, — an excep- 
tional procedure, and one not to be followed by 
a man except in unusual circumstances, — the 
envelope may be sealed. 

No letter sent through the kindness of a 
friend should ever be sealed. The envelope 
should bear, in the lower left-hand corner, the 
acknowledgment of the favor in words like 
" Kindness of Miss Hallowell." 

Salutation, Conclusion, and Signature of Letters 

A stranger should be saluted as follows: 
" Mr. Eugene Motley, My dear Sir ; " " Mrs. 
Alonzo Parmenter, Dear Madam ; " or " Eu- 
gene Motley, Esq., My dear Sir." These are 
forms slightly more formal than " My dear Mr. 
Motley," or " My dear Mrs. Parmenter," which 
in America are strangely considered more 
formal than " Dear Mr. Motley," or " Dear 
Mrs. Parmenter," although in England the 
reverse is true. Therefore, a mere acquaint- 



Conversation and Correspondence 67 



ance is addressed " My dear Mrs. Judson," 
while a friend is addressed " Dear Mr. Clark." 

A married woman signs her name, as " Ethel 
Husted," and then puts her formal name, 
" Mrs. Hollis Husted," in brackets a little to 
the left of and a little below the other. 

-Never sign a title. The name only is your 
signature. It may be necessary to write the 
title in brackets and at the left, as "(Miss)" 
or "(Mrs.)," but it should never be part of the 
signature. Such notes as demand the use of 
the title are put in the third person. 

The date should be at the end of a social 
note, in the lower left-hand corner, and should 
be written out, with the name of the year 
omitted and no figures used. The grammatical 
form is " The ninth of December," never " De- 
cember the ninth," nor " December ninth." 

In business letters the salutation for a firm 
name is " Dear Sir," or " Gentlemen." Where 
two married women go into business together, 
there seems to be in English no combined title 
to take the place of the French, so that is gen- 
erally used, and that is " Mesdames," abbre- 
viated " Mmes." before their names. 

The formal conclusions of letters are : " Re- 
spectfully yours," used to a superior ; " Sin- 
cerely yours," or " Truly yours," used largely 
in business, or the same forms with the adverb 
" Very 99 preceding them. Less formal terms 



68 The Etiquette of To-day 

are : " Cordially yours," " Fraternally yours," 
or the pronoun with any appropriate adverb 
which the originality of the writer may suggest. 
Less abrupt, but not less formal, endings are: 
" With best regards, I am," etc.; " With kind- 
est regards, I remain," etc. ; " Believe me 
Very sincerely yours." 

For intimate letters either to relatives or 
friends no specified suggestions are needed. 
The ordinary form, " Your affectionate 
daughter," or " niece," etc., may, however, be 
employed, in dearth of special inspiration. 

Distinction is sometimes made between busi- 
ness and social letters by the position of "Yours," 
— it being placed before the adverb in social cor- 
respondence, and after in business. The tone of 
the letter may be left to guide in this matter. 
There is an abruptness always somewhat un- 
pleasant in the use of the adverb alone. 

Make the beginning and ending of a letter 
the same in degree of cordiality. Do not begin 
formally " My dear Madam," and end " Cor- 
dially yours." 

Every letter should be signed with the full 
name of the writer. A possible exception might 
be made of those addressed to members of one's 
own family, where the use of the Christian 
name only would mean no ambiguity, or where 
the signing of the surname gives a touch of 
formality, It is well, however, to remember 



Conversation and Correspondence 69 

that letters placed in the post take the chances 
of fortune, and, with the plainest of addresses, 
may, by the absence of the person or for some 
other cause, bring up in the Dead-letter Office. 
Their resurrection there will depend upon their 
containing the full name of the sender as well 
as his address. If a letter is valuable enough 
to send, it is valuable enough to sign, even if 
the signature be double, — first the familiar or 
given name, and then, in the lower left-hand 
corner, the full name. 

It is well to use always the name which is 
your legal signature. This will prevent confu- 
sion, and forestall the possibility of your put- 
ting, from force of habit, the wrong form of 
your name upon a legal document. 

It is well to write one's name in full. Three 
complete names are none too many for individ- 
ual distinction in so crowded a world as is ours. 
If, however, the middle one is represented by 
an initial only, always write it uniformly. It 
is better, if the form with initial only has not 
become really established, to use the full name, 
although it may be long. 

The form of one's signature and the style of 
the handwriting soon become habitual. There- 
fore, every effort should be made to make* and 
keep it legible. An illegible signature is un- 
pardonable, — save perhaps on a page at the 
top of which a printed or engraved letterhead 



70 The Etiquette of To-day 

gives the name in full. There is, however^ the 
danger that the writer of the illegible signature 
will sometime sign his name on a legal docu- 
ment, or a sheet not bearing his letterhead, and 
the signature stand for nothing. 

Letters of Introduction 

A letter of introduction should never be re- 
quested. If it is offered it is a sign of great 
regard. If it is greatly desired, it might be 
well to acquaint the person, in whose power it 
is to offer it, with the circumstances and inter- 
ests which make it desirable, but never to do 
more than this. 

The advisability of giving letters of intro- 
duction depends upon the circumstances. Be- 
tween business acquaintances and for business 
purposes, it is a common form of establishing 
connection among various interests, and, if done 
with discrimination, is to be approved. It 
should, however, even in business be done 
sparingly, as it is a matter of personal friend- 
ship, usually, and as no one has a right to 
make numerous or exacting demands upon one's 
friends. 

Socially it is a matter of £>reat delicacy, and 
should have even more restrictions put upon it 
than does the introduction in company. For 
the written introduction is used because dis- 



Conversation and Correspondence 71 



tance prevents the personal one, and that usu- 
ally throws the recipient of such a letter into the 
position of host to the traveler or newcomer, 
or at least of benefactor to some degree. It 
places upon him an obligation not involved in 
the verbal introduction, and the presumption 
is that he is to do some favor, or show some 
special attention. 

Letters of introduction may be explanatory 
or brief. Brevity is preferable, but circum- 
stances must determine. 

A visiting card is often used with the words 
" Introducing Mr. Allan Golding to Mr. Mor- 
ris, 7 ' or similar form, written across the top. 
The card should be enclosed in a small envelope 
and left unsealed. 

A brief form of letter simply says : " Permit 
me to introduce to your favorable notice Mr. 
Silas Emerson." 

A more explicit form would be a letter the 
body of which would resemble the following: 

" The bearer, Mr. Mark W. Allen, who is an 
old friend and neighbor of mine, represents the 
Altmann Irrigation Company, and is desirous 
of obtaining information in regard to the sys- 
tem of waterways lately put into your county. 
Knowing your influential position in regard to 
all matters of public interest, I have sent him 
to you in the hope that you may be able to put 
him in touch with the people who will give him 



72 The Etiquette of To-day 



the desired information. Any favor that you 
may do Mr. Allen, or any courtesy that you 
may extend to him, will be deeply appreciated 
by me." 

A purely social letter of introduction would 
say in substance : " Mrs. Arthur L. Westmore, 
who presents this letter to you, is an intimate 
and cherished friend of mine, and one whom I 
know you would desire to meet. She is to 
spend some little time in your city, and any 
courtesy that you may do her I shall deeply 
appreciate. I have told her of our friendship, 
and she knows how highly I value you, and is 
eager to meet you." 

When a letter of introduction is given, it is 
well to write the receiver concerning the friend 
who will present it, that he may not be taken 
unawares, nor continue long ignorant of the 
claims of that friend upon him. 

A gentleman usually presents such a letter 
by calling in person and sending in the letter, 
together with one of his personal cards, by the 
servant who answers the bell, or by the office 
boy. A lady usually mails the letter and one 
of her cards giving her address. She should 
receive an acknowledgment with a call or offer 
of hospitality within a day or two. 

A person who makes use of a letter of in* 
troduction should acknowledge to the giver the 
courtesy he has received, with due gratitude. 



Conversation and Correspondence 73 



Letters of Recommendation 

Letters of recommendation should be spar- 
ingly given. It is becoming less and less im- 
portant, in the minds of experienced employers, 
to demand references. The personality of the 
applicant counts, and the varying traits which 
different positions cultivate make the experi- 
ences of the past of but little guidance, save 
in a broad and general way. 

The giving of recommendations at random, 
" To whom it may concern," is also less done 
than formerly, as there is such uncertainty in 
regard to their use. Instead of this, the servant 
is told that she may use the former mistress's 
name as reference. The new, would-be em- 
ployer then writes a note of inquiry to the 
former employer. 

In replying to such a note great conscien- 
tiousness should be shown. Full justice should 
be done the servant. Only the truth should be 
told, and as much of it as a generous heart 
and wise conscience, coupled with a sense of 
responsibility toward the inquirer, permit. 
These letters should be brief and not effusive 
on any point, nor evasive of the issue at stake. 

Never write to another, asking for informa- 
tion, or a favor of any kind, without enclosing 
a stamped and addressed envelope for reply. 



74 The Etiquette of To-day 



Third-person Letters 

Letters are written in the third person in an- 
swer to formal invitations so worded, and in 
correspondence between people but slightly ac- 
quainted or known to each other only by reputa- 
tion, persons not social equals, and by trades- 
people and their patrons. 

Great care should be taken to preserve the 
impersonal diction throughout the letter, and to 
refrain from signing it. The tone should al- 
ways be formal and very polite. 

An order may take the form of a request, as 
" Will Mr. Sutherland please . . . and oblige," 
with the signature of the writer. 

Informal Invitations and Announcements 

In inviting a friend to visit you, it is cus- 
tomary to mention the length of the visit, set- 
ting a definite date for it and limit to it. This 
makes it possible for both hostess and guest to 
arrange other engagements. 

A time-table of the trains, if the guest comes 
from the distance, with an account of the trolley 
lines, if from near at hand, should be enclosed. 

The engagement of a daughter may be an- 
nounced by informal notes to one 7 s whole circle 
of friends and acquaintances. The following 



Conversation and Correspondence 75 



form of note may serve as a suggestion: " I am 
sure that you will join our household in sym- 
pathy with Eleanor in her happiness when I 
tell you that she has just announced her engage- 
ment to Mr. Harold Farnham, a man of whom 
her father and I thoroughly approve. The wed- 
ding will not take place for some months, but 
felicitations are in order." 

Letters of Condolence 

A letter of condolence should be short and 
quite sincere, or else the courteous custom of 
sending it is more honored in the breach than 
in the observance. 

Such letters should be sent very promptly. 

To expatiate to any extent whatever upon the 
bereavement is heartless or thoughtless, and as 
there is no danger of ambiguity, the letter does 
not need to account for itself in any way. 

The following letter is as explicit as any let- 
ter of condolence need ever be, and the second 
form is preferable, unless great intimacy makes 
the less abrupt one permissible. 

" Dear Me. Legrow : 

I have read of your bereavement with the 
deepest sorrow. I cannot tell you how fully I 
sympathize with you and your children, or how 
wy heart aches for you in your loneliness. May 



76 The Etiquette of To-day 



you have strength and grace to bear up under 
the great loss you have sustained. 

Sincerely yours, 

Margaret Edelstone." . 

" Dear Mrs. Hilcox : 

You have my deepest sympathy. 
Ever cordially yours, 

Mildred Hasseltine." 

Answering Letters 

Business letters should be answered by return 
mail, as should also all invitations to dinner or 
luncheon. 

All invitations should be answered within a 
day if possible, because delay looks like a re- 
luctance to accept. They should certainly be 
answered, either personally or by letter, within 
a week after the invitation is received. 

Friendly letters should have such promptness 
of response as circumstances and the intimacy 
of the friendship demand. 

Notes of congratulation and felicitation 
should be sent promptly after receiving the card 
or note announcement of an engagement or a 
birth, and in the latter case at least, should be 
followed by a call. 

A personal visiting card, with the words 
" Thank you for sympathy " written over the 



Conversation and Correspondence 77 

name, is sufficient acknowledgment of letters of 
condolence. To very intimate friends, however, 
the spontaneous note of thanks would be more 
courteous. As it is almost impossible, at such 
a time, to attend to matters of social intercourse, 
the sending of the card is always permissible, 
and can occasion no offense, even if the more 
intimate acknowledgment was hoped for. 



CHAPTER V 



CASUAL MEETINGS AND CALLS 

Greetings and Recognitions 

The bow and the handshake are the accepted 
forms of greeting in the United States to-day. 
The bow varies from a very slight inclination 
of the head, as one gentleman passes another, 
or from the quick touching of the hat with the 
hand, in a sort of reminiscence of the militarv 
salute, to the various degrees of elaborate bow 
which savors of European ceremonial courtesy. 

The usual form is a bending of the head and 
shoulders, with the eyes kept on those of the 
person greeted, the hat being removed from 
the head and held in the right hand during the 
bow, — which is at once brief, deferential, and 
dignified. It may be accompanied by the hand- 
shake, in which case the hat is lifted by the left 
hand. 

The degree of the depth of the bow is usually 
spontaneous, determined by the deference felt, 
or the emotions which the meeting may sum- 
mon. It is useless to bow low to conceal scorn 



Casual Meetings and Calls 79 

or real disdain, for they are sure to reveal them- 
selves in the artificiality of the pose, or in the 
carriage of the shoulders, or in the movement 
of an eyelash, and usually nohody is deceived. 

The correct position for an extreme bow is 
with the feet near together, the legs straight, 
and the entire body inclined from the hips. 
This is somewhat too extreme for common use, 
and should be modified always in public, the 
less elaborate bow being much preferable upon 
the street or in public places. 

A woman bows more erectly than a man does, 
and gives perhaps as cordial an impression by 
the greater expressiveness of her greeting, which 
should always be characteristic, and never me- 
chanical, or in imitation of others, whose natu- 
ral traits may be far different, however admira- 
ble she may consider their style to be. It is only 
when she meets some one her senior, or in much 
more important social position, or one whom 
she specially delights to honor, that she elabo- 
rates her bow, or curtsies if not in public and 
if the occasion admit of the formality. 

A lady should be straightforward in her 
greeting, never condescending to the coquettish 
mannerism of letting the eyes fall during the 
bow. She should sink her personal conscious- 
ness in the fact of meeting another, and should 
not intrude it into the intellectual interest of 
such a meefckig, 



80 The Etiquette of To-day 

The handshake is accomplished by extending 
the right hand horizontally from the elbow and 
clasping, between the closed four fingers and 
thumb of the hand, the closed four fingers of 
the friend's right hand, then quietly shaking it. 
This is sometimes varied by lifting the clasped 
hands, — not the elbow, — to the height of the 
shoulders, and there mildly shaking them, or 
clasping them with a slight pressure and letting 
them drop, — styles savoring of affectation. 
The impulse prompting the handshake, — that 
of getting together in intimate personal greet- 
ing, — is accomplished when the clasp is ended, 
and vigorous and prolonged shaking, or special 
pressure, or continued holding of the hand, are 
all alike unpardonable. 

The bow is the least sign of recognition, and 
may mean little or much, but its significance is 
known only to the two concerned. While it is 
permissible in public places to make its cor- 
diality, or lack of it, apparent, it is not per- 
missible to greet fellow guests at any private 
social function with either more or less than a 
uniform and impartial courtesy. 

The bow does not mean that one has a calling 
acquaintance. It may mean only a casual 
knowledge of one another's existence, due to 
some brief coming together. Intentionally to 
neglect to bow, after a bowing acquaintance has 
once been established, is an open affront, and 



Casual Meetings and Calls 81 

denotes either extreme rudeness or veiled insult. 
The dropping of an acquaintance by refusal to 
recognize, may, in our complicated social sys- 
tem, sometimes be necessary, but it is only jus- 
tified by the necessity for society to safeguard 
itself against some of the more flagrant social 
abuses. 

It is a woman's privilege, in meeting a man 
whom she knows, to bow first. Indeed, the man 
always waits for her to do so, unless he is a very 
intimate friend. A woman should always be 
sure, before bowing to a man, that she knows 
him and that she has caught his eye. 

When a gentleman is walking with a lady, he 
lifts his hat when she bows to an acquaintance, 
even if the person is not known to him. So, 
also, when he is alone and meets a man whom 
he knows, who is in the company of a lady, he 
lifts his hat. When, walking with a lady, he 
meets a gentleman whom he knows, he removes 
his hat. 

When a gentleman meets a party of ladies or 
stops to speak with one only, it is customary for 
him to retain his hat in his hand until she re- 
quests him to replace it. This is done with 
social superiors and to show great respect, being 
more ceremonial than finds common acceptance 
among Americans. 

When he is with a gentleman who bows to a 
lady, he also lifts his hat. It is proper for him 



82 The Etiquette of To-day 



to lift the hat when offering any courtesy to a 
lady, even though a total stranger, and upon 
leaving a lady with whom he or a person accom- 
panying him has been talking. 

It is well to return a bow which is directed 
to you, even if you do not know the one bowing. 
This often saves considerable embarrassment to 
the one who has for the moment mistaken you 
for some one else. 

When passing before ladies seated in a lec- 
ture hall, or concert, a gentleman always asks 
their pardon for troubling them. 

In passing or repassing on the street or 
promenade, a single bow is sufficient recogni- 
tion, even though you may meet an acquaintance 
several times. 

A lady, receiving in her own home, shakes 
hands with the stranger with the same cordiality 
as with the friend. 

A gentleman when greeting a lady never 
takes the initiative in hand-shaking. If a lady 
offers her hand, however, it would be very rude 
indeed for a gentleman not to accept the cour- 
tesy. 

Persons who have met at the house of a 
mutual friend, but have not been introduced, 
are under no obligation to bow when they meet 
elsewhere afterward, and usually do not. 

When a man passes a lady on a staircase, in 
the corridor of a hotel, in the elevator of a 



Casual Meetings and Calls 83 

private apartment house, or in the public rooms 
of a hotel, he lifts his hat although she may be 
a stranger. 

This rule does not prevail on the staircases 
and in the corridors of office buildings, with the 
exception, perhaps, of banks and such offices as 
people of wealth frequent; for a new fineness 
of courtesy has made men feel that, as women 
are winning an equality of position in the busi- 
ness field, a delicate way of recognizing that 
equality is by giving them a comradely defer- 
ence rather than paying them the social atten- 
tions. Another marked expression of this is in 
the fact that a business man, when walking on 
the street with a business woman, does not inter- 
rupt their conversation by changing sides with 
her in order to keep constantly on the outside 
of the walk. 

An indication of the two kinds of courtesy, 
social and business, is often grotesquely shown 
when a woman in social life, perhaps the wife 
of one of the men present, enters an office where 
there are both men and women of equal busi- 
ness importance and social rank. There is an 
elaborate social courtesy paid to the wife, who 
is in private life, which would not be paid, and 
would seem grotesque and ill-mannered if paid, 
to the business woman, even though she were at 
once the active vice president of the corporation 
and wife of the president. 



84 The Etiquette of To-day 



Introductions 

The usual form of introduction is, " Mrs. 
Allen, may I present Mr. Brown ? " Or, " Mrs. 
Allen, let me present Mr. Brown." Or, " Mrs. 
Caldwell, allow me to present Colonel Glazier." 
Where, however, the permission need not be 
suggested, and the relative standing of the 
people is the same, the form may be only, " Mrs. 
Gleason, Mr. Ansel." 

When it is necessary to introduce one person 
to several, the form is, " Mrs. Gladstone, I want 
you to meet Mrs. Falmouth, Miss Washburn, 
Mr. Cronkshaw, and Mr. Edgerton." The one 
introduced simply repeats each name and smiles 
as she greets each in turn. 

Another form much in use is, " Miss Hans- 
com, I want you to know my friend, Mr. 
Thompson, the artist," and is preferable be- 
cause of its definiteness. 

The response to an introduction is, " I am 
happy to meet you," or, " I am very glad to 
meet you." 

If one does not catch the name of the per- 
son introduced, it is proper to ask it, saying, 
" Pardon me, but I did not understand the 
name." 

Introductions should always be spoken dis- 
tinctly, especially the names. If, in intro- 



Casual Meetings and Calls 85 

ducing, one can add a sentence which will give 
a subject of conversation, the preliminaries of 
acquaintance may be speedily passed, and mem- 
orable information and real profit be gleaned 
from even a casual meeting. 

It is a mark of intelligence and social instinct 
to be quick to catch and retain in memory a face 
and name from even a brief introduction, and 
the tacit compliment to the person so remem- 
bered is apt to win his favor. 

Persons who have not been introduced are not 
considered acquainted. The exceptions to this 
rule are the guests under a common roof, while 
they are there. 

Introductions should never be indiscrimi- 
nately made. There should be willingness, if 
not eagerness, on the part of both to meet. A 
hostess is, however, warranted in introducing 
two people who she knows will be congenial, or 
if they have before expressed a desire to become 
acquainted. If any doubt exists as to how the 
introduction will be received by either, they 
should not be introduced. 

One should never introduce two acquaintances 
who reside in the same town but move in dif- 
ferent social circles, unless each had desired the 
introduction. 

If there is a difference of station or age, then 
it is necessary only to ask the older or more 
prominent person whether the introduction 



86 The Etiquette of To-day 



would be acceptable. This should be done 
quietly, and quite out of hearing or knowledge 
of the other person concerned. 

A gentleman should ask a mutual friend for 
an introduction to a lady whom he wishes to 
meet. Unless there is no possible objection, the 
mutual friend should not introduce the gentle- 
man until he has made sure that the lady is 
willing. 

It is not well to introduce gentlemen to one 
another indiscriminately, nor should ladies be 
so introduced. One wishes to keep the bound- 
aries of one's acquaintance within certain 
definite limits, and choice is easier made before 
acquaintance than after. So, one shows great 
care in offering introductions to others, and 
exercises the same care for one's self. 

If a hostess and her guest are out walking 
together, the hostess would introduce to her 
guest every friend who happened to stop and 
speak with her, and the guest, should she meet 
acquaintances of her own, would introduce each 
of them to her hostess. This is practically the 
only case where indiscriminate introducing is 
good form, and here the obligations of hospital- 
ity safeguard it. 

A lady usually offers her hand to a gentleman 
who has been introduced to her, but a bow, a 
smile, and a repetition of the name are all that 
is necessary where several introductions are 



Carnal Meetings and Calls 87 

being made, as at a large reception or dancing 
party. 

A gentleman always offers his hand to an- 
other gentleman on being introduced. 

An elderly lady may offer her hand in all 
introductions with perfect propriety. 

If, while walking out with a friend, you meet 
another, do not introduce the two. A transient 
meeting is of no particular moment to them, 
and their friendship or acquaintance with you 
is not necessarily of strong enough interest to 
make them desire acquaintance. If, however, 
you meet at some public place, and are detained 
there together for several minutes, then the in- 
troduction should be given. 

When meeting at the house of a mutual ac- 
quaintance, friends may introduce friends, but 
it is preferable to leave the introductions to the 
hostess. 

It is no longer necessary to introduce each 
guest to everybody else at a party. Introduc- 
tions are made as opportunity or necessity may 
dictate. This abolishing of promiscuous and 
wholesale introductions relieves two very em- 
barrassing situations, — that of being intro- 
duced by announcement to a whole roomful of 
people, and that of being taken around and 
introduced to them singly. 

A mother may present her son, or a sister her 
brother, or a wife her husband, if she so desires, 



88 The Etiquette of To-day 



without any question as to the propriety of it. 
A man should not, on the other hand, introduce 
another man to his wife, or a son or brother 
make a presentation of a man to his mother or 
sister, unless he knows that such acquaintance 
could not but be agreeable to the lady, and un- 
less it meets with his own approval. For it is 
a man's place always to safeguard a woman 
against undesirable acquaintances. 

A woman, in introducing her husband, gives 
him his title, if he has one, as " Judge Hart- 
well/' " Doctor Foley." The wife of the Presi- 
dent of the United States speaks of him only 
as " The President," and in presenting people 
to him, he is always addressed as " Mr. Presi- 
dent," with the invariable omission of his sur- 
name, 

A friend or acquaintance, no matter how dis- 
tinguished, is always presented to one's father 
or mother or one's intimate relative, where the 
intimacy of the relation makes an honor more 
distinguishing, in the mind of the introducer, 
than any of reputation or position. 

A young man should be introduced to an 
older man, a young woman to an older woman. 

A man is always presented to a woman, never 
the reverse. 

If a lady is seated and a man is presented to 
her, she need not rise. If two ladies, both 
seated, are introduced to each other, they should 



Casual Meetings and Calls 89 

rise, unless one is old or an invalid, in which 
case both remain seated. Two gentlemen, 
though both are seated, rise and shake hands 
when introduced. 

A young lady always rises when an elderly 
person is introduced. 

Introductions are not made at table. The 
guests at a dinner party should be presented to 
one another in the drawing-room before coming 
to the table, and if that is impossible, as many 
should be introduced as may be, especially those 
who are to sit beside or near or opposite each 
other. If one is seated beside a guest whom he 
has not met, the man takes the initiative in 
speaking a few words as soon as he takes his 
seat, to which the lady responds always cor- 
dially, keeping up more or less of a conversation 
during the dinner. 

At dancing parties all those who are giving 
the party, as well as all the ushers and those 
who receive, make introductions as general as 
possible, so as to insure the pleasure of the 
guests during the evening. 

An introduction at a dance carries with it 
the obligation on the part of the man to ask the 
woman for a dance, and on her part to grant his 
request unless her card is full. 

When traveling great care should be taken 
as to introductions. 

As a guest one should be ready and willing 



i 



90 The Etiquette of To-day 

to meet any one whom his host or hostess may 
introduce, even though it be an enemy. The 
obligations of hospitality rest nowhere mwe 
heavily than in this matter. They demand that 
impartial courtesy should be shown to every 
one. 

Calls 

Calls must be made in person, rather than by 
card left by messenger or post, after an invita- 
tion to dinner, luncheon, supper, or similar 
function, and that within a week or, at farthest, 
two weeks of the date of the affair. One should 
also call in person within two weeks of any en- 
tertainment to which one has been asked, espe- 
cially if one has attended. 

One need repay formal calls, where no in- 
vitation to any social occasion has been received, 
only once a year. Even in this case, cards may 
be sent by mail. In the country it is usual to 
go in person, though one does not ask if the lady 
of the house is at home. 

Calls should be made upon the " At Home " 
day, if one is engraved upon the card. If a 
person is ill, a near relative, or intimate friend, 
may leave a card for her at the house of the 
friend upon whom she wished to call 

Society holds young people who are free to 
attend parties and entertainments under stern 



Casual Meetings and Calls 91 

obligation to pay their social calls. Young 
mothers, professional women, students, invalids, 
and semi-in valid s are not expected to conform 
rigidly to the same rules. If a young woman 
can go to a party to amuse herself, she must call 
afterwards to acknowledge the courtesy of the 
invitation. 

If a mother cannot call in person, her 
daughter or some one else may pay the 
necessary calls in her stead. Or she may in- 
vite the people whom she would otherwise call 
on. to an afternoon tea. which is more of a 

7 7 

compliment than a call. 

In calling at a house, should the door be 
opened by a member of the family, the caller 
does not present her card to the lady or gentle- 
man, but steps in, asking for the person whom 
she wants to see. She may leave her card un- 
obtrusively on the table when she goes out. 

If a maid opens the door, the card is handed 
to her and received on a small tray. !Nb well- 
trained maid ever extends her hand to receive 
a visiting card. 

If a caller wishes to be very formal, she 
leaves a card for every lady in the family on 
whom she wishes to call. 

In the beginning of the season a wife always 
leaves her husband's card with her own, and 
she usually does this also when making a call 
at the close of the season. 



92 



The Etiquette of To-day 



An unmarried woman calling on a married 
friend leaves only one card. If the friend has 
daughters or is entertaining a guest, a card may 
be left for each. 

A lady always rises to receive a visitor. 

It takes good judgment to know when to go, 
but it should be cultivated and practised. 
Lingering in taking one's leave is a great weari- 
ness, to one's hostess if not to one's self. 

After a birth calls are made upon the mother 
after the child is a month old. 

After a death the friends of the family 
should call in person inside of a month. The 
members of the family do not receive them, 
however, unless they wish to do so. 

Social Calls of Men 

A man never carries or leaves the cards of 
other men, nor can he leave cards for any of 
the women of his family. 

A gentleman who calls on a lady's afternoon 
at home leaves in the card tray, on entering the 
house, a card for his hostess and one for his 
host. The card for his host must be left, even 
if that gentleman does not appear in the draw- 
ing-room, provided the caller is acquainted with 
him, and providing he is calling in acknowl- 
edgment of some hospitality recently received. 

If there is a host, hostess, and young lady 



Casual Meetings and Calls 93 



daughter in the house, and the caller is a friend 
of the latter, he leaves three cards. 

The man who is making his first or last call 
for the season on the regular afternoon at home, 
leaves one card for each of the ladies, and each 
one of the men of the household whose ac- 
quaintance he can claim. 

When a man calls on a lady's day at home, 
and his call has no reference to any social debts, 
he leaves only one card in the tray. If he is 
somewhat intimate in the house where the call 
is paid, he leaves no card at all. 

A man does not call upon a woman unless she 
invites him, or some member of her family does, 
or he goes with a mutual friend who has made 
sure of his welcome. A woman may say to a 
man, " Mother and I are usually at home Fri- 
days, and would like to have you call," or some 
other form of invitation which denotes cordial- 
ity. 

A man who desires to call in particular upon 
one lady, in a family where there are several, 
hands his card to the servant with the words, 
" Please give this to Miss Curley, and I 
would like to see all the other ladies also." 
The ladies appear and greet him, withdrawing 
that he may call upon the one he especially 
wished to see. 

If calling upon a guest in a home, you always 
ask for the hostess also. 



94 



The Etiquette of To-day 



A man retains his hat, gloves, and walking 
stick in hand during a formal call, though he 
may have left his overcoat in the hall, 

First Calls 

In America it is the usual custom for resi- 
dents of the city or town to call first upon new- 
comers, Washington is a well-known exception 
to this rule, as strangers there call first upon 
government officials and their families. In 
most European cities newcomers call first upon 
those already in residence. The residents, from 
the officials down, return their cards, and the 
visitor or newcomer receives invitations to social 
functions. 

In practice the resident does not usually 
know anything about the stranger, and may 
not have even heard of her arrival. Sometimes 
the newcomer sends out cards for several days 
in a month, to those with whom she would like 
to become acquainted. If she can enclose the 
card of a mutual friend, as a silent voucher for 
her social standing, her position is more quickly 
and more surely granted her. 

Clergymen and their families, brides, and 
persons of note are entitled to receive first calls. 
The older residents of the community are ex- 
pected to lead in the list of callers who welcome 
the newcomers. 



Casual Meetings and Calls 95 

First calls should be promptly returned, 
within a week at the very latest. 

A married woman making a first call upon a 
married friend sends one of her own and two 
of her husband's cards to her new acquaintance. 



CHAPTEE VI 



THE PERSONAL CARD AND THE ENGRAVED 

INVITATION 

Form of Card 

A man's card is usually one and a half by 
three inches in size, and made of fairly stiff 
bristol board. A woman's card is usually about 
two and three-sixteenths by three inches, and 
made of dull-finish, fine, medium-weight bristol 
board. 

The color of cards is a fine pearl white. 
Cream or tinted cards are never in good form. 

The engraving varies from plain script to 
elaborate Old English text, or shaded Roman 
type, according to the fashion. The engraver 
may be trusted to know the style and stock most 
in use. 

The card of an unmarried lady should be 
somewhat smaller than that of the married. 
This distinction is made, however, only in case 
of the card of the debutante. 



Engraved Invitations 97 



Inscription 

If there is room across the card the full name 
should be engraved. If the names are too long, 
only the initials of given names should be used. 

All inscriptions on one card should be in the 
same style of type. 

" Mr." is prefixed, unless there is a special 
title, such as, " Reverend," " Doctor," " Colo- 
nel," etc. If a man should, in an emergency, 
write his own name on a card, he would not 
prefix the " Mr.," or any other title. The 
name should be written in full and should be 
an autograph. 

A married lady should have her husband's 
full name, or such form or parts of it as he 
uses, with the title " Mrs.," and not her own 
name. 

A young woman has the title " Miss " en- 
graved before her name, even though she be 
only a schoolgirl. 

A young man has no title at all on his card, 
but simply his full name. 

The newly married couple use a card with 
the title of " Mr. and Mrs." for the first year 
after marriage, in returning their ceremonious 
calls after the wedding, and paying formal calls 
when the husband is unable to accompany the 
wife. These cards should have the address in 



98 The Etiquette of To-day 



the lower right-hand corner, and the reception 
day or days in the lower left. After the first 
year they are seldom used in paying calls, but 
can be used for condolence, congratulation, or 
farewell where both husband and wife desire 
to be formally represented. 

A woman who is personally distinguished, 
who occupies a high social position, or whose 
husband stands at the head of his family, may 
have only " Mrs. Barnaby," not " Mrs. John 
Barnaby," upon her cards. It is better, how- 
ever, not to do so unless one has the indisputable 
right to be considered as the Mrs. Barnaby of 
the locality. It is customary for the wife of 
the oldest brother of the oldest branch of the 
family alone to have the privilege of this form. 

The same rule of precedence applies to single 
women. The oldest unmarried daughter of the 
oldest brother, and she alone, has the right to 
use " Miss Campbell " on her card, although 
she may have a cousin who is much older than 
herself, but who is the daughter of a younger 
brother of the same family. 

A widow has no cards during her year of 
mourning, as she makes no formal visits. After 
that, cards with black border to any depth de- 
sired may be used. 

A widow has no legal right to retain her 
kmsband's Christian name, but she often prefers 
fb do so, and it is entirely proper, the question 



Engraved Invitations 99 



being one of sentiment alone. In case there is 
a married son of the same name as the father, 
then it is proper for the mother to put " Sr." 
for Senior, at the end of her name, should she 
desire still to retain her husband's Christian 
name. 

In such a case widows occasionally prefer to 
use their own names or initials. 

In this country a married woman merges her 
name with that of her husband. It is not un- 
common nowadays for married women to sign 
their own Christian name, their maiden sur- 
name, and their husband's surname as their sig- 
nature. There is value in this as it preserves 
the family identity of the married woman, bnf 
the question of its legality may always be raised. 

The name of daughter or daughters is often 
engraved below that of the mother on her card, 
before the young woman enters formally into 
society. The form " The Misses Smith " may 
be used, or the names given separately. In New 
York in some circles the debutante is not given 
a separate card until she has been in society a 
year. As American schoolgirls often have a 
card with the prefix " Miss," the debutante may 
use this among her girl friends. 

To write anything on an engraved card 
except " Condolences," " Congratulations," 
"P. p. c." is not considered good style, al- 
though a lady may use her visiting card with 



100 The Etiquette of To-day 



" Five o'clock tea," " Music," or a special date 
written upon it as an informal invitation to a 
musical or " At Home." 

A business or professional woman may have, 
in addition to her society card, a card with her 
own name for business purposes. This usually 
has a word or two denoting her profession in 
the lower left-hand corner, and her business ad- 
dress in the lower right. 

A lady's card should always contain her home 
address in the lower right-hand corner. Her 
afternoon " At Home " is usually given in the 
lower left. 

The address is often omitted from cards for 
men, being engraved on those of the women of 
the family. Men belonging to a fashionable 
or well-known club put its name, instead of their 
residence, on their cards. This is especially the 
case when they do not live at home. If living at 
a club, the address is put on the lower left-hand 
corner ; if living at home, the lower right-hand 
corner. 

On a man's business cards the title " Mr." is 
omitted, the name of his firm, their business, 
and address, being engraved in the lower left- 
hand corner. 

Titles 

Titles which signify permanent rank, or pro- 
fession that lasts for life, and which are allied 



Engraved Invitations 101 



to a man's identity or distinctly bear upon his 
social standing, should be used. 

Temporary titles, which have no special social 
rank or bearing, or professional titles, such as 
" Esquire " for lawyers, which have no social 
significance, are not used. 

For the same reason that temporary or tech- 
nical titles are not used, honorarv titles are 
omitted. There should be no pretense in regard 
to social position, as pretense is easy and futile. 
A man appears in society simply as an ordinary 
individual, to win favor and position by force 
of his personality, or to lose it thereby. 

An army or a naval officer, a physician, a 
judge, or a clergyman may use his title on his 
card, as, for instance, " Captain James Smith," 
" Judge Henry Gray," " Rev. Thomas J ones, 
D. D." The card of an Associate Justice of the 
United States Supreme Court at Washington 
reads " Mr. Justice Holmes." Military or com- 
plimentary titles are not used, nor are coats of 
arms. In this republican country it is consid- 
ered an affectation and bad taste so to make use 
of them. Political and judicial titles are also 
omitted, as are academic titles, such as Chan- 
cellor, Dean, and Professor. 

~No title below the rank of Captain is used on 
the card in military circles. A lieutenant's card 
would give his full name with the prefix " Mr." 
and below it the words, " Lieutenant of Fifth 



102 The Etiquette of To-day 



Cavalry, United States Army/' or simply, 
" United States Coast Guard Service." 

Use 

The etiquette of the visiting card is a fluctua- 
ting one. It cannot be laid down for all time, 
or even for next season. 

On entering at a reception, or afternoon tea, 
one leaves a card in the salver offered by the 
butler or attendant who opens the door, or upon 
the hall table, as a reminder to the hostess, who 
can hardly be expected to remember, if enter- 
taining a large number, every one who has been 
there. 

One does not leave cards at a wedding recep- 
tion, however. 

At an afternoon tea, it is no longer necessary 
to leave a card apiece from all the members of 
the invited families to all the members of the 
family of the hostess and her guests also. The 
single card for the host and hostess is all that is 
required. 

Should one be invited to a series of receptions, 
one leaves cards only once although one may 
attend twice. Leaving cards in person after a 
tea or reception is good form only for cere- 
monious affairs. After the usual private recep- 
tion one should certainly call. 

If only one member of a family can attend 



Engraved Invitations 



103 



a reception to which the others have been in- 
vited, she may leave the cards of the others, to- 
gether with her own, with perfect propriety. 

Also when one is not able to attend a recep- 
tion or an afternoon tea, cards may be sent by 
mail, although it is better to send them by mes- 
senger, to arrive on the day of the entertainment. 
One should call within a fortnight. 

It is not now considered necessary to call in 
person where formerly it was so held. The 
sending of the personal card often takes the 
place of the call. Nor need this be done by 
messenger. Cards for any purpose may now be 
sent by mail. 

After removing from one part of the city to 
another, it is customary for ladies to send en- 
graved cards with their new address and with 
their reception day to all of their circle of ac- 
quaintances. 

A woman who is stopping for a brief time in 
a city where she has friends, sends to them her 
card containing her temporary address and the 
length of her stay, as " Here until June second," 
or " Here until Sunday." 

A man, however, calls upon his friends, and 
if they are absent leaves his card giving the 
same information. 

If a son old enough to go into society wishes 
to do so, his card is left with his father's and 
.mother's at the beginning of the season. He 



104 The Etiquette of To-day 

will then be invited to the functions given by 
the friends of his parents. 

When there is illness or mourning in the 
household, friends leave their cards with the 
words " To inquire/' " Sincere condolence," or 
" Sympathy " written upon them. 

The card which accompanies wedding gifts 
should be the joint card of " Mr. and Mrs.," if 
the gift is sent jointly, and may well have the 
words " Best wishes and congratulations," 
written upon it. 

The initials " P. p. c." meaning " Pour 
prendre conge/' or " To take leave," are written 
upon one's personal cards, which are then sent 
out to one's friends when one is going away 
from a place either permanently or for a long 
time. They are usually written in the lower 
left-hand corner of the card. These cards may 
be sent by post, when the person leaving town 
has not the time to make a personal visit. They 
are not used when leaving town for the summer. 

It is quite proper to send or leave "P. p. c." 
cards when one goes away from a summer re- 
sort, especially if the people to whom they are 
sent do not live during the year in the same 
town or city with the sender. 

It is no longer permissible to fold over the 
ends of a card, to signify that it was intended 
for all the members of the family. 

The birth of a child may be announced by a 



Engraved Invitations 105 



small card containing the full name of the child 
daintily engraved, with the date of the birth 
in the lower left-hand corner. The card is tied 
to the mother's card by white ribbon, and both 
are enclosed in one envelope and sent by post. 

Visiting cards for those who are in mourn- 
ing are the same size as the ordinary card. The 
width of the black border is regulated by the 
degree of the relationship to the deceased. 

The Engraved Invitation 

A fine grade of heavy, unglazed, pure white 
paper, suede finish, in double sheet folded to 
a size about five by seven and a half inches, 
or less, inserted in an envelope of the same 
width but half the length, is used for the 
billet on which wedding invitations and an- 
nouncements are engraved. The impress of the 
plate demarks a margin of about an inch. 

A heavy or medium grade of white bristol 
board is used for invitations to " At Homes," 
dinner, receptions, dances, and all like so- 
cial functions for which the common visit- 
ing card is not used. The size used varies 
with the number of words in the invitation, 
and may be quite large, as for a club or so- 
ciety reception, or formal openings or special 
occasions where a business corporation is the 
host. These cards have the same plate margin 



106 The Etiquette of To-day 

as the wedding invitation, although it is much 
narrower. Only the most formal invitations 
have space left for the writing in of the name 
of the guest. 

The billet, however, has certain advantages, 
especially where the occasion is very formal 
and select, and the information which should 
be furnished the guest is considerable. Ele- 
gance of this sort is now very costly. 

Several styles of type are in use : namely, the 
script having close round letters, and being as 
nearly black as Roman or Old English when 
engraved; a script lighter and more cursive; 
an Old English lettering; a shaded Roman 
letter, which is constantly growing in popular- 
ity; shaded Caxton; solid and shaded French 
script; and a plain Roman block letter. 

The script is the type most commonly used, 
both because of its beauty and legibility, and 
because of the comparative inexpensiveness of 
engraving, the cost being about half of that of 
either the Old English or the shaded Roman 

type. 

It is obvious that the size of page in this book 
will not permit facsimile reproductions of 
specimens of invitations and other social forms, 
which in nearly every case require a different 
proportion of space than the page offers. 
Therefore, to reproduce the style of lettering 
used for these forms has not been attempted. 



Engraved Invitations 107 

The examples present correct wording and pro- 
portionate arrangement. 

The following plates, which are exact photo- 
graphs of steel and copper engraving, present 
several styles of script, Old English, and shaded 
and plain Roman faces, but do not represent 
more than a few sizes, and those the most com- 
mon. 




l 



108 The Etiquette of To-day 

A3STRT©TnHTC:E T UTTB MARRIAGE Of 

at Wmxtn. Ij^tuu&igltrtmm 
Mes.TttiMtam £osccH WUabc 

Mrs.William Howell Heaob 

Dining and Party Invitations 

The engraved card invitation for a luncheon 
is usually worded as follows: 

Mrs. Everetts S. Sinclair 
requests the pleasure of your company 
at Luncheon 
on Tuesday, February nineteenth 
at one o'clock 
Hotel Willard , 



Engraved Invitations 109 



The dinner invitation is identical, except 
that for " Luncheon " is substituted " Dinner/' 
and the hour is usually half after seven or 
eight o'clock. To this, or to any other dining 
invitation, may be added in the lower left-hand 
corner the words " Please reply," or, " The 
favor of a reply is requested." 

The party invitation may take either of the 
two following forms : 

Mrs. Harold Harmon Williams 
requests the pleasure of your company 
at a dancing party to be given 
at the Glendale Country Club 
Wednesday evening, December the twenty-ninth 
from eight until eleven o'clock 

Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Fairfield Watson 
request the pleasure of 

company at Ths Somerset Club 
on the evening of Friday the ninth of February 

from nine until one o'clock 
Dancing and Bridge 95 J ackson Boulevard 

The blank invitation is very convenient, as 
it may be sent out at short notice, and is definite 
and personal. The following is a form which 
lends itself to any one of the usual kinds of 
home entertainment : 



110 The Etiquette of To-day 



Mr. and Mrs. St. John Ambrose Lochwood 
request the pleasure of 

company at 

on 

at 

97 Washington Avenue 

When, on an engraved invitation of any sort, 
be it wedding or dinner or any other, a blank 
line or lines are left for the insertion of the 
name of the guest, there is danger that, unless 
this is done with great care and by an able pen- 
man, the beauty of the invitation be ruined, 
and therefore its cost thrown away. For that 
reason a wholly engraved invitation is perhaps 
better, unless the work of addressing them and 
inserting the name is to be done by a profes- 
sional penman. Of course, when this is done 
and well done, there is a personal touch, a sug- 
gestion of individual welcome, which can be 
gained in no other way, and which the wholly 
engraved invitation lacks. 

When an entertainment is given by a family 
at some place other than their home, the in- 
vitations have the name of the place and the 
street address put in at the usual place on the 
invitation, and then in the lower right-hand 
corner the words " Please reply," with the 
home address. 



Engraved Invitations 111 

A bachelor or widower uses his name alone 
at the top of the invitation. He will, of course, 
provide a chaperon, who in many respects 
takes the place of a hostess and so acts, but her 
name does not appear upon his invitation, un- 
less she be his sister or near relative. The in- 
vitation then becomes a joint one, after the 
usual form, 

A widower with daughters may send out in- 
vitations headed in either of the following 
forms i 

Mr. John Marquand 
Miss Marquand 
Miss Estelle Marquand 

or 

Mr. John Marquand 
The Misses Marquand 

For a dinner followed by a dance there are 
two invitations, the one a dinner invitation at 
an early hour for the favored few, the other a 
dancing party invitation at a later hour. 

Clubs have blanks which may be filled in by 
their members when they wish to entertain. 
These are issued in the club name, and are like 
any other private invitation, except that at the 
bottom and to the left " Compliments of " is 



112 The Etiquette of To-day 

engraved, and the name of the member who is 
special host is written in. 

Invitations containing the words " Bal 
Poudre " signify that the entertainment is a 
masquerade or fancy dress party, and the guests 
are expected to come in fancy costume with 
powdered hair. 

The word " ball" is used of an elaborate 
formal dance, usually a public one given by some 
club or for charity, and rarely of a private dance. 

In spite of the predominance of the engraved 
invitation for the most formal affairs, still small 
dinners, and even receptions and dancing 
parties, are sometimes announced by the hand- 
written invitations. The form should be the 
same as the engraved one, although to very in- 
timate friends it should be changed to a friendly 
note. 

Acceptances are in the form of the invitation. 
If that is an informal note, the acceptance or 
regret is sent in the same style. If the invita- 
tion is formal, the reply also should be written 
in the third person and be about as follows: 

Mr. and Mrs. Allston B. Sinclair 
accept with pleasure the hind invitation of 
Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Emanuel Farrington 

for dinner 
on Thursday, the ninth of December 
at half after eight o'clock, 



Engraved Invitations 113 



The reply to an invitation should be sent to 
the person or persons who issued it, never to 
any other member of the family, although such 
a one may be better known. 

To write the word " Regrets " on one's visit- 
ing card and send it in declination of any in- 
vitation is bad form, even if the invitation come 
in similar shape. One should always write a 
note of regret. 

Bachelors and widowers, who entertain at 
their apartments or studio or club, and army 
and navy officers never use the words " At 
Home/' but always " request the pleasure (or 
honour) of your presence.' ' 

If one is entertaining a guest and an invita- 
tion is received, one may with propriety ask the 
hostess for an invitation for one's guest, if the 
form of entertainment is so general as to make 
this right and reasonable; otherwise one must 
decline the invitation. It would not be right to 
ask for another dinner invitation, or one to a 
select group of people, where the guest would 
be an intruder. 

It is preferable and a much later form to use 
the words " Please reply," or " An early reply 
is requested," rather than the abbreviation 
" R. s. v. p." for " Repondez, sil vous plait/' 
meaning " Reply, if you please." 

If a son should return from college or other 
absence, and the parents wish to entertain for 



114 The Etiquette of To-day 



him, their invitations would have at the bottom 
the word " For " followed by his name. 

In sending out invitations, one should be 
sent to the father and mother jointly, one to 
each son separately, and one to the daughters 
jointly, the latter being addressed " The Misses 
Estabrook." 

Invitations should be sent to people in mourn- 
ing, although they are not expected to accept. 
They should not be slighted or forgotten during 
such a period. 

Wedding Invitations and Announcements 

The following are the usual forms of wording 
for the wedding invitation : 



Mr. and Mrs. Reinhard Ernst Ormond 
request the honour of your presence 
at the marriage of their daughter 
Eida 
to 

Dr. Otto Bertelli 
on Wednesday, the first of April 
nineteen hundred and thirteen 
at twelve o'clock 
Church of the Messiah 
St. Louis, Missouri 



Engraved Invitations 115 



Mr. Arnold Hamilton Forsyth 
requests the pleasure of your company 
at the marriage reception of his daughter 

Margaret 
and 

Mr. W alter Mallory 
on the evening of Wednesday, the twenty-ninth 

of June 

one thousand nine hundred and twelve 
from eight until ten o'clock 

17 Elm Hill Avenue 
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 

R. s. v. p. 



Dr. and Mrs. Maurice Howe Cavanaugh 
request the honour of 

presence at the marriage of their daughier 
Rebecca Falmouth 
to 

Mr. Charles Hunnewell Clark 
on Monday, the ninth of July 
at eight o'clock 
Church of the Redeemer 
Washington 



The usual form of marriage announcement is- 
as follows: 



116 The Etiquette of To-day 



Mr. and Mrs. William T. Kimball 
announce the marriage of their daughter 
Dorothy Lucinda 
to 

Mr. LeRoy L. Halloch 
on Wednesday, the first day of December 
one thousand nine hundred and twelve 
Chicago, Illinois 

Mr. Arthur Edmand Sawyer 
and 

Miss Emma Pauline Farrington 
announce their marriage 

on Sunday the sixteenth of July 
one thousand nine hundred and ten 
at Boston, Massachusetts 

The " At Home " card of the bridal couple, 
which goes with a wedding invitation, does not 
have the name of the couple upon it, but reads 
simply 

At Home 
after the first of November 
1219 Pennsylvania Avenue 
Washington 

When an "At Home " card is included in a 
wedding announcement, however, the name of 
the couple appears upon it, as follows: 



Engraved Invitations 117 



Mr. and Mrs. Albion Frederick Marston 

V 

Will be at home 768 Chapel Avenue 

after the first of August Toronto 

For the card of invitation to the wedding 
reception the wording is as follows : 

Reception 
immediately after the ceremony 
Eight Salem Street 

or 

Reception 
immediately after the ceremony 
in the church parlors 

In the case of a church wedding, it is always 
well to enclose with the invitation a small card 
reading: " Please present this card at the 
church on August the third." 

In case the wedding takes place in the coun- 
try and invitations are sent to many friends in 
the city, a card giving directions as to what 
train to take, and where, which is to be pre- 
sented to the conductor instead of a ticket, and 
which entitles the possessor to special accom- 
modations, is enclosed with the invitation. 

Wedding invitations, or announcements, and 
their accompanying cards, are enclosed in two 



118 The Etiquette of To-day 



envelopes, one within the other, of the same 
stock as the billets. Upon the outer is written 
the name of the person and his street address; 
upon the inner only the name of the one for 
whom it is intended. 

Wedding* invitations should be addressed to 
" Mrs. Chandler Jones,'' on the outside en- 
velope. Within this is a second envelope ad- 
dressed to " Mr. and Mrs. Chandler Jones." 
The older custom is to address the outside en- 
velope to " Mr. and Mrs. Chandler Jones," as 
well as the inside. The lady of the house is 
now, however, beginning to be looked upon as 
head of its social affairs, as her husband is of 
its business affairs, and hence the style of ad- 
dressing invitations to her. 

The words " And Family " are no longer 
used after the parents' names, but separate in- 
vitations are sent to the members. 

It is quite the courteous thing to include 
among the people invited to a wedding, espe- 
cially if it is to be in a church, the special busi- 
ness friends and associates of the bridegroom- 
elect, his father, and the bride's father. 

In case the invitations are for the ceremony 
only at a church wedding, the address of the 
bride's parents should be embossed upon the 
outside envelope. 

Acquaintances purely professional do not 
receive cards to a wedding. One's physician, 



Engraved Invitations 119 



however, if his family is prominent socially, 
may be included among the guests. 

Announcement cards should be quite ready 
to post immediately after the ceremony. They 
should be sent to all the circle of friends and 
acquaintances of both the bride's and the bride- 
groom's families, save to those who have been 
invited to the marriage or the wedding recep- 
tion. 

The announcement of an " At Home " or 
reception should always be made on a separate 
card, — not on a corner of the wedding invita- 
tion or announcement. 

An immediate reply is necessary when one is 
invited to a home wedding. If the wedding 
is a church wedding, and there is no reception 
following it, one makes no reply if one intends 
to be present, but sends one's card upon the 
date set, if one cannot attend. 

Various Announcement Cards 

In case of the postponement of a wedding or 
a dinner or reception because of some grave 
accident or illness, the cancellation of the in- 
vitations, or the announcement of the post- 
ponement, should be engraved and sent out at 
the earliest possible date. 

For a wedding it may read somewhat as fol- 
lows: 



12§ The Etiquette of To-day 



Mr. and Mrs. Maynard S. Taylor 
regret to announce 
that on account of serious illness in the family 
the marriage of their daughter 
Emmeline and Mr. Fosdick Arlington 
will be indefinitely postponed 

A family which has passed through a period 
of calamity and bereavement may wish to make 
some acknowledgment of the attentions of 
frieads, and may do so in some such form as 
follows : 

The brothers and sisters of 
Dr. Ralph J. HarMns 
gratefully acknowledge 
your kind expression of sympathy 

The special " At Home " card which is used 
for a reception in honor of a friend or guest 
may contain the name of the friend either on 
the first or the last line of the invitatioa, with 
the words " To meet " before it ; as : 

Mrs. Ernest L. Lafricain 
At Home 
Thursday, December twenty-third 

from four to six 
275 Grand Pre Avenue, Montreal 
To meet Mrs. Jackson Seymour Montgomery 



Engraved Invitations 121 



For a general reception the following form 
is good: 

Mr. and Mrs. Henry Illington Bray 

Mr. and Mrs. Harold Bray 
request the honor of your presence 
on New Year's Day 
/ram four until half after seven o'clock 
17 Ji- Albemarle Street 
Winnipeg 

The private engraved card for Christmas and 
New Year greetings, which may be sent to one's 
entire list of friends, is much in favor. Great 
distinction and individuality of design and 
selection of sentiment may be obtained by this 
means. The following is an appropriate form: 

" The glory breaks 
And Christmas comes once more " 

Mr. and Mrs. Nathaniel Clarke Sutherland 

cordially greet 



with every good wish of the Season 



CHAPTER VII 

BEHAVIOR IN PUBLIC 

The test of the depth of one's courtesy is 
found in one's attitude to strangers and the 
public at large. If one observes toward them 
the little courtesies, then one may be safely 
trusted to keep to the highest ideal of social 
intercourse in times of emergency and rigid 
testing. 

Always in a public place the real gentleman 
and lady will be unobtrusive, speaking quietly, 
and showing in their manner that they each 
believe himself and herself but a single unit 
in the world of humanity, and therefore not en- 
titled to monopolize attention. They will go 
about their business with none of that idle curi- 
osity which forms the street crowd. 

In places of public amusement, they will 
show true courtesy by not coming in late, — 
that is, by being on time or missing the per- 
formance. They will not rustle their programs 
needlessly. They will so dispose of their coats 
and wraps that others will not be inconve- 



Behavior in Public 123 

nienced by them, even if it takes them an extra 
ten minutes at the close of the evening to obtain 
them from the cloak room. 

They will not talk or whisper to each other 
during speaking or singing on the stage, or at 
any time when so doing will make it difficult 
for others to hear what is going on. They will 
applaud temperately, and with only that degree 
of fervor which is for the best interests of the 
audience and the actors as a whole. That is, 
at a concert they will not so applaud one artist 
as to break up the program. 

At formal business meetings they will take 
pains to conform to Parliamentary usage, which 
is really only the etiquette of debate, and will 
not insist upon rights which have been ruled 
out, or in word or manner express a disorderly 
spirit. " The greatest good of the largest num- 
ber " will be the rule of their deportment in 
public. 

At a social occasion of any sort, every one 
present is under obligation to do what he can 
to add to the general pleasure. If he cannot or 
will not, he should remain away. If he is asked 
to play a musical instrument or sing, he should 
do so without urging, for his talents, except in 
very special cases wherein he would not be 
asked, are or should be at the disposal of the 
company, or at the request of his hostess. Any 
voluntary or requested performance of this sort 



124 The Etiquette of To-day 



may be as brief as he pleases, and should be 
brief, unless, his talent is so great that there 
can be no possible doubt of its acceptability, and 
he is in a generous mood, — a combination of 
circumstances rare in any but the most talented 
circles. 

If you turn the pages of music for a musi- 
cian, do so in a quiet and self-forgetful manner. 
Interest in you is quite subordinate to interest 
in the performer. 

Do not by extravagant applause encourage 
parlor recitations, for mediocre talent is always 
profuse. 

It is a mark of good breeding to control or 
at least conceal one's moods, so that in company 
one always appears to be content, if not happy. 
It adds much to the happiness of others to 
give this impression, and is therefore generous 
as well as wise. 

It is always rude to interrupt with conversa- 
tion, or yawning, or any motion, a musical per- 
formance, or any entertainment whether public 
or private, in which those about one are inter- 
ested. One should retire if he cannot refrain. 

Behavior in church may be taught in one 
great principle, providing that principle is 
fundamental enough. The sense of reverence 
for the things of the spiritual life may be felt, 
if not comprehended, by even the child. No 
amount of " Don't's," if the spirit of worship 



Behavior in Public 125 



be not instilled, will avail to make the child of 
any age an attentive and reverent worshiper 
or even attendant at church. 

The sense of worship will forbid whispering 
and chatting with friends, the noisy turning 
of the leaves of hymn-book or Bible, or an 
indifferent or scornful attitude when any are in 
prayer. 

Another sign of the same reverence is the 
careful observance of punctuality at the service. 
A church service is, by its very nature, a more 
intimate and important service to the attendant 
than any other. Therefore, to come in late, 
thus distracting the attention of those who have 
gone to church for meditation or worship, is a 
far more flagrant offense against the rights 
of others, than is the disturbing of their pleas- 
ure at a theatre or a concert by a tardy entrance. 

The habit of a vacant or absent mind in com- 
pany is a grave fault, and works greatly to the 
detriment of one's reputation for intelligence, 
in spite of all else that one may do to establish 
it. 

Straightforward attentiveness is the attitude 
of most profit and enjoyment in society. One 
learns then what other people are thinking 
about, and becomes more and more active men- 
tally. Such an attitude establishes the con- 
fidence ef others in one's sincerity and intelli- 
gence. 



126 The Etiquette of To-day 



Inquisitiveness is fatal to real charm. No 
one cares to talk twice with a person who, no 
matter what his wit or ability to entertain, has 
betrayed one into divulging facts or making 
remarks which he regrets. 

Upon the street a gentleman always takes the 
outside of the walk, when with a lady, the cus- 
tom having come down from the days when 
dangers beset the path, and the man had to be 
at the point of vantage for the protection of the 
woman. 

When a married woman and an unmarried 
girl are walking together, the married woman 
takes the outside of the walk. 

In passing single file other people or some 
obstacle, the gentleman always steps back and 
allows the lady to precede him. If, however, 
the way is crowded or there is necessity that 
she should be protected, he goes first. 

In entering a hotel dining-room the lady al- 
ways goes first. 

A lady never takes a gentleman's arm unless 
she is blind, infirm, or crippled, or in a tur- 
bulent crowd. 

The considerate person will not enter even 
a public hotel late at night, much less a home, 
his own or any other, in a noisy, careless 
fashion. Those who are asleep deserve as great 
consideration as if they were awake, and more 
also. 



Behavior in Public 127 



The modern courtesy of letting each one pay 
for himself in a car, a train, a restaurant, or a 
theatre, is a much more rational one than the 
older form of permitting one to act as host, as 
if he were in his own house. A gentleman 
might offer to pay for others, if he wished to, 
but he should not insist upon paying; nor 
should any one carelessly or designedly permit 
his expenses to be paid by another, unless . he 
himself expects to offer equal hospitality at an- 
other time. 

In entering a carriage or automobile, one 
should step promptly, without either loitering 
or haste. If one is to sit facing the horses or 
the front of the automobile, and there is but one 
step to take, one puts the left foot on it. If 
there are two steps, the right foot should take 
the first, the left the second. If one is to face 
in the opposite direction from what the vehicle 
is going, one should use the right foot first in 
case of the one step, and the left foot first in 
case of the two. 

When two ladies who are guest and hostess 
are driving together, the guest should enter first, 
taking the farther seat, facing the front of the 
carriage, so that it will not be necessary for her 
hostess to pass her. When a mother and 
daughter enter a carriage, the mother precedes, 
and the daughter sits by her side if no other 
lady is present. In case of two daughters, the 



128 The Etiquette of To-day 



elder sits by the side of the mother, and the 
younger sits opposite. 

The fashionable hours for driving are from 
two-thirty to five in the winter, and from three 
to six-thirty in the summer. 

Young women never ride horseback in cities 
or in public parks without an escort. In the 
country the rule is not so rigidly enforced. In 
case a groom is the escort, he rides slightly be- 
hind, keeping watch that he may be of service. 

A riding-habit should be absolutely neat, 
simple, and inconspicuous. The hat should be 
plain, the hair compactly done, and the whole 
effect of the costume trim serviceableness and 
grace, rather than prettiness. 

In mounting a horse a woman gathers up her 
habit in her left hand, and stands close to the 
horse with her right hand on the pommel of the 
saddle. The man who assists her stoops and 
places his right hand with the palm up at a con- 
venient distance from the ground. The lady 
then puts her left foot into his hand, and 
springs up into the saddle with his assistance. 

It is necessary, first, to have a firm seat; 
secondly, a skillful hand on the rein. One 
should sit in the middle of the saddle, in an 
easy, natural position, with the body not stiff 
but supple and responsive to the motion of the 
horse. The elbows should be well in to the side, 
in a line with the shoulders, and the hands 



Behavior in Public 129 

should be relaxed and yet responsive to the 
slightest pull of the rein. 

It is no longer considered wise and necessary 
for a woman to use a side saddle. In the free- 
dom of a graceful divided skirt, she strides the 
saddle as do the men, and therefore has an equal 
chance with them to ride gracefully and safely, 
— a privilege which fashion long denied. 
• To keep to the right always is the only safe 
rule in the United States. In England and 
Canada the rule of keeping to the left is ob- 
served with the same rieiditv. 

In business life it is not oood form to dine 
with your employer. This does not include a 
ban upon those business dinners, where there 
is a group of people, the majority of them men. 
with one or two unmarried business women of 
equal or superior business standing, who meet 
over the dinner table to talk of business prob- 
lems. That occasion has its own etiquette, and 
one which the business man or woman readily 
fashions for himself or herself, and which fol- 
lows the rules of business expediency rather 
than social life. 

It is not necessary to recognize in society a 
strictly business acquaintance unless you wish 
to do so. 

Neatness demands that the traveler always 
carry his own toilet articles, and not depend 
upon the public supplies, which are 5 however, 



130 The Etiquette of To-day 



supposedly safe and sanitary for use in emer- 
gencies. 

The dress for traveling should be plain and 
simple, suited to the need rather than elaborate. 
The effect of crumpled finery is so very un- 
pleasant that no person of taste will make a 
display of it in a public conveyance. 

If you wish to leave your seat in a train, a 
coat or bag placed upon it is sufficient to reserve 
it for you. The removal of a coat or bag so 
placed is a very great rudeness. 

A gentleman will give up his seat to two 
ladies, or to a gentleman and lady traveling to- 
gether, as he can be more readily accommodated 
in the single seats than can they. 

It is courteous for a gentleman who has a 
vacant place in the seat with him to offer it to 
a lady who is standing, and so prevent her from 
feeling that she is intruding in taking it, if 
there are no other seats vacant. 

When a man opens a door for a woman who 
is a stranger, or offers her any other civility, or 
begs pardon for some blunder, he takes off his 
hat to her. 

While traveling alone, it is not necessary or 
wise to be resentful of polite remarks or atten- 
tions. They should be met with equal polite- 
ness. Quiet dignity and tact will terminate 
without offense any conversation which has 
grown too familiar or tedious. 



Behavior in Public 131 



The comfort of all in the car, not of one in- 
dividual, should be consulted in the opening of 
windows and doors, and the consent of those 
sitting near should be gained. 

It is a grave breach of good manners to 
monopolize a dressing-room for quite a period 
of time. One should be as expeditious as pos- 
sible, and should not seriously inconvenience 
others, even if he deprives himself of some of 
the comfort he desires. 

It is not well to travel unless you can afford 
it. If you can and do travel, deal courteously 
and generously with those who serve you. 

Ask questions only of officials of the road or 
the ship, or of policemen in the street. 

The exchange of visiting cards with strangers, 
unless under unusual circumstances, is unwise 
and bad form. 

Ordinarily a lady pays her fare herself, un- 
less she is under escort of a relative or intimate 
friend to whom she gives the right to pay for 
her. When she enters a car alone and there 
meets an acquaintance, she always pays her own 
fare, unless the acquaintance may be an old 
and intimate friend. 

When a lady is taking a long trip under escort 
of some gentleman friend, it is proper for her 
to reimburse him for his expenditures in her 
behalf. She should hand him her purse with 
which to purchase her ticket. 



132 The Etiquette of To-day 



The munching of nuts, fruit, or candy in a 
crowded public conveyance is a serious offense 
against those about you. A neat lunch, quietly 
eaten at an appropriate hour, is not offensive 
and is quite permissible. But one should not 
impose even the odor of food upon people who 
are forced to be near, and who may find it ex- 
tremely disagreeable. 

The recent passage and enforcement of laws 
regarding expectoration in public places is a 
great step in advance, and must be rigidly main- 
tained for the sake of the public health. The 
chewing of gum, while no menace to society, is 
as unesthetic and disgusting as expectoration, 
and should fall under as righteous if not as 
severe a ban. 

In a car or train do not fan yourself so 
vigorously that the person in front of you feels 
the air current upon the back of his neck. A 
book or newspaper should not be placed so that 
it rubs constantly against the hat of the person 
in the seat in front. 

Pushing, shoving, and all like methods of 
getting people to move out of your way, or of 
getting ahead of others, are marks of great rude- 
ness, and have a tendency to retard rather than 
aid one's progress through a crowd or into a 
car. The quiet, good-natured crowd disperses 
most rapidly. 

At the ferry and all prepayment places, have 



Behavior in Public 133 



the right change in hand, so that you do not 
keep back those who are in a rush to catch a 
boat or a car, by fumbling for your money or 
making the receiver make change. 

Do not carry an umbrella carelessly. You 
are as culpable if you injure another as an- 
other would be if he injured you. 

To converse in loud tones or talk of personal 
matters anywhere in public shows great lack of 
fine feeling and good breeding. 

^Never show hostility, nor permit people to 
quarrel with you. The irritability which 
crowded conditions aggravate makes it necessary 
to adhere, from principle, to the rule of strict 
good-will toward all. 

If you are escorting a woman, do not permit 
her to suffer any discomfort ; but if, by chance, 
she does, do not pick a quarrel with the person 
who caused it. Firmly but quietly afford her 
protection, but do not demand satisfaction for 
discomforts or insults for which there is no 
satisfaction and whose discussion onlv increases 

ml 

the offense. 

A lady need feel no embarrassment if she is 
obliged to spend a few days in a hotel alone. 
Upon entering she would go to the desk and 
make arrangements for a room. When the 
choice is made she surrenders her hand bag to 
the bell-boy, who conducts her to her room. She 
should, for her own convenience and protection, 



134 The Etiquette of To-day 

deposit valuables or large sums of money with 
the hotel proprietor in the office safe. Then the 
responsibility becomes his, but he does not as- 
sume it if they are left in the room. Upon leav- 
ing her room, she should lock her trunks and 
door, and leave the key with the clerk at the 
desk. 

A lady's deportment in a hotel is that of 
quiet reserve, but not of haughty distance. She 
should dress simply and plainly, so as not to 
attract attention, as she is in a public place. 
The only time when elegant dress is permissible 
at a hotel is when one is with an escort, or is 
one of a group of people so dressed in order to 
attend some function. 

A lady will not stand or linger in the halls 
of a hotel, will not loiter about the hotel office, 
or walk out alone upon the piazza or any con- 
spicuous place, or stand at the windows of 
the parlor. She will remember that she is in 
a public place, where she may encounter all 
classes of people, so she will not permit herself 
any of the liberties of a home. She will not go 
through the halls humming or singing, or take 
a book or newspaper from the public parlor and 
carry it off to her room, even if she does shortly 
return it. She will not, even in her own room, 
make such noise as will attract attention or dis- 
turb other guests. 

She will not call a cab herself, but will sum- 



Behavior in Public 



135 



mon a bell-boy and have him attend to it. After 
her baggage is packed she will let the servants 
attend to it, even to the handing her of her um- 
brella and hand bag after she is in the carriage. 
She will never take the liberty of chiding a 
servant, but will make a necessary complaint to 
the clerk at the desk. 

To open a window in the parlor of a hotel, 
when others are by and may be discomforted, 
is a breach of politeness. Also it is not right 
that even an accomplished musician or singer 
should use the piano of the hotel parlor, if 
others are in the room, unless he has received 
a unanimous invitation to do so. 

One may greet fellow guests in the parlor or 
the dining-room without being thought forward 
or intrusive, and also may respond to such 
greetings without compromise, as such ac- 
quaintance does not imply or demand recogni- 
tion elsewhere. 

A lady, when alone at a hotel dining table, 
will decide quickly what dishes she wishes, and 
order them distinctly but quietly. She will 
wait patiently to be served, without any display 
of embarrassment. It is allowable to read a 
newspaper while waiting for breakfast, but not 
good taste to bring books to the table at any 
time. If she desires a dish which she sees, 
but the name of which she does not know, 
she will not point to it, but will indicate 



136 The Etiquette of To-day 

it to the waiter by her glance and her descrip- 
tion. 

If she has friends or makes table acquaint- 
ances, she will talk with them in a low tone. 
She will never talk with some one at another 
table, nor laugh loudly. If any civility, such 
as the passing of food, is offered her by either 
a lady or a gentleman, she will express her 
thanks, but will not start a conversation. 

The usual good manners of cultivated people, 
emphasized by the additional restraint which 
the presence of the public imposes, is a safe 
standard of etiquette in a hotel. 



OHAPTEE VIII 



THE ART OF BEING A GUEST 

Just as the host and hostess, in sending out 
an invitation, obligate themselves to make 
everything as enjoyable as possible for their 
guest, so a guest, in accepting, obligates himself 
or herself to meet the efforts of the host and 
hostess at least halfway. Success in the art of 
being a guest depends more upon the spirit in 
which one accepts of entertainment than upon 
the entertainment offered. 

A formal dinner is one of the most solemn 
obligations of society. After having once ac- 
cepted the invitation, only death or mortal ill- 
ness is an excuse for not attending. 

One may attend a formal reception and not 
expend more than twenty minutes of time, if 
one wishes to be very prompt. The round of 
social duty there is brief. A lady removes her 
wrap, but not her hat or gloves, in the dressing- 
room, and thence goes directly to the drawing- 
room. The guest here greets the host and 
hostess, briefly if the reception is large and the 



138 The Etiquette of To-day 



flow of incoming guests constant, then passes to 
the room where the refreshments are served. 
After partaking of these, the guest may leave 
without bidding adieu to the hostess, unless the 
reception is small and she is free to speak a 
second time with her guests. 

If one is present at an afternoon tea or recep- 
tion, it is not always necessary to call after- 
wards; yet, many hostesses expect such a call 
if the affair has been formal. One should cer- 
tainly call after a tea given to introduce a 
debutante, or a wedding reception, or one given 
in honor of some special person or event. 

If a guest is not pleased with the food pro- 
vided at a luncheon or dinner, or for any 
special reason cannot eat of any one dish, he 
should try and satisfy himself with something 
else, and make no comment upon it, doing his 
utmost to prevent his hostess from thinking 
that she has not well provided for him. 

At a dancing party a young man should assist 
his hostess in seeing that all the young ladies 
have an equal chance to dance, and that none 
are obliged to sit out dances because of a dearth 
of partners. His obligation to his hostess and 
to society should be thus honored, as it is not, 
of course, a private affair for his own amuse- 
ment, and as upon him, more than upon the 
young women, depends its success. 

It is necessary that introductions be freely 



The Art of Being a Guest 139 



made at a dancing party, in order that all may 
enjoy the evening, and every one should try to 
make all his friends acquainted with each other. 

A young woman remains seated by the side 
of her chaperon until asked to dance. After a 
dance her partner returns with her to the 
chaperon. 

If the son of the hostess requests a dance of 
a young woman, she should give it unless her 
program is quite full. If for any reason she 
refuses a dance to one man, she should not 
give it to another, but should sit it out. A 
woman, having once promised a dance, should 
fulfill her promise unless too ill to do so, in 
which case she will dance no more during the 
evening. The young man who is thus refused 
is free, having returned with her to her 
chaperon, to seek another partner. 

Unless a young couple are engaged to each 
other, they should not dance together so often 
as to be conspicuous. Nor may they disappear 
into secluded corners and sit out dances. It is 
poor taste and very questionable etiquette, even 
if engaged. 

When asked to dance, a woman hands the 
man her program, saying, " I am not engaged 
for that dance, and will be pleased to give it to 
you." After the dance the man may thank the 
woman for it, and she may make some remark 
to express her pleasure in it. 



140 The Etiquette of To-day 



If a man is delayed in claiming a woman for 
the promised dance, lie should make profuse 
apologies. 

A man dances first with the woman he es- 
corts, or with the daughters of the hostess, or 
her guests in the house. Afterward he may 
choose for himself, always remembering that 
he should assist his hostess in giving a good 
time to all. 

A woman always makes the first move toward 
going home at every social gathering. At a 
dance it is not necessary to say good-night to 
the hostess unless there is a good opportunity. 

If a man is suddenly called away, he should 
try to find partners for the ladies with whom" 
he engaged dances, and should explain his leav- 
ing to them. 

It is not obligatory, but simply a pleasant 
custom, for a man to send flowers to the young 
woman whom he is going to escort to a dancing 
party. When she is his fiancee, it is especially 
appropriate and appreciated. 

When one is on a visit, or at a house or week- 
end party, one has to follow the style of dress 
of the people whom one is visiting, so no hard 
and fast rules can be laid down. One should 
have suitable garments for each of the forms of 
recreation which one is to enjoy, and should fol- 
low quite closely the requirements of the hour. 

When traveling, small, plain hats and tidily 



The Art of Being a Guest 141 



draped veils are necessary. For mountain 
visits, thicker clothing and heavier wraps will 
be in demand, than are used in the city. When 
it is the custom to dress for dinner, one should 
always adhere to it, and so plan one's hours 
that nothing interferes with so doing and being 
prompt as well. 

A guest should not claim the entire time of 
her hostess. The hours between breakfast and 
lunch belong to the hostess for the doing of her 
household and family duties, and the guest 
should entertain herself during them. 

~No guest should ever accept an invitation to 
an entertainment, a drive, or any other amuse- 
ment without first consulting with her hostess. 
If, having friends in the same city or town, she 
has invitations from them for special occasions, 
she should inform her hostess of them promptly, 
that two plans may not be made for the same 
date. 

Unless a guest is ill or very old and feeble, 
she never suggests retiring. That is the duty 
of the hostess. 

A guest should take pains to arrive when ex- 
pected. If she has promised a visit, she should 
keep her promise, unless matters of serious ill- 
ness or grave moment forbid it. in which case 
a prompt and explanatory apology is imperative. 

The guest should decide with her hostess, 
early in her stay, upon the date of her de- 



142 The Etiquette of To-day 

parture, if that has not been already settled in 
the form of the invitation, and should then 
abide rigidly by it, allowing nothing but the 
most earnest importunity on the part of her 
hostess personally, and for clearly shown and 
newly arising reasons, to detain her longer. 

The guest should be pleased and well enter- 
tained with everything that is done for her 
amusement, or should appear to be so. If she 
cannot give herself up to the enjoyment of the 
sort of entertainment which her host and hostess 
provide, she should not accept the invitation to 
visit them. 

The guest should be punctual at meals and 
conform in every particular to the ways of the 
household. She should not arrive in the living- 
room or drawing-room at hours when there will 
be none to entertain her, and when it would 
embarrass her hostess to know that she was un- 
attended. To sit up after the family has gone 
to bed, to lie in bed after the entire family have 
risen, to be late at meals, to be writing an im- 
portant letter or doing some mending when the 
carriage is at the door for a drive, or wish to 
go to drive when the carriage has been dis- 
missed, to be too tired to attend the dinner or 
reception, given in one's honor, to fail to keep 
appointments for the stroll or some sport be- 
cause one wants to do something else, — these 
things show a total lack of consideration on the 



The Art of Being a Guest 143 

part of the guest, and make it impossible to en- 
joy her stay or wish for her return. 

At times which seem appropriate it is well 
to retire to one's room and leave the family by 
themselves. It is not necessary for the family 
life and comfort to be sacrificed constantly to 
the guest. Hospitality would be more gener- 
ously shown if it did not make so many unneces- 
sary demands upon the time and comfort of the 
members of the family. 

The guest should never take sides in any 
family discussion, and if anything unpleasant 
occurs, she should ignore it entirely, and not 
seem to know anything about it or take any 
interest in it. 

It is an unpardonable breach of loyalty to 
one's hosts to retail any information one may 
have acquired on a visit, or discuss their charac- 
teristics and management with any one. 

A guest need not attend religious services, 
or be present at the calls of commonplace people, 
or enter into local philanthropies, unless he 
wishes to do so. True hospitality relieves him 
from all sense of obligation in these matters. 
If, however, carriages are provided so that 
guests may attend church, or guests are told 
of the hour for family worship and are invited 
to be present, it is more courteous to attend. 

Guests at country houses should be willing 
to take hold and help in any emergency, such 



144 The Etiquette of To-day 



as the absence or sickness of the servants, and 
should be willing to join heartily in the country 
frolics where work is usually to be shared by all. 

In the country people visit in large parties, 
so when one is invited to go on an excursion or 
with a crowd to visit some neighbor, one should 
not hesitate for fear of being one too many. 

One should follow the wish of the host or 
hostess in regard to giving the servants some 
gratuity for service rendered, if that wish is 
known; otherwise, unless there is an accepted 
rule to the contrary, it is well to give, when 
leaving, a small gift of money to such of the 
servants as have been especially helpful. One 
should always treat servants with consideration 
and kindness, if not with generosity. It is bet- 
ter to be less lavish with money and more pains- 
taking in remembering personally the people 
who have served you, renewing acquaintance 
with them if opportunity offers, treating them 
in a human way, and not with the indifference 
with which you would treat a mechanism. 

If a gift is given, it should be done unosten- 
tatiously. The tactful, quiet way of doing it. 
free from patronage, and showing only good- 
will and gratitude for service rendered, is the 
only polite way. Money never compensates 
for haughtiness and brusqueness, and the gentle- 
man or lady in spirit will not be unmindful of 
the feelings of even an incompetent servant. 



CHAPTER IX 



THE DUTIES OF HOST AND HOSTESS 

Hospitality is a great pleasure to people 
of a sociable nature, and its obligations have a 
most refining influence. The generous consid- 
eration of others reaches its acme when one is 
constantly entertaining little circles of friends, 
with no thought but to give happiness. 

The pleasant custom of serving tea each day 
at five o'clock is one which admits of great en- 
joyment. The man of the house tries to be at 
home for the quiet social hour before the family 
dinner. The young people of the family are 
gathering after the day's dispersion. The 
friends, who are out calling or on .their way 
home, drop in for a pleasant chat ; and the 
charming hostess has time for many glimpses 
of friends, and chance also to say the right 
word to some friend in need of cheer, who knew 
that she could be found at her daily hour of 
welcome. 

The custom of receiving on a certain day of 
the week is a sensible and hospitable one. If 
one has such an " At Home " day, it is more 



146 The Etiquette of To-day 

polite for friends to call on that day than on 
any other. If a lady has, however, sent out 
cards announcing that she is " At Home " on 
" Wednesdays in January and February/' one 
should not call on those days unless one has re- 
ceived the card having the special invitation. 

Some receive once a month during the season. 
They have the day engraved on their card, as 
" The first Friday until Lent/' or " The second 
Wednesday until April." 

The custom of sending out cards for a certain 
day throughout one month avoids a " crush " 
on any one day, and enables a hostess to receive 
informally without giving up a great part of 
her time. 

The informal entertainment is a greater 
compliment to guests than any formal enter- 
tainment, however splendid. 

The hostess should preserve the happy me- 
dium between neglecting and overattending to 
her guests. 

When a hostess wishes to have her friends 
meet an expected guest, she should inform them 
of the intended visit beforehand, and so enable 
them to make an engagement to meet her, or 
plan entertainment for her. Invitations to a 
reception in honor of a friend can well be, and 
should be, sent out in advance of her coming, 
if her stay is to be short, and if the dates of 
her stay are definitely known. 



Duties of Host and Hostess 147 

At a reception for the introduction of a 
friend, the hostess and the guest of honor will 
stand near the door of the drawing-room and 
receive. If the reception is very large, the but- 
ler announces the names of the guests as they 
enter. The hostess gives her hand to the new- 
comer, and presents her to the guest of honor. 
After a few words of greeting, the caller passes 
on into the room where the refreshments are 
served. 

The refreshments usually consist of dainty 
sandwiches, salads, perhaps creamed oysters or 
chicken, bouillon, chocolate, coffee, or lemonade. 

Afternoon teas are less formal and less elabo- 
rate than receptions. The refreshments consist 
of tea, with thin slices of bread and butter, thin 
biscuits, and cake. 

At a dancing party the hostess receives, to- 
gether with her daughters and any guests whom 
she honors by asking. The host may receive, as 
well, but his chief duty is to keep a watchful 
eye upon his guests, looking out for the chap- 
erons, and seeing that the young people are sup- 
plied with partners for the dances. 

At a debutante party the mother stands near- 
est the drawing-room door, the daughter next 
her, and the father beyond. The mother greets 
each guest and then introduces the daughter. 
At the supper or dinner her brother or father 
takes out the debutante, who sits at her father's 



148 The Etiquette of To-day 



left. In case her brother takes her out, her 
father takes out the oldest or most honored lady 
present. 

The successful host and hostess see to it that 
all their guests are introduced to each other, if 
this is possible, so that the best of cordiality 
and the least restraint may characterize their 
mingling. 

Breakfasts and Luncheons 

Breakfasts may be homelike, informal affairs, 
or quite ceremonious. The hour of this meal 
is at any time before one o'clock, usually twelve 
or twelve-thirtv. After one o'clock the affair 
becomes a luncheon. 

Men are invited to a breakfast, but usually 
at a luncheon the guests are all women. 

A real breakfast menu, such as is often served 
on Sunday mornings in the country, consists of 
fruit, cereal, a chop, or steak, or fishballs, with 
potatoes, eggs in some form, muffins or hot rolls, 
and coffee, waffles or hot cakes, or, in New Eng- 
land, doughnuts. 

The menu for luncheon consists usually of 
soup, fruit, lobster in cutlets or croquettes, with 
mushrooms, or omelet, or fish; broiled chicken, 
or lamb chops, with green peas and potatoes ; 
a salad, crackers and cheese; ice cream, with 
coffee, tea, or chocolate. 



Duties of Host and Hostess 149 



At a breakfast or luncheon, as at a dinner, 
every effort should be made to be punctual. 
The success of such an occasion may be ruined 
by a tardy guest. 

At a luncheon one removes wraps and veils 
in the dressing-room, retaining one's hat and 
gloves, the latter being removed at table, and re- 
sumed in the drawing-room after the meal, un- 
less cards are the form of entertainment. 

As the guests enter the drawing-room the 
hostess shakes hands with them and introduces 
them to one another before going to the dining- 
room. When no men are present the hostess 
leads the way to the dining-room, and the guests 
find their places at the table by the name cards. 
When men are present the procedure to the 
dining-room follows the custom at a formal 
dinner. 

It is becoming customary to use the daylight 
as much as possible at all social functions ; and, 
indeed, at no affair, unless it be very late in 
the afternoon and very ceremonious, is the 
daylight excluded and the candles and chande- 
liers lighted. 

The Formal Dinner 

The most enjoyable dinner is that with four 
or six guests, which is served in a simple and 
only semifornml way. This enables a hostess 



150 The Etiquette of To-day 

to bring together only congenial people, and the 
group is small enough for the talk to be largely 
general, and thence especially valuable, as each 
brings his wittiest stories, his clearest thoughts, 
and his best self to the appreciative and inspir- 
ing circle. 

The formal dinner is usually set for seven 
o'clock, or half after, or eight. The elaborate 
dinner will take from an hour to two hours, 
according to the number of courses and the 
efficiency of the service. There should be a 
waiter for every six people, although at a small 
dinner an efficient maid may serve eight covers 
without much delay. 

The invitations to a formal dinner are sent 
out two weeks ahead. No more people should 
be asked than can be comfortably seated and 
speedily served. Twenty inches at the very 
least should be allowed to each cover. Children 
are never present at a ceremonious dinner. 

In choosing guests every effort should be 
made to have them congenial, with no glaring 
divergence of opinions, which would by any 
means make any one uncomfortable if the con- 
versation were to become general. In seating 
the guests, only congenial people should be 
placed side by side. The intellectual harmony 
of a dinner is as important as the culinary har- 
mony.; 

Ladies wear gloves at a formal dinner, and 



Duties of Host and Hostess 151 

remove them only at table, resuming them when 
dinner is over and the guests have returned to 
the drawing-room. 

The dining-room must be quietly but well 
lighted. There should be no glaring lights, but 
a soft radiance which is so general as to make 
everything clear. An electric light hanging 
eighteen inches above the table, or a tall lamp 
whose light is at about the same height, either 
of them well shaded, are satisfactory additions 
to the candlelight. 

Sometimes high lights are dispensed with and 
only candles used. Candles should always be 
lighted three minutes before the dinner is an- 
nounced. For a dinner of not more than eight 
covers four candles are sufficient light. 

Relatives are not seated side by side, as the 
effort is to have a general mingling of the com- 
pany. A clever hostess will see that her guests 
at a small dinner party are all introduced to 
each other before thev enter the dining-room. 

The table may be round, oval, or rectangular, 
but if too narrow it cannot be made to look well. 

The tablecloth is always spread for a dinner. 
A thick pad of felt or double-faced cotton flan- 
nel should go under the tablecloth. The damask 
should be immaculate and of good quality. The 
tablecloth should hang almost to the floor at the 
corners. 

At each place there is a card on which the 



152 The Etiquette of To-day 

guest's name is written. These place cards 
often have the monogram of the hostess in the 
center and are otherwise blank, except for the 
name written on. 

The place cards at a dinner should be laid 
immediately before the plates of the guests or 
on the napkins, which are folded squarely, and 
of sufficient size to be of real usefulness. 

In setting the table, the spoons for soup, 
dessert, and coffee are arranged at the top of 
the plate ; the knives and forks, the latter of 
several sizes, are placed on either hand, in 
order of use, and the small plate for bread, 
olives, etc., is on the right. 

In eating, the oyster fork is the first used, 
and then one takes the next in order. Should 
one be in doubt, the rule is to glance at the 
hostess and adopt her method, whatever that 
may be. 

On elegant tables, each cover, or plate, is ac- 
companied by two large silver knives, a small 
silver knife, and fork for fish, a small fork for 
oysters on the half-shell, a large tablespoon for 
soup, and three large forks. The folded napkin 
is laid in the center, with a piece of bread in it. 
Fish should be eaten with silver knife and fork. 

A half-ladleful of soup is quite enough for 
each person, unless at a country dinner, where 
a full ladleful may be given without offense. 

Individual salts or salt cellars are now placed 



Duties of Host and Hostess 153 

at each plate, and. it is not improper to take salt 
with the tip of the knife in lieu of a spoon. 

The place plates stand under the oyster or 
soup plates and under any course when it is 
desirable to have them. Plates must be warmed 
or chilled according to the temperature of the 
food which is to be served in them. 

The indispensable courses of a dinner are 
soup, fish, roast, salad, and dessert. In arrang- 
ing her menu, however, each hostess will suit 
herself to her pocketbook and to what she con- 
siders good form in the amount and kind of 
food. 

The formal dinner should be served in a very 
leisurely style. 

At the daily family dinner as well as at 
formal dinners, all the ladies of the house and 
among the guests should be helped before any 
of the men are served, even if some distin- 
guished guest is among the latter. 

It is not necessary to wait until all are served 
before beginning to eat at a dinner, but wait 
until the hostess has commenced to eat. 

Butter is not served at a formal dinner, and 
bread is laid in the napkin beside the plate. 

There should be no urging of guests to eat. 
It is assumed that a guest is not afraid to eat 
as much as he wants. 

When the fruit napkin is brought in, the user 
takes it from the glass plate on which it is laid, 



154 The Etiquette of To-day 



and either places it at his right hand, or on his 
knees. The doily beneath the finger bowl is not 
meant for use, but should be laid on the table 
beside the finger bowl. 

After the dinner has been eaten, and dessert 
is reached, everything is cleared off but the 
tablecloth, which is now never removed. A 
dessert spoon is put before each guest, and a 
gold or silver spoon, a silver dessert spoon and 
fork, and often a queer little combination of 
fork and spoon called an ice spoon. For the 
after-dinner coffee a very small spoon is used. 

Coffee may be served in demi-tasse at the 
table, or later in the drawing-room. Cream is 
never served with a demi-tasse. 

The napkin should be left lying loosely be- 
side the plate after a meal. 

In case either a guest or a servant meets with 
any accident one should pass it over with as 
much speed as possible and turn the attention 
of all immediately toward some interesting mat- 
ter. A mistake should be completely ignored 
by both hosts and guests. 

Whenever a course is offered which you do not 
enjoy, never decline it, but accept it, and en- 
deavor to take a small portion at least of it. 
You avoid then the tacit criticism of the taste 
of those who like it, and put your hostess at 
ease. 

No personal preferences in foods are to be 



Duties of Host and Hostess 155 



consulted or mentioned when one is a guest at 
dinner. If one cannot accept of the fare offered, 
one should have declined the invitation. 

Should a guest be late, the hostess need not 
wait more than fifteen minutes for him, after 
which time, if he appear, the host rises from the 
table to greet him and cover the interruption 
of his entrance, but the hostess does not leave 
her place. If he does not come until after the 
second course, he is served only as the others are 
served, and no attempt is made to serve the pre- 
vious courses to him. 

When dinner is ready, the maid or butler ap- 
pears in the drawing-room door, catches the eye 
of the hostess, and announces quietly that din- 
ner is served. 

Upon the signal, the host gives his arm to the 
guest of honor, and they lead the way, the lady 
being seated at the right of her host. After 
them come the other couples as the hostess has 
planned. Each man has found upon the dress- 
ing-room table an envelope addressed to him, 
in which is the name of the lady whom he is 
expected to take out to dinner, and also in the 
corner " II " or " L " to indicate on which side 
of the table he and his lady are to sit. 

After all the others have passed out, the host- 
ess brings"up the rear with the gentleman guest 
of honor, who will sit at her right. 

Evening dress should always be worn. For 



156 The Etiquette of To-day 



a lady a gown with low neck and short sleeves 
or elbow sleeves ; for a gentleman, a dress coat 
and its accompanying trousers, vest, and tie of 
regulation cut and color. 

Arrival a few minutes before the hour is cus- 
tomary in order for the guests to assemble in 
the drawing-room, greet their host and each 
other, and proceed together to the table. 

When the meal is finished, the hostess catches 
the eye of the guest at her husband's right, 
smiles understandingly, and they immediately 
rise, and, followed by the rest of the ladies, 
leave the room, the men standing meanwhile. 
The men linger for a half-hour or so over their 
cigars and coffee, or liqueurs, before following 
the ladies into the drawing-room. 

In the United States it is more usual for the 
men and women to leave the dining-room to- 
gether, and the hostess to serve the coffee in the 
drawing-room, than it is for the men to linger 
by themselves at the table. 

After a dinner party one should bid good- 
night to the lady one has taken out to the table, 
to one's host and hostess. It is not ffood form 
to omit the latter, for she should be assured 
that you at least have enjoyed the evening, and 
that her effort at hospitality has been appre- 
ciated by you. It is not necessary to take a 
formal leave of the other guests. If you choose 
you may wish them a general good-night. 



Duties of Host and Hostess 157 

A ceremonious dinner begins with a tiny bit 
of caviare on a tinv bit of toast. 

Then comes the fruit. It may be melons, 
peaches, strawberries, or grape fruit. It must 
be in perfection, and should be on ice up to the 
moment of serving, and must tempt the eye as 
well as the palate. 

Next comes the course of oysters or clams on 
the half -shell, which should be served on 
crushed ice, on oyster plates made with hollows 
for the shells, and picked up with silver forks 
made for the purpose. Or they may be served 
more daintily without the ice, immediately 
after they have been taken from the cooler, and 
without delay. 

Then a clear soup. It may be served from 
a silver tureen by the hostess, or may ))^ brought 
iu soup plates to the guests by the waiter. 

Then fish. This may be served by the host 
or arranged in a dainty mince and served in 
shells to the separate guests. If served by the 
host, potatoes very daintily cooked may accom- 
pany it. 

Throughout the dinner olives, salted almonds, 
radishes, and similar relishes may be passed. 
These are the only articles of food on the table 
when the guests take their seats. 

After the fish there can be an entree or two 
of some delicate dish, but the roast properly 
comes next. It may be turkey, beef, mutton, 



158 The Etiquette of To-day 

or lamb. The host may carve it if he pleases, 
and the waiter receive portions from him and 
carry them to the guests. In many houses the 
lady of the house is served first, and next the 
guest of honor, who is the lady at the right of 
the host. With the roast some vegetables are 
served. 

Then comes a salad, and with the salad 
cheese and crackers are served. 

The dessert follows the salad, and black 
coffee concludes the repast. This last may be 
served at the dining table, or later in the draw- 
ing-room by the hostess. 

The dessert may consist of ices, fruit, pastry, 
or confections. Frequently there is a final 
course after the sweets, consisting of crackers 
and toasted cheese. 

Visits 

It is now considered quite proper for the 
host or hostess to specify the length of time 
covered by an invitation for a visit. The com- 
plication of duties in our present-day life makes 
the assignment of even pleasures to definite 
periods necessary. This is as important as the 
arrangement of trains and methods by which 
the guest may arrive and leave. 

The English manner of entertaining is a 
very excellent one, as it gives the guest his free- 



Duties of Host and Hostess 159 

dom and makes his visit of the utmost profit to 
himself and also to his host. The English host 
sets the time of arrival, has his servant meet 
the guest at the station with conveyance, has 
him met at the honse door again by a servant, 
and shown to his room, where he is made at 
home by being offered some light refreshments. 
He is told at what hour he w T ill be received by 
his host and hostess in the drawing-room, usu- 
ally a short time before dinner. Then through- 
out his stay he does not see his hostess till mid- 
day, although she provides amusement for her 
guests, which he is at liberty to enjoy or ignore 
as he chooses. 

After the noon meal he may do as he chooses 
through the afternoon, appearing only at din- 
ner, which is the formal meal of the day, and 
at the general gathering of the family and 
guests in the evening. The various members 
of the family are ready to show the visitors 
the place, or the countryside, or play their 
favorite games during the day ; but there is 
no effort to make the entertainment formal or 
to force it upon the guest. We do not wish to 
see even our most honored guests or our dearest 
friends all of the time, and this arrangement 
makes the meeting at dinner all the more en- 
joyed and valued. 

Before inviting guests it is necessary to see 
to the comfort which is represented in the 



160 The Etiquette of To-day 



guest chamber. This should be as dainty and 
comfortable as any chamber in the house, and, 
in addition to the usual furnishings, should have 
other fittings intended to supply all the com- 
forts of one's home. A full line of towels, toilet 
articles, and even night robe, bathrobe, and 
slippers should be readj^ for the use of the 
guest in the event that her trunk and suitcase 
do not arrive at the expected time. 

If the bed is fitted out with finery as well as 
with all the linen, blankets, and comfortables 
which a well-set-up bed requires, the care of 
the finery, its removal at night and folding up, 
should not be left to the guest. This should 
be attended to before bedtime by the maid, and 
the bed turned down ready for occupancy. 

There should, of course, be vacant bureau 
drawers and wardrobe. The guest, especially 
if her visit be for a short time, and she has not 
brought her workbox, will much appreciate a 
small workbasket fitted out with needles, thread, 
thimble, and scissors. A desk fitted with 
stationery, pens, and postage stamps adds 
much to the comfort of a guest chamber, for, 
no matter how brief the stay, facilities for 
writing to the distant home are needed 
promptly and constantly. 

The guest's comfort should be provided for 
before her entertainment or amusement, and 
she should be made to feel perfectly at home in 



Duties of Host and Hostess 161 



her room, and her possession of it be absolute 
for the time of her stay. 

It is a compliment to a guest to remember 
her favorite dishes, or to arrange things to suit 
her known tastes and preferences. 

It is the duty of the hostess to give the signal 
for retiring. This should be done with a fine 
regard for the desires of guests, rather than ac- 
cording to one's personal wishes. 

Special Duties of the Country Hostess 

The country hostess should make her enter- 
taining distinctive from that of the city. Every 
one should, at times, return to the country, for 
both physical and mental well-being. So when 
he is there, it is of great importance that he 
get country fare and country life, rather than 
make a fruitless attempt to live in the country 
as he does in the city. 

The country hostess should not attempt to 
entertain unless she can depend upon her serv- 
ants. Her relations with them should be such 
that there is no likelihood of having a houseful 
of guests and the servants thereupon suddenly 
weary of the quiet of the country, or for any 
other trivial reason promptly departing. The 
country hostess will, however, fit herself to 
meet any emergency which may arise, both on 
her own and her family's account, as well as on 
that of her guests. 



162 The Etiquette of To-day 

Therefore, housekeeping and entertaining 
should be simplified as much as possible, and 
the most unexpected of emergencies should be 
anticipated and provided for, as far as may be. 
Unless the country hostess is herself competent 
to cook and to tend the fires, she will never be 
safe in the sending out of invitations. For the 
same reason, other members of the family 
should be trained in helpfulness, so that an 
emergency will simply mean the adoption of 
emergency tactics previously agreed upon and 
practiced to the point of efficiency. 

The country hostess should remember that 
to her guests the charm and novelty of the fresh 
air and outdoor life are perhaps the greatest 
attractions of her home. So she should see to 
it that guests are left untrammeled, to go and 
wander where they may wish ; and also that 
the guest chambers and all other rooms are kept 
filled with fresh air even in the coldest of 
weather. 

Often the change to the invigorating country 
air makes the guest feel colder than the actual 
temperature of the room warrants. The hostess 
should remember this, and should provide that 
at all times the living-rooms and guest chambers 
be warmed as well as ventilated. The open fire- 
place is needed in addition to steam or furnace 
heat in an isolated country house. 

" Simple things need to be excellent." The 



Duties of Host and Hostess 163 

hostess should provide fresh fruit, chickens, 
eggs, vegetables, cream, and milk, the products 
of the country, rather than the elaborate dishes 
of the city. 

The hostess should enjoy the country and 
teach her guests to enjoy it. She should know 
the attractive walks and drives, the places of 
real interest, and she should be able to point 
out the picturesque spots, and the points of 
vantage for especially fine views, and to make 
others feel the charm of the country. 

The hostess should furnish outdoor occupa- 
tions, should interest her guests in making col- 
lections of curious plants from the woodlands, 
and in getting acquainted with the trees. There 
should be some popular sports provided even in 
midwinter, and all the necessities for the en- 
joyment of these should be furnished , as well 
as a library, games, and all sorts of indoor 
entertainment and pastimes for the possible 
days of storm which shall block all exit from 
the house. 

The serving of meals out of doors, if the 
season and weather permit, is a distinctive 
feature of country hospitality, and very enjoy- 
able to city dwellers. Breakfast and afternoon 
tea are especially easy to serve on the lawn or 
piazza, but more elaborate, meals may be so 
served if there are servants and facilities 
enough. Simple meals out of doors are prefer- 



164 The Etiquette of To-day 

able to more elaborate meals within. In order 
to do this en joy ably or successfully, it is neces- 
sary to have the piazza or garden somewhat se- 
cluded. A hedge, in the absence of other pro- 
tection from the curious, easily makes this 
possible. 

The informality possible in country enter- 
taining is its greatest charm. Neighbors should 
be encouraged to " drop in " at any hour, as 
the monotony of country life may thus be 
greatly relieved. 

The hostess who, in order to meet an emer- 
gency, is obliged to do much herself, should 
either simplify her plans of entertainment, so 
that she could carry them through without too 
great weariness to play her part as hostess by 
being with her guests, or should call upon them 
to assist her, and make it a companionable visit 
at any rate. 

Rural festivities are usually festivals of labor, 
in which all join first in the work and later in 
the play. One should endeavor to do one's part 
of the work cheerfully, and in the spirit of good 
comradeship, as well as share in the fun. 

One of the most enjoyable resources of the 
country hostess is the picnic. This idea may 
be varied to suit any circumstances and any 
surroundings. It may take the form of an 
athletic frolic for the young people, or of a 
reading party in some secluded and shady glen 



Duties of Host and Hostess 165 



ok. a hot day, if the company be intellectual, or 
various other forms. 

Public Functions 

Men and women of prominence are often 
called upon to act as special hosts and hostesses 
at public or semipublic functions, such as club 
dinners or luncheons, society receptions, school 
or college graduations, receptions given by the 
heads of business houses on anniversaries or at 
openings, civil or state receptions, charitable 
social affairs, and the like. 

As a rule, the etiquette and duties of such 
occasions do not vary greatly from those of the 
more private affairs, but usually greater formal- 
ity is observed, and there is less responsibility 
on the part of the public entertainers for the 
details of the service. 

At a club reception and luncheon, the presi- 
dent and chief officers of the club, with the 
guests of the day, stand in line and receive for 
a half -hour or more, in the parlors of the club. 
When all the guests, or the most of them, have 
assembled, the procession to the dining-room is 
headed by the president with the guest of great- 
est distinction, who is seated at his right. The 
other officers follow in order of rank, with the 
other guests in order of distinction. 

After dinner, when the last course is com- 



166 The Etiquette of To-day 



pleted and the debris removed, so that the tables 
present a neat appearance with their decora- 
tions intact, the president rises and raps for 
order. Then, after a few introductory remarks, 
he begins the program of the day. These pro- 
grams vary greatly, but usually include after- 
dinner speeches of the light and happy or only 
semiserious order, — unless the purpose for 
which all are gathered is of serious moment, — 
music both instrumental and vocal, by excel- 
lent performers, and the responses to the 
speeches, either by the president or by others of 
the officers who may be called upon for brief 
and pertinent remarks. A spirit of good-will 
and enthusiasm should characterize such a 
gathering, whatever the object of it. 

When one is appointed on the entertainment 
committee of a club, or of a city, or other body 
of people, for the holding of a congress of any 
sort, it is necessary to provide in minute detail 
for the entertainment of guests for a period 
covering the entire time of their stay. Such 
guests should be met at the depot or boat land- 
ing, should be given every assistance toward 
making them acquainted with the officers of the 
congress and club, and with the city, and every 
detail of provision for their comfort should be 
looked out for. Personal social claims upon 
their time should not be so made as to conflict 
with their real interest in coming, or with the 



Duties of Host and Hostess 167 



advantages they may have sought in the visit, 
for carrying out their personal plans. 

When one is a guest on such an occasion, he 
should remember that while his entertainment 
may have been official, his obligation for it is 
personal, and that he should personally thank 
his hosts and, in particular, his special host and 
hostess, as if he had been their only guest. No 
matter how absorbing the business of the con- 
gress or conference, no matter how strenuous his 
own official duties, his obligation socially is im- 
perative, and must be met. 

When one is a member of the graduating class 
of a school or college, or of any small group of 
people who, as a society, are entertaining, one 
should show the courtesy of host or hostess to 
every guest. This does not mean that one is 
responsible to every guest, to see that he or she 
is well entertained, but that, aside from his per- 
sonal responsibilities to his own guests, he 
should be, at all the public functions, in the atti- 
tude of host to any stranger to whom he may 
show even the slightest hospitality. 

As for his own guests, there are one or two 
points of special courtesy because of the nature 
of the entertainment. If he is inviting young 
women, or even only one, to whom he intends 
to give his whole, or a large part of his time, 
he must also invite her mother or chaperon. 
This rule is invariable for the high-school boy 



168 The Etiquette of To-daij 

graduate, for the graduate of the men's college, 
and for the man graduate of a co-educational 
university. 

In addition to the usual provision for ^guests, 
he must provide for their entertainment over- 
night or during their stay, if they be from the 
distance. He should, in addition, and early in 
their visit, acquaint them with the peculiarities 
of the local college customs. These customs are 
distinctive with each college, and their etiquette 
should be made clear to one who, though unused 
to them, is about to share them. 



CHAPTER X 



DUTIES OF THE CHAPERON 

The need of the chaperon is recognized in 
communities where there are large populations, 
and people are necessarily of many classes and 
unknown to one another. For this reason the 
system of chaperonage of the small communities 
of rural America has not been as elaborate or as 
strictly adhered to as that of the cities. 

The chaperon is the accepted guardian of 
very young girls, taking oversight of them in 
their social life as soon as the governess gives 
up her charge. The chaperon is only a poor 
substitute for the rightful care of a mother, or 
takes the place of a mother when the latter can- 
not be present, or performs in the person of one 
the duties of several mothers. 

Young girls should never go about the streets 
of a city or large town unaccompanied by an 
older person or a maid. This rule is not so 
much for physical protection as for the example 
of teaching her that fine conduct and discretion 
which will forestall the possibility of unpleasant 
experiences. 



170 The Etiquette of To-day 



When a group of young people go to some 
public place of amusement or instruction, an 
older person should always accompany them. 
Such an attendant, who should be one of the 
fathers or mothers of the young people, if pos- 
sible, would be in so great sympathy with the 
spirit of the group that his presence would im- 
pose no restraint and spoil no fun, yet it would 
be a curb on undue or undignified gaiety, and 
a protection against criticism. 

The day is not very far distant when it was 
expected that if a daughter entertained a young 
man in the drawing-room, her father or mother 
would be present during the whole of the call. 
For debutante daughters the custom still holds 
good. For a daughter who has been out in so- 
ciety for one or more seasons, it seems some- 
what rigorous and unnecessary, as the presence 
of the father or mother for a part of the call 
serves all the purposes of cordiality, and gives, 
as well, the young people a chance to talk with- 
out constraint of interests which seem perhaps 
foolish and trivial to any but young people. 
The wise father and mother or chaperon know 
when to trust young people, and when it is best 
to throw them quite upon their honor. It is 
only by having responsibility for their actions 
thrust thus upon them, that they ever attain to 
natural dignity and self-reliance. 

It is sometimes permitted to a young woman 



Duties of the Chaperon 171 



to be escorted to a party or entertainment alone 
by a young man, but only by one who is well- 
known to the family as quite, to be trusted, 
and only to such parties as are presided over by 
responsible patronesses. This should be excep- 
tional for any but the young woman who has 
been left without immediate family and who 
has been already in society more than one season. 
The duenna who acts as her natural guardian 
and chaperon, ordinarily accompanies her. 

It may be objected that there are large num- 
bers of young women who are of necessity unpro- 
tected by adequate chaperonage, — through loss 
of relatives, financial limitations, or the fol- 
lowing of some business calling or profession, — 
and that they are not, in general, treated with 
less respect than the young woman carefully 
guarded in her home. It yet remains true that 
the independent girl must needs provide for her- 
self a chaperon upon certain occasions, or lose 
that consideration which she would keep at all 
costs. A strong character welcomes the aid of 
a careful observance of conventions. 

Even the spinster of recognized professional 
standing finds herself somewhat restricted in 
social pleasures. She cannot go out socially with 
one man more than occasionally; she has little 
pleasure in going unattended ; she can entertain 
but infrequently and in a small way, if at all, 
and never without an older married woman 



172 



The Etiquette of To-day 



to assist her. She may, however, have her reg- 
ular afternoon or evening " At Home," provided 
she has with her this friend; and with that 
friend present, she may entertain a gentleman 
caller until ten o'clock in the evening, but 
she may not offer him cigarettes, nor any bev- 
erage but tea, coffee, chocolate, or lemonade. 

In fashionable life in the cities, the chaperon 
is an important and ever-present personage. 
Wherever the young debutante goes in society, 
— to every place of amusement, when walking 
or driving in the park, when shopping or call- 
ing, — and during her calling hours at home, 
the chaperon is her faithful and interested at- 
tendant. 

The common usage of smaller towns, sea- 
shore places, and country villages differs in 
degree of attendance. The only wise rule is 
to follow the custom of the place in which one 
may happen to be, remembering always that 
the principle at the basis of the custom is wise 
and valuable, and that there should be good and 
sufficient reason for failing to follow it in its 
entirety. It is, however, not the letter of the 
law but the spirit of it which saves. Experi- 
ence shows that not always the completely 
chaperoned girl is safe and the quite-free girl 
in real danger. Everything depends upon the 
girl, and the spirit of the chaperonage she re- 
ceives. The relations with one's chaperon should 



Duties of the Chaperon 173 



be the most intimate and reliable and trust- 
worthy of one's whole life ; or they may be a 
mere farce and evasion. As a rule, however, 
too strict observance of the dictates of society 
in this connection is better than too lax. 

The careless way in which many parents al- 
low their sons and daughters to go off with a 
group of boys and girls of their own age, un- 
attended by any adult, is to be deplored. 
Among the parents of several young people 
there certainly is some parent, who cares 
enough about his children and their associates 
to become a chum, and be at once a magnet to 
draw them to more mature and valuable ways 
of thinking, and a safeguard against that group 
folly towards which the irresponsibility of 
youth tends. 

Until a girl makes her debut in society, she 
is not seen at a party of adults except in her 
own home, and not there at a formal entertain- 
ment unless it be a birthday party, a marriage, 
or a christening. 

Even after an engagement is announced, the 
chaperon is still the attendant of the young 
couple in fashionable circles, when they go to 
any place of public amusement. 



CHAPTEK XI 

THE ETIQUETTE OF THE MAKEIAGE ENGAGEMENT 

It is a wise and courteous action on the part 
of a lover to consult with the parents of the 
young woman and win their consent to his pro- 
posals before he presents them to her. This , is 
largely a form in America, for the reason that 
in a well-ordered home the young man has not 
had much opportunity to pay attention to the 
daughter, unless the father and mother have 
considered him eligible for their daughter's 
friendship ; also, the daughter, rather than 
the parents, does the choosing, and few parents 
would have the temerity to refuse a young man, 
whom they had permitted to enter their home, 
a chance to try his fate. Should they have 
good cause for such refusal, they should have 
used their influence and authority to counter- 
act any favorable impression the young man 
may have made, before matters came to a crisis. 

The Proposal 

In matters of great moment, where the emo- 
tions are deeply stirred, the trivialities of eti- 
quette are at once superfluous and important. 



The Marriage Engagement 175 

One may be so greatly overwr ought as to do 
the unintentionally cruel and inconsiderate 
thing, unless habitual good breeding comes to 
the rescue, and steadies one by showing what is 
the conventional thing to do. 

No woman should permit a friendship to cul- 
minate in a proposal of marriage unless she is 
free to entertain such a proposal and has not 
decided in her own mind upon a negative an- 
swer. Of course, there are times when she re- 
ceives, without power to check it, an unwelcome 
proposal. Her refusal then should be very de- 
cisive but very considerate. She should ex- 
press regret at the situation, and her appre- 
ciation of the honor which has been done her, 
at the same time leaving no opportunity for 
future hope. In case she is already engaged, 
she should tell him so. 

If the proposal be written, it requires an im- 
mediate answer. Urgency of response is de- 
termined by the importance to the sender. 

The return of a letter unopened, even if the 
woman have good reason to think that it con- 
tains a proposal which she must refuse, is ex- 
tremely rude, 1 and should be done under no cir- 
cumstances but flagrant breach of confidence. 
If a letter is received by a woman from a man 
whom she has refused and whose persistency 
she has sought to end, she may place the letter 
in the hands of her parents, or guardians, or 



176 The Etiquette of To-day 



legal representatives, to be acted on as they 
think best. 

The manner of a proposal is the touchstone 
of character. No man and woman, having 
passed through this experience together, can 
fail to have obtained at least a glimpse of the 
depths or the shallows of each other's character. 

In a great majority of cases in America, at 
least, where access to the young woman is 
gained through a thousand social channels, the 
real declaration of love comes spontaneously, 
and is accepted or re jected before there is oppor- 
tunity even for the formal proposal. For by a 
thousand half-unconscious signs does that state 
of mind reveal itself. So it happens that when 
the opportunity offers to settle the matter, there 
is little doubt in the mind of the lover and little 
hesitation on the part of the woman. This is 
true in that society where really well-bred and 
noble-minded women hold sway, for no woman 
of character permits the man to be Ions: in doubt 
of her withdrawal of herself, when she sees he 
is attracted and yet knows that she cannot re- 
spond to his advances. 

The method of proposing is not a matter for 
a book on etiquette. It concerns, along with all 
major matters of morals, those deeper things of 
life, for which there is no instruction beyond 
the inculcation of high ideals. 

When the engagement is a fact and so ac- 



The Marriage Engagement 177 



knowledged in the home, it is not a wise or 
courteous thing for the engaged couple to mon- 
opolize each other. Consideration on the part 
of the family would see to it that they have 
some time to be alone together. Yet the lovers 
should be as careful to keep their place in the 
social life of the home as if there were no spe- 
cial attachment. For social exclusiveness shows 
an absorption in each other which, if selfishly 
indulged, will bring its own penalty. That a 
couple are engaged denotes expectation of a 
future when they will be thrown largely upon 
oaeh other's society; and, because it is essential 
for those who are to marry to become thor- / 
oughly acquainted, they should together mingle 
with other people, for so are the actual traits 
of character best brought out. This does not 
mean that they should avoid or neglect being 
alone together at times, but they should not 
obviously and selfishly absent themselves. 

The young woman should be formally cour- 
teous to her affianced husband, and should never 
slight him because he is pledged to her, nor un- 
duly exalt him for the same reason. She should 
now remember that the broad world of her 
social interests is narrowing as they intensify, 
and she should not attempt in any way to break 
the bounds set for the engaged girl. She should 
not go alone with other young men to places of 
amusement or entertainment. She shoulc 



178 The Etiquette of To-day 

maintain her dignity so carefully as an affi- 
anced wife, that her betrothed shall not have 
the slightest reason to be jealous of the atten- 
tion she gives to the men whom she meets in 
society. On the other hand she must not cater 
to the man she is to marry, to the extent of fail- 
] ing to do her social duty, or of making others 
feel that she has no interest in them. 

As members of the same social set, the en- 
gaged couple will naturally meet much in so- 
ciety. They should not meet with effusion, or 
sufficiently marked discrimination to make 
others about them embarrassed. They should 
not spend too much time with each other. Their 
hostess will send them out to dinner together, — 
which is in marked contrast to the custom later 
when they are married, for then they will al- 
ways be separated when in society. The young 
woman should be careful not to permit her 
fiance to take her away in a corner from other 
guests for a long time, and he should remember 
to do his social duty by other young ladies pres- 
ent, even if he wishes to devote himself to 
one. 

The task of meeting each other's friends, 
after the engagement is announced, is one which 
should be most interesting and enjoyable, and 
should have nothing of that embarrassment 
which comes from the sense of critical scrutiny. 
The great ordeal of winning each other is de- 



The Marriage Engagement 179 

cided, and the die cast. The smaller matter of 
establishing friendships on a mutual basis 
should be a pleasure and not an object of dread. 
Eeal affection and deep sincerity will make all 
prominent roughnesses smooth. 

An engaged couple are apt to be in the fore- 
ground of any social event which they may both 
grace with their presence. The common human 
interest of the unengaged, and the reminiscent 
interest of the married, tend to focus all eyes 
upon them. For this reason they will try and 
be as little conspicuous as may be. 

Announcement of Engagement 

The announcement of an engagement may be 
made in several ways, but always first by the 
family of the young woman. If a public news- 
paper announcement is desired, a notice similar 
to the following, signed with a name and ad- 
dress, must be sent to the society editor of the 
local paper or papers: 

" Mr. and Mrs. Howard Abbott announce 
the engagement of their daughter Ethel to Mr. 
Hayden B. Bradley, of Cleveland. The date 
of the wedding has not been fixed, but it will 
probably take place soon after Easter." 

Or it may read : " Miss Ethel Abbott an- 
nounces her engagement to Mr. Hayden B. 
Bradley," etc. 



180 The Etiquette of To-day 



If a less public announcement is desired, the 
young couple may each write personal notes to 
their friends. In these notes one or two after- 
noons are mentioned when the young woman 
with her mother will be " At Home." This 
gives an opportunity for the relatives and 
friends of the young man to meet his fiancee. 

The entertainment will be an informal after- 
noon tea, in which she and her mother receive, 
the former wearing a pretty but not too rich- 
looking gown with long or elbow sleeves. Sand- 
wiches, cakes, and tea should be served. 

If an engagement is to be for long, it would 
be well to have the announcement of it as quiet 
as possible, or not to announce it until the time 
for the wedding draws near, and, also, for the 
young people not to be seen very much together 
until its final stages. 

Immediately upon the announcement of an 
engagement, the mother of the man should at 
onee call upon the young woman and her 
mother, and invite them, or the entire family, 
to dinner. 

The family of the young man should be the 
first to make advances. The other members of 
the young man's family should call upon the 
young woman promptly, even if they have never 
met her before, or, if calling is impossible, they 
should write and express their approval and 
good wishes. According to the position of the 



The Marriage Engagement 181 

family, should the elaborateness of entertain- 
ment be. It is a nice custom, when the young 
lady lives in another city and has never met the 
family of her fiance, for them to invite her to 
come and visit them. 

The calls of his family upon her, and their 
letters to her, should be very promptly returned 
or answered. 

If the young woman live in the country, her 
father will invite the young man for a visit. 

Bridal " Showers " 

The bestowal of engagement presents has of 
late years taken on a wholesale aspect. Instead 
of the occasional receipt of a present from one 
or another of her friends and relatives, the 
bride-elect is often now the guest of honor at 
one or more parties called " showers," and the 
recipient of numerous gifts which are literally 
showered upon her. There are many kinds of 
" showers," as many as the ingenuity and finan- 
cial resources of friends may admit of. When, 
however, any one bride is to be made the object 
of a series of such attentions, it is well for the 
girl's friends who have the matter in hand to 
see to it that no one person is invited to more 
than one shower, or, if so invited, that it be at 
her own request and because she wishes to 
make several gifts to her friend. 



182 The Etiquette of To-day 



These affairs should be purely spontaneous 
and informal, and occasions of much fun and 
jollity. Nevertheless, there is danger of over- 
doing the idea, and making the recipient feel 
burdened rather than gratified by the zeal of 
her friends in her behalf. 

Effort should be made not to have the articles 
given at a " shower " duplicate each other. 
They should be some simple, useful gifts, which 
will be of immediate service, and need not be 
either expensive or especially durable, unless 
the giver so desires. A " shower " is usually 
given when a wedding is in prospect, and the 
necessity of stocking up the new home con- 
fronts the young home-makers. The aim is to 
take a kindly interest in the new home and help 
to fit it out, more in the way of suggestion than 
in any extravagant way, which would make the 
recipients feel embarrassed or indebted, or over- 
load them with semidesirable gifts. 

The " shower " is usually in the afternoon, 
and is joined in almost exclusively by the girl 
friends of the bride-elect, with perhaps a few 
of her older women friends and relatives. If, 
however, it comes in the evening, the men of the 
bridal party are usually also invited. The re- 
freshments are simple and the style of enter- 
tainment informal. The invitations to a 
" shower " are usually given by the hostess 
verbally, or she sends her cards by post with the 



The Marriage, Engagement 183 

words " Linen shower for Miss Hanley on 
Wednesday at four." 

There is a wide range of possible kinds of 
" showers," but the only rational way is to 
choose for a donation party of this sort only such 
objects as will be needed in quantity and variety, 
and in the choice of which one has not too strong 
and distinctive taste, as, for instance, the fol- 
lowing: Linen, towels, glass, books, fancy 
china, silver, spoons, aprons, etc. Of course, 
the furnishings of some one room, as the bath- 
room, laundry, or kitchen, might be the subject 
of a " shower," but usually a housewife would 
prefer to have what she wanted and nothing else 
for use in these places. 

The Broken Engagement 

When an engagement is broken the young 
woman should return to the young man all let- 
ters and presents, and may ask, by a brief, 
courteous, but dignified, note, for the return 
of her letters to him. It would not be neces- 
sary, ordinarily, to write such a note, as the 
man would take the sending back of his gifts 
as final, and to mean the return of hers also. 

In case the wedding is near, so that wedding 
presents have been received from friends, the 
no longer " bride-elect " should return them to 
the givers with an explanatory note. The note 



184 The Etiquette of To-day 



should mention nothing beyond the fact that the 
engagement has been broken. 

The mother of the young woman is the one 
to announce the breaking of the engagement. 
She quietly does so, by word of mouth or notes 
to friends. In case of a broken engagement, 
it is not delicate to allude to it, unless one is a 
very intimate friend, and then it is better to 
leave the first broaching of the subject to the 
one most concerned. 

It is customary for the privilege to be granted 
the woman of terminating an engagement with- 
out offering any explanation other than her will. 
Nevertheless, she will not use this privilege 
arbitrarily, without casting a shadow upon her 
reputation and character for faithfulness and 
integrity. A man is expected to make no expla- 
nation, even privately, as to the reason for the 
breaking of the engagement, as the release must 
at least appear to come from the woman. What- 
ever she chooses to say, or however unjust the 
remarks of friends seem, he is in honor bound to 
show great reserve, and not to cast any shadow 
upon her reputation, even if his own suffers 
instead. 

However, in many circles to-day it is enough 
to say that an engagement has been broken 
mutually, even though no reason is obvious. 
This should be so, for if too much comment 
attaches to the breaking of a marriage engage- 



The Marriage, Engagement 185 

ment, marriages will be entered into the almost 
certain outcome of which is the divorce court. 

A lady should never accept any but trivial 
gifts, such as flowers, a book, a piece of music, 
or a box of confectionery, from a gentleman 
who is not related to her. Even a marriage 
engagement does not make the acceptance of 
costly gifts wise. 

Preparation for a Wedding 

The preparation which the bridegroom makes 
for the new home, is, of course, by far the larger 
share of its establishment. He provides the 
home, furnishes it with everything but the 
linen, which the bride will bring, and the orna- 
mental decorations, including silver for the 
table, which the wedding guests may, in these 
days of lavish presents, be expected to furnish. 

Even if he does not choose to set up a house- 
home at once, the provision for the future is all 
his, and he has to bring to the wedding the 
wherewithal to make a home, whether it be in 
household furniture or only the certificates 
of wealth with which to provide for the bride. 
This is a matter of pride with even the poorest 
lover, — with all save that small class of men 
who, either from the most worldly of motives 
or, in the very opposite extreme, from motives 
so high that they will not permit personal pride 



186 The Etiquette of To-day 

to stand in the way of the real union of hearts, 
submit to the indignity of becoming pensioners 
rather than donors. 

Whatever the custom for the division of re- 
sponsibility in regard to the home and the 
future, in actual life, in every true home re- 
sponsibility is equal, and convenience alone de- 
crees what the bride and the bridegroom shall 
each contribute to the common hoard. 

The bridegroom also provides a part of the 
wedding, and although his share is minimized, 
yet it is often a costly and important part. He 
should provide the flowers which the bride and 
her attendants carry. The bride usually chooses 
her flowers, which are ordinarily white roses, 
lilies of the valley, or fragrant white flowers of 
her favorite kind. 

Besides providing the wedding ring, the 
bridegroom usually presents to the bride some 
gift. It is perhaps the deed of the house he 
has bought and furnished for her. Or it may 
be jewelry, or anything else that she desires and 
that he may have it in his power to bestow. 
The bride makes him no special gift other than 
her hand, as that is her supreme gift. 

The personal provision of the bridegroom 
1 sometimes consists of a new wardrobe through- 
out, besides his wedding suit. If he is wise he 
will wear his new suits somewhat before he ap- 
pears in them as newly married. His wedding 



The Marriage. Engagement 187 

suit will consist of evening dress, if he is to be 
married in the evening, complete with white 
gloves and tie, and boutonniere of the same 
flowers as the bride's bouquet. If married in 
the afternoon, or any time before six o'clock, 
he will wear a frock coat of black, white vest, 
gray trousers, and white tie and gloves. In case 
the wedding is in the evening and the bride is 
to wear her traveling dress, hat, and gloves, the 
bridegroom may wear the same suit as for an 
afternoon wedding, if he chooses. 

The custom of having a new wardrobe 
throughout is not necessarily followed, of course. 
It is through the bridegroom's consideration for 
the bride, and his appreciation of the house- 
wifely duties which she undertakes on his be- 
half, that he makes those as small as possible 
at first, knowing that the years will bring her 
her full share. 

The bride's wedding wardrobe is made a mat- 
ter of special moment, because it is for the last 
time that she is outfitted by her father. There- 
fore, he wishes to give her all that she needs for 
some time to come, that she may grow used to 
reliance upon her husband before he has to 
undertake the burden of her personal expenses 
in the matter of clothes. 

The outlay, however, is limited in quantity 
to the probable needs of the first season of mar- 
ried life, if the bride is wise, as there is no wis- 



188 The Etiquette of To-day 



dom in having more garments than can be worn 
to advantage before the style changes. 

No sensible woman will set a standard of ex- 
penditure too high for her future income, in 
what she buys for her wedding wardrobe. The 
only circumstances in which she should exceed 
the modest sum of her usual outlay, — beyond 
the fact that she needs more and special gar- 
ments for the different social occasions, and has 
a pride in having them as nice as possible, — 
are those in which she marries a man of much 
higher social station and much larger income 
than her own. In that case it may be well for 
her to put some of her savings for the future 
into the gowns which she knows will be neces- 
sary for her in her new station. 

The special gowns necessary for a bride are: 
Her wedding gown, — which is of pure white 
if a maiden, or pearl gray or some other delicate 
color if a widow, — the wedding veil, the 
traveling suit, a reception gown, a church suit, 
a somewhat elaborate visiting suit, a plain 
street suit, house dresses, a dainty wrapper, 
and a new outfitting of underclothing, in num- 
ber and quality to suit her usual custom, or as 
nice as she can afford. 

For the bride whose purse is not overfull the 
number of gowns and suits can be materially 
diminished ; the wedding gown, with some slight 
changes, such as the removal of the high collar 



The Marriage Engagement 189 

and long sleeves, can be used as an evening 
dress ; the traveling, church, and visiting suit 
may be one and the same ; the house dresses 
may be reduced to a minimum by frequent 
washing. That one cannot provide an elaborate 
wardrobe with which to begin married life 
should not be a barrier to a marriage which in 
every other respect appears to be auspicious. 

The bride's trousseau proper, or that store of 
linen which she provides for her new home, 
should consist of approximately the following: 

For every bed three pairs of sheets, three 
pairs of pillow cases, three bolster cases, one or 
two pairs of blankets, two counterpanes, and an 
extra quilt. 

For her bedrooms she should provide table, 
stand, and bureau covers, as the style of the 
furniture may suggest, and also such covers for 
couch pillows or armchairs as a thrifty house- 
wife would desire for the sake of cleanliness. 

For the bath-room there should be three dozen 
towels, a half-dozen bath towels. Towels for 
the maid should also be included. 

For the dining-room, four tablecloths and two 
dozen napkins for common use, with two finer 
tablecloths and two dozen napkins for special 
occasions, make ample provision for the average 
home. There should be doilies and tray cloths, 
covers for the sideboard, also mats and center- 
pieces for the table. 



190 The Etiquette of To-day 



For the kitchen, three dozen cloth towels for 
dishes, hand towels, cleaning cloths, holders, 
and every necessary sort of towel in abundance. 
With the increasing use of the paper towel, 
much of this provision for bath-room and 
kitchen may be dispensed with, as the paper 
towel is much neater and more economical. 

The wedding gown, which is of white satin 
or silk, and usually as rich and elegant as the 
bride can afford, is always cut high in the neck 
and with long sleeves, or, if elbow sleeves, they 
are supplemented by long gloves, which are not 
removed even at the wedding breakfast. The 
custom is to wear white exclusively from veil 
to shoes. Whether or not the veil is worn, a hat 
is never provided for this gown. 

• It is customary, in case a bride is married 
in her traveling suit, for her to wear the hat 
and gloves which go with it. At a home wed- 
ding, however, this rule is not usually adhered 
to, unless the couple leave at once. 

The bridal veil and orange blossoms are worn 
only at the first marriage of a woman, and usu- 
ally only with a gown made with a train. 

The bridegroom should acquaint himself with 
the rules and regulations in regard to the mar- 
riage license some weeks ahead of the date set 
for the wedding, if possible, as the rules vary 
in different states, and in some a period of 
residence or notification is necessary. 



The Marriage, Engagement 191 

A marriage certificate, furnishing easily 
available knowledge of the legality of the mar- 
riage and its date, is often of great convenience 
in the disposition of property, the probating of 
wills, and in the settlement of numerous ques- 
tions which might arise in minor matters. This 
should be provided before the ceremony, filled 
out and signed immediately after it by the 
officiating clergyman, and signed by several wit- 
nesses. 

The wedding ring is, by long established cus- 
tom, a plain gold band. It should be of the 
best gold, and the fashion now is for it to be 
moderately narrow and thin rather than wide 
and thick. The ring, the unbroken circle, is 
symbolic of eternity. The bridegroom gives it 
into the keeping of the best man, whose duty 
it is to hand it promptly to him at the proper 
moment of the ceremony. The initials and date 
are engraved upon the inner surface of the ring. 
When wider rings were worn some appropriate 
sentiment was also often engraved. 

Once placed upon the bride's finger, it is her 
pride to see that it is never removed. As Mrs. 
Sangster feelings says, " It is a badge of honor, 
and, worn on any woman's hand, a symbol of 
her right to belong to the ranks of worthy ma- 
trons." 

It is well to rehearse the movements of the 
bridal procession within a day or two of the 



192 The Etiquette of To-day 



ceremony, that there may be no flaw in the con- 
duct of the actors in this dramatic bit of real- 
ism. If it is to be a church wedding, more than 
one rehearsal may be required. In that case the 
organist should be present, as well as every 
member of the bridal party, except the clergy- 
man. The opening of the church for such re- 
hearsal is included in the fee which the sexton 
receives, which ranges from ten to fifty dollars. 

Usually refreshments, in the form of either 
a dinner or supper, follow the rehearsal, the 
bride entertaining at her home. 

If the Episcopal service is to be used, or any 
other service in which the bride and bridegroom 
kneel, cushions for their use should be provided. 
These are usuallv covered in white satin, with 
outer covers of very sheer lawn upon which the 
initials may be worked. 

The floral decorations of the church or home 
should be subordinated to the main interest; 
that is, they should not be too elaborate, take 
up too much room, or do other than furnish a 
fitting background for the bridal couple. The 
decorations usually follow some definite color 
scheme, although simply the white flowers with 
green foliage are appropriate and symbolic for a 
church wedding. A few palms, simple bou- 
quets of flowers arranged naturally and grace- 
fully, with foliage to contrast and fill the cor- 
ners, will decorate an altar or make a pleasant 



The Marriage, Engagement 193 

bower. When costliness rather than beauty is 
the effect of flowers, the display is vulgar. 

An awning should be stretched from the 
house or church door to the sidewalk, so that 
the guests and bridal party may not be sub- 
jected to the gaze of curious passers-by as they 
leave the carriages. An attendant should be 
stationed at the sidewalk to open the doors of 
the carriages, and to give to the coachmen and 
guests numbers by which their carriages may 
be speedily called. 

While the provision of the carriages belongs 
with all other things to the bride's family, the 
carriages for the bridegroom and his family 
are provided by them. 



CHAPTER XII 



THE CONDUCT OF A WEDDING 

In cities at present the most fashionable 
hour for the ceremony is " high noon," follow- 
ing the English custom, and in remembrance 
of the long-standing tradition which placed the 
wedding early in the day, before the night's 
fast had been broken. 

The afternoon is a suitable time, as it enables 
friends to gather more conveniently from the 
distance, and as the reception with refreshments 
is much more easily arranged for than is a 
breakfast. For an afternoon wedding, three 
o'clock is the proper hour in the winter, four 
o'clock in the summer. 

The evening was at one period the fashion^ 
able time, and it still retains its popularity and 
long will among the middle class of people and 
in the country, because a larger gathering of 
friends can be expected at that time, as all are 
free from business and household cares. 

The Church Wedding 

For the church wedding special arrangements 
must be made for the seating of the guests. A 



The Conduct of a Wedding 195 



certain number of pews in the center front of 
the church are reserved for the families and in- 
timate friends of the bride and bridegroom. 
The reservation is indicated by a broad white 
ribbon barrier across the aisle, or a garland of 
flowers. The family of the bride is seated on 
one side of the aisle, and that of the bridegroom 
on the other. 

The ushers should be at the church at least 
a half-hour before the guests begin to arrive. 
They wear small buttonhole bouquets of flowers 
like those used in the decorations of the church, 
which are sent them there by the florist. 

In seating the guests they should take great 
care to seat in the reserved space only those 
whose names are on the list given them as be- 
longing there. Therefore, they ask the name 
of each guest whom they do not know before 
assigning him his seat. Sometimes, however, 
each of these special guests is provided with a 
card which he gives to the usher. 

When a gentleman and lady enter the church 
together, the usher offers his right arm to the 
lady, and the gentleman follows them as they 
proceed down the aisle. When several ladies 
arrive together, the usher offers his arm to the 
eldest, and requests the others to follow as he 
conducts her to her seat. 

Each usher asks of each guest whether he is 
a friend of the bride or bridegroom, and seats 



196 The Etiquette of To-day 



him accordingly, upon the left of the church 
if a friend of the bride, upon the right if a 
friend of the groom. In case the bridegroom is 
from the distance, and therefore there are few 
of his friends present, this custom is not fol- 
lowed. 

Immediately before the bridal party appears, 
the mother of the bride is escorted by the head 
usher to a seat in the front pew. Any sisters or 
brothers of the bride who may not be in the 
bridal procession enter with their mother. 

Meanwhile the bridal party has been gather- 
ing, the bridesmaids going to the home of the 
bride and there receiving from her their bou- 
quets, which are the gift of the bridegroom. 
Thence they take carriages to the church, where 
they all arrive at the hour set for the ceremony. 
When the first carriage arrives, containing two 
of the bridesmaids, — as the carriage of the 
bride and her father is the last, — the head 
usher closes the inner vestibule door, and the 
other ushers see that all entrance at side doors 
is barred. When the bride arrives the outer 
street doors are closed, and the procession forms. 
Two of the ushers have already carried the 
broad white ribbon down the sides of the main 
aisle, thus shutting in the pews, and have taken 
down the ribbon barrier across it. 

The bridegroom and his best man have come 
in a carriage by themselves and entered the 



The Conduct of a Wedding 197 

church by the vestry door. They and the clergy- 
man await the notice of the bride's arrival. 

The organist, who has been playing appro- 
priate selections while the guests were assem- 
bling, begins on the wedding march as the doors 
to the church are thrown open in signal that all 
is in readiness. The audience rises. The 
clergyman takes his place, and the bridgegroom 
and best man enter, the former standing at the 
clergyman's left, the latter just behind the 
bridegroom, who is facing the aisle down which 
the bride will come. 

First come the ushers, two and two, keeping 
pace with the time of the music, which is a 
stately, dignified march. The bridesmaids fol- 
low, also two and two, with about six feet of 
space between each couple. The maid of honor 
alone, or the maid and matron of honor together, 
then come. The flower girl, or flower children 
follow, scattering flowers from a basket hung 
upon the left arm. 

Then come the bride and her father, or near- 
est male relative, she with downcast eyes and 
leaning upon his right arm. 

The procession divides as it reaches a spot 
opposite the place where the bride and bride- 
groom are to stand, or, in an Episcopal church, 
the top of the chancel steps ; half go to the 
right and half to the left. The bridesmaids 
stand between the ushers, all being grouped in 



198 The Etiquette of To-day 



a semicircle. The maid of honor stands at the 
left, in front of the bridesmaids and near the 
bride. 

The bridegroom advances to meet the bride, 
who leaves her father and takes the bride- 
groom's hand, then accepts his left arm and is 
escorted by him to a position in front of the 
clergyman. The couple kneel for a moment 
before the ceremony begins. 

At the place in the ceremony where the ques- 
tion is asked, " Who giveth this woman to be 
married to this man ? " the father, who has 
been standing a few feet back, advances and 
places the bride's right hand in that of the 
clergyman, who places it in the right hand of 
the bridegroom. The father then takes his seat 
in the front pew with his wife, whom, as they 
leave the church, he escorts. 

Should a widowed mother be the only one 
to respond to this inquiry, she simply rises 
from her seat and bows. In such a case the 
bridegroom usually enters with the bride, and 
the procession is less elaborate. 

When the troth is being plighted and the ring 
is about to be given, the best man hands it to 
the bridegroom, who passes it to the bride. She 
hands it to the clergyman, who returns it to the 
bridegroom. Then the latter places it upon the 
third finger of the bride's left hand. The sig- 
nificance of the passing of the ring is that i1 



The Conduct of a Wedding 199 



completes a circle, the symbol of eternity, of 
which the clergyman is one, thus symbolizing 
the sanction of the church. 

After the ceremony the clergyman congratu- 
lates the newly wedded couple, and the bride 
takes the right arm of her husband, walking 
thus down the aisle, the bridal party following 
in reverse order, the ushers therefore last. Even 
at a stately church ceremonial it has been known 
for the bride to stop and kiss her mother before 
passing down the aisle. 

The duties of the maid of honor during the 
service are to take from the bride her glove and 
bouquet as the clergyman asks the bride and 
bridegroom to join hands. Then it is her care 
to remove the veil from before the face of the 
bride when the ceremony is over, and to turn the 
train of her gown that it may fall rightly as 
she passes up the aisle. 

Occasionally when there are two main aisles 
to the church, the bridal procession enters on 
the one amid the friends of the bride, and re- 
turns on that amid the friends of the groom, to 
signify that the bride has now become one of 
them. 

The best man follows the clergyman to the 
vestry, hands him the fee, if the groom had not 
before done so, and passes down the side aisle 
to signal for the bridal carriage, and to give 
the bridegroom his hat and coat. He then goes 



200 The Etiquette of To-day 



to the bride's house, where he assists the ushers 
in introducing the guests to the pair. 

The organist starts up a very joyous march 
at the conclusion of the ceremony, and continues 
playing while the guests are dispersing. 

Following the bridal procession the families 
and intimate friends of the couple pass out be- 
fore the audience, as the ribbon barriers which 
reserve the aisle are not taken down until all 
have passed out. If the reception is at the 
home, this gives the bridal party time to enter 
the carriages ; if the reception is in the church 
parlors, it gives time for them to take their 
places in the receiving line. 

At the bride's home there is now time, before 
the guests arrive, for all of the bridal party to 
congratulate and felicitate the bride and bride- 
groom, and also to sign after them the register 
of the marriage, which is in the care of the best 
man. This is usually in the form of a book 
bound in white, with the initials of the bride 
and bridegroom embossed upon it, and oppor- 
tunity is usually given for the wedding guests 
to add their signatures also. 

The bride's mother, who is the real hostess of 
the occasion, stands near the entrance of the 
room in which the reception is held. In a re- 
ceiving line at the head of the room stand the 
bride and bridegroom with half of the brides- 
maids ranged on the bride's right and the other 



The Conduct of a Wedding 201 

half on the groom's left. The parents of the 
groom stand near and the father of the bride 
with them or with his wife, as host. The ushers 
present the guests to the bride and bridegroom, 
and then to their parents, as guests of honor. 
A few words of congratulation to the bride- 
groom and of best wishes to the bride are all 
that the few moments possible for each guest 
permit. The bride offers her hand to each 
guest, and presents to her husband her friends,, 
as he does his to her. 

The Home Wedding 

The home wedding may be made in every 
way quite as ideal as the church wedding, and 
is much more simple, its privacy appealing to 
many. The house will be decorated with flowers 
in good taste and not too great profusion. Usu- 
ally a canopy or bower of flowers and foliage 
is erected at the head of the drawing-room. 
This should not be too massive, as only a special 
grouping of the flowers is preferable to an 
arrangement which is too crowded or shaded. 

As the guests arrive the mother and sisters 
of the bride receive them. The father of the 
bride does not appear, nor, of course, does the 
bride, until they enter together. A room is 
placed at the disposal of the bridegroom, the 
best man, and the clergyman. 



202 The Etiquette of To-day 



At the stroke of the hour appointed, the 
clergyman enters and takes his stand facing the 
company. The bridegroom and best man also 
enter and stand at the left of the clergyman, the 
best man somewhat behind. As in a church 
wedding, the broad white ribbon is used to 
mark the aisle. If bouquets are attached to the 
ends of it, they will hold it in place. 

Then from the farthest corner of the room 
enters the bridal procession, formed as for a 
church wedding. 

At a simple house wedding there are often 
no attendants, the bride and bridegroom enter- 
ing the room together, the bride's father having 
taken his position near at hand, where he can 
readily respond at the right moment. 

Another way of forming the procession, 
which has all the advantages of the more elab- 
orate one, is for the best man to follow the 
ushers, then the one bridesmaid to enter im- 
mediately preceding the bride and bridegroom. 

Music is often dispensed with at a home 
wedding. 

When the ceremony is over the clergyman 
congratulates the couple and withdraws, and 
they, turning, face their friends, who then come 
to wish them happiness. 

Whether the wedding take place in the home 
or at the church, the bridal pageant has only 
one object in view, — it is wholly for the sake 



The Conduct of a Wedding 203 



of the bridegroom. Every woman desires to 
come to her husband in all the glory of her 
womanhood and of her social position. By all 
custom the bridegroom does not see his bride 
upon the wedding day until she approaches him' 
as he stands at the altar. So, with her family 
doing her the utmost honor that they can, she 
comes to him, bringing all that she has and is, I 
and placing herself and her future in his care. 
The coming is just as real, however, though the 
utmost simplicity prevail. 

Back of all the minute detail of wedding 
custom there is a symbolism. With the con- 
stant elevation of the standards of marriage, 
this symbolism and these customs grow purer 
and more in accord with the ideals. Just as it 
is always taken for granted that a marriage 
ceremony is uniting loving hearts, so little by 
little all that is at variance with that thought 
will drop away, as have already several minor 
details, and new forms and customs more in 
harmony with the new ideals take the place of 
the old. These changes, however, come very 
gradually, and should not be hastened, but 
should only keep pace with the new conceptions. 
Nevertheless, there should not be too tenacious 
a clinging to the old forms, which expressed 
lower conceptions, when the masterly thought 
of the day is forging out higher and purer 
ideals of marriage. 



204 The Etiquette of To-day 



The Wedding Breakfast 

The wedding breakfast is the name given to 
the refreshments which follow the noon wed- 
ding. It is usually given when there are but 
few relatives and intimate friends, because it is 
an expensive feast if large numbers are invited. 
It is really a dinner, served in courses, at 
numerous small tables, each with a complete 
dinner service. One large table, placed in the 
center of the room or elsewhere conspicuously, 
is reserved for the bridal party. 

The menu usually consists of " fruit, raw 
oysters, bouillon, fish or lobster in some fancy 
form, an entree, birds and salad, ices, cakes, 
bonbons, and coffee," according to one recog- 
nized authority. Or it may be much simpler, 
and include only oysters or bouillon, sandwiches 
and salad, ices, cakes, and coffee. 

Usually some punch is served in which to 
pledge the bride and bridegroom. If wine is 
used, champagne is customary for weddings. 

The caterer usually supplies all the necessi- 
ties for the wedding feast, even to china, linen, 
silver, candelabra, and flowers, should the 
bride's parents so wish. 

At the wedding reception, after the congratu- 
lations and greetings are over, and the break- 
fast is announced, the bride and bridegroom 



The Conduct of a Wedding 205 



lead the way to the dining-room. Then comes 
the bride's father with the groom's mother. 
The bridegroom's father follows with some 
member of the bride's family, then come the 
best man and the maid of honor. The ushers 
and bridesmaids pair off, and other members 
of the bridal party or of the two families fol- 
low in pairs. Lastly, as hostess of the occasion, 
comes the bride's mother, with the officiating 
clergyman, or the senior and highest in rank of 
the clergymen, if there be more than one, as 
guest of honor. 

The rest of the guests, who are not seated at 
the bridal table, find their seats as they choose, 
with friends, no place cards being used. 

For an afternoon or evening reception the 
refreshments are served as for any reception. 
A large table in the dining-room is decorated 
with flowers and piled with the edibles, which 
are served by the waiters to the guests as they 
enter. The variety of food depends wholly 
upon the resources of the bride's parents and 
the size and elaborateness of the wedding. 
Many prefer a simple repast as the hour is un- 
usual for a meal, and a dinner is not to be 
served. 

When the bride and bridegroom enter and 
are served, the best man proposes a toast to 
their health and happiness, and all present 
stand, glass in hand, and pledge them. 



206 The Etiquette of To-day 



At a wedding breakfast the English custom | 
is to have toasts and speeches, but it is not f oi- ' 
lowed largely in this country. Where it is, 
usually at a small wedding party, the father 
of the bridegroom or the best man proposes the 
health of the bride and bridegroom. The 
father of the bride responds. Sometimes the 
bridegroom is called on to respond to this toast, 
which he does, proposing in turn the health of 
the bridesmaids. To this the best man re- 
sponds. 

The wedding cake is a rich dark fruit cake, 
which is at its best only when made months in 
advance and kept in a stone crock well covered. 
This is finely frosted and ornamented. 

At the close of the wedding breakfast the 
wedding cake is set before the bride, who cuts 
the first slice from it. It is then passed to the 
others. 

At a large wedding, where no breakfast is 
served, the wedding cake is usually cut into 
small pieces and placed in white boxes, which 
are decorated with the initials of the bride and 
bridegroom and are tied with white ribbon. 
These are placed upon a table in the hall near 
the door and the guests either each take one as 
he leaves, or one is handed him by a servant. 

Sometimes a part of the wedding cake is put 
away in a tin box and sealed, to be opened by 
the couple on some future anniversary. 



The Conduct of a Wedding 207 

The wedding cake is distinct from the bride's 
cake, which may be served by the latter at a 
dinner to her bridesmaids a day or more before 
the wedding, and in which a thimble, a coin, 
and a ring are hidden. The superstition is 
that the young women who by chance receive 
the slices containing these are respectively des- 
tined for a future of single blessedness, wealth, 
or domestic bliss. 

At a reception the larger number of the 
guests depart before the bridal couple go to the 
dining-room. As soon as refreshments are 
served them, and the toast to them has been 
drunk, they retire to don suits for traveling. 
The bridegroom waits for the bride at the 
foot of the staircase, and the bridesmaids gather 
there too, as when she comes, she throws her 
bridal bouquet among them, and the bridesmaid 
who catches it will be the next bride, according 
to an old superstition. 

As the outer door is opened to let the couple 
out, all the friends and relatives present throw 
flowers or confetti or rice after them, for good 
luck, and an old white slipper is thrown after 
the carriage as they drive off. The custom of 
thus showering the departing couple has been 
sometimes carried to such an extreme that many 
refrain from it. Eice is somewhat dangerous, 
and confetti is so distinctive as frequently to 
cause embarrassment when in a public train or 



208 The Etiquette of To-day 



station. Flowers may appropriately be used, 
and are always at hand in the decorations of 
the home. 

The Wedding J ourney 

The wedding journey is the bride and bride- 
groom's affair, and the knowledge of it is kept 
their secret and divulged only to the best man, 
who probably helps arrange for it, and to the 
father and mother of the bride, and they all are 
silent about it. The intrusion of even intimate 
friends upon such a trip is not considered good 
form. 

The custom of taking a journey at this time 
is not so rigidly observed as it used to be, many 
young couples preferring to go direct to their 
new home, or to a quiet country house for the 
honeymoon. 

The real wishes of the couple should be fol- 
lowed out at this time, because they are now 
more free from social obligations than they will 
be later, and a wise start upon married life is 
of all things most desirable and necessary. 

Wedding Fee 

The fee should be placed in an envelope or 
purse, and given to the clergyman by the best 
man or some friend of the bridegroom, just be- 



The Conduct of a Wedding 209 

fore or just after the ceremony, as may be most 
convenient. It is sometimes handed to the 
clergyman by the bridegroom at the close of the 
ceremony and before the couple turn away from 
the altar. It should be always given quietly, 
privately, and with no display or comment. 

The clergyman does not examine the fee or 
comment upon it, other than indicating his ac- 
ceptance. 

The size of the fee is a matter of individual 
taste. Because it is unostentatiously given, its 
size is known only to the bridegroom and the 
clergyman, and to none others unless they wish 
to tell. There are some people in fashionable 
circles who employ a minister only at marriages 
and funerals, and who labor under the impres- 
sion that they are objects of charity and that by 
them even the small favor is always thankfully 
received. No one thing so denotes the degree 
of real refinement in a man as the fee he offers 
the clergyman for marrying him. The clergy- 
man is one of the three principals in the mar- 
riage ceremony. The great majority of brides 
desire that their marriage should have the sanc- 
tion and benediction of the religious body with 
which they worship, or which has standing in 
their community and among their people. At 
the very least, in the civil marriage, without a 
third party to represent either church or state 
a marriage ceremony and therefore a legalized 



> 



210 The Etiquette of To-day 

marriage is impossible. The third principal is 
therefore an important part of the affair. To 
treat him shabbily in any way denotes no real 
appreciation of his presence. So it is that the 
true gentleman is as willing to give a handsome 
fee to him, if his means permit it, as he is to 
give to his bride something which shall delight 
and please her, and which shall symbolize his 
appreciation of the gift of herself. The bride- 
groom's offering to the clergyman is indeed the 
touchstone of his refinement. Wedding fees 
vary from five to a thousand dollars, the usual 
amount being twenty-five dollars for the fairly 
afHuent. 

Wedding Presents 

So extreme has become the custom of send- 
ing wedding presents that it is perhaps neces- 
sary to remind those who really desire to do the 
correct thing, that a perfunctory service, or gift, 
or courtesy has no intrinsic value, and the omis- 
sion of it would often be far more satisfactory 
than its bestowal. 

The usual form of wedding gift is something 
of use and ornament for the new house. Silver, 
linen, cut glass, or china for the dining-room, 
furniture, rugs, lamps, clocks, vases, books, and 
pictures, or bric-a-brac for the rest of the house, 
are all appropriate. 



The Conduct of a Wedding 211 

If silver is given, it should not be marked, 
as the bride may have duplicates and prefer to 
exchange some pieces for others, or as she may 
have a special form of engraving which she pre- 
fers. The exchange of a gift, however, removes 
from it the personal thought of the giver, and 
makes its acceptance more a matter of mer- 
cenary than of friendly interest. If, however, 
such exchange is made at the suggestion or with 
the approval of the giver, it still remains a per- 
sonal gift. The indefinite way in which many 
people choose wedding gifts for their friends, 
following only the conventional ideas of what 
is suitable, has taken a great deal of personal 
interest from the gift at the very first. 

The wedding gift should be a real gift in 
spirit, something expressive of the givers good 
wishes, and something which the bride and 
bridegroom can enjoy and appreciate for its 
worth to them. Foolish things, whether ex- 
pensive or not, have no real utility or beauty, 
and have always the atmosphere of insult about 
them, or else always reflect upon the intelligence 
of the giver. 

A bride should acknowledge all gifts as soon 
as they are received, and before her wedding 
day if possible. Spontaneous rather than stere- 
otyped notes of thanks are preferable. They 
should show appreciation of the gift, and in- 
clude the name of the bridegroom-elect in her 



212 The Etiquette of To-day 



expression of their gratitude. A bride should 
remember that too elaborate notes, which are a 
grave tax on her strength or time in the busy 
days preceding a wedding, are unwise, as is any 
other unnecessary expenditure of energy. 

It is never obligatory to send a wedding 
present. The wedding announcement and wed- 
ding invitation are equally suggestive of such 
gifts, for in either case, whether one is invited 
to the ceremony or not, one is perfectly free to 
do as he pleases about conferring a gift. 

The Country Wedding 

There is an especial attractiveness and sim- 
plicity about the out-door wedding in the coun- 
try, for those who desire to get rid of the con- 
ventional and artificial. Such a wedding is, of 
course, a day wedding. The late afternoon 
might be chosen, but the twilight never. The 
weather must be warm. 

A secluded corner in the garden, the shade 
of some stately tree on the lawn, or the flowery 
seclusion of some orchard tree make attractive 
chancels for the ceremony. 

The grass should be cut close, and all leaves 
and debris swept away. 

Somewhat removed from the place of the 
ceremony, but still on the lawn or piazza, small 
tables and chairs may be placed in groups, and 
refreshments served out of doors also. 



The Conduct of a Wedding 213 



The simplicity and homelike yet solemn at- 
mosphere of a wedding in a country church 
appeal to many. There much of the formality 
of a city church wedding may be dispensed with, 
and yet the whole of the religious spirit, which 
should attend a church wedding, and indeed 
any wedding, be retained. The country church 
lends itself more aptly to those private weddings 
where the bridal party, whether small or large, 
are the only spectators, than does the large city 
church. The sense of exclusiveness is preserved 
without the great sense of bareness and empti- 
ness. 

To many the private church wedding appeals 
with great force. The religious and sacra- 
mental nature of the ceremony is emphasized, 
without the pomp and display of the public 
service. Such a wedding usually takes place in 
the daytime rather than in the evening. 



CHAPTEE XIII 



ETIQUETTE FOR CHILDREN 

One may be taught self-restraint and unself- 
ish consideration for others at so early an age 
that such virtues become habitual, and minor 
maxims are to a large extent unnecessary. Of 
course, the child will still have to be shown the 
various ways in which he can show considera- 
tion, but he will quite frequently do of himself 
those acts which make for the comfort and well- 
being of others. 

Habits of deference to elders spring from 
more complex motives, and the training in them 
may have to be more persistent and rigorous. 
Boys should be taught to take off their caps to 
their elders, both in the family and in the cir- 
cle of friends, when they meet them on the street. 
They should rise when ladies enter the room, 
and remain standing until all are seated. 

An important part in a child's bringing up 
is to teach him to put away his own garments 
and to clear up after his play or work. If this 
is instilled early into the child, there will never 



Etiquette for Children 215 

be any need of the pain of counteracting sloven- 
liness, and also never any of that disagreeable 
haughtiness toward servants, which is fostered 
by nothing so much as by the inch-by-inch wait- 
ing upon a child. 

The child who has been made a companion 
of, and not repressed or driven away by the 
older people of the family, has a sort of in- 
stinctive respect for them, which, though it 
may overstep itself in some daring familiarity 
occasionally, is the basis of a strong authority 
over him. The child who has been spied on, 
and whose idea of all adults is that they are a 
sort of modified policemen, will show respect 
only under compulsion, and will fail in all 
those fine courtesies which the thoroughly well- 
bred child grows to delight in. 

Self-control and self-repression are equal vir- 
tues to be cultivated in the child. To permit 
the child to be indifferent and inattentive when 
one is trying to amuse or entertain, to be im- 
patient to get at the end of a story or a game, 
to keep yawning or making other expressions 
of weariness when being reproved or repri- 
manded, cultivates in the child a mental lazi- 
ness which is as bad as its opposite, — parrot- 
like facility for chattering and asking questions, 
which gives a child no chance to think, and 
makes him develop into a man of only surface 
intelligence and thoughtless flippancy. Even 



216 The Etiquette of To-day 



a child can appreciate, if rightly taught, the 
motive back of a kind action, and can respect 
that even if the action does not interest him. 

On the other hand, it is a serious matter to 
allow a child to be constantly bored with lectures 
on his conduct, or even with efforts to amuse 
him. He should be let alone, thrown upon his 
own resources, and not permitted to be taxed 
beyond adult endurance by well-meaning but 
futile efforts on his behalf. 

Children should never be allowed to inter- 
rupt. For that reason parents, and those who 
have the care of children, should remember not 
to monopolize the conversation when there are 
children present, nor talk on and on for a long 
time, as no person, least of all a child, can fol- 
low such continuous talk without weariness. 

Children should be taught that thinking will 
answer most of their questions for them, that 
they should wait and see if the answer will not 
be given by something that is said later on. 
Every effort made to drive the thought of a 
loquacious child back upon itself is an effort in 
the right direction ; just as every effort mad^ 
to express and reveal the thought of an imagina- 
tive child is much to the latter's benefit. 

The sayings of a child should never be quoted 
in his presence, nor his doings related. He 
becomes hopelessly self-conscious thereby. 

A child should be taught to respect the rights 



Etiquette for Children 217 



of the father and mother to the easiest chairs in 
the room, or those which they may prefer, and 
should leave those chairs vacant until the father 
and mother are seated elsewhere. 

The boy who has been brought up at home, 
both by precept and by his father's example, 
never to seat himself at the dining table or in 
the family sitting-room until his mother is 
seated, will not need to be told that he should 
rise in a crowded street car and give his seat 
to an elderly woman. He will do it so in- 
stinctively that it will not be a burden, — in- 
deed, the regret would be more keen if he could 
not do it. 

If children are present at the dining table, 
it is wiser to help them first, and the grown 
people last, than the reverse. In everything it 
is well to follow the etiquette of adult life, as, 
for instance, by helping the girls before the 
boys. 

Children should be taught to be punctual at 
meals, not simply for the sake of health, but out 
of consideration for the cook and for those who 
might otherwise be obliged to wait for them. 
They should not be allowed to hurry through a 
meal because of their impatience to get at play, 
although they may be wisely excused when they 
are quite through. There is no value in making 
them the bored, squirming, or subdued listeners 
to conversation .quite beyond their comprehen- 



218 The Etiquette of To-day 



sion or interest. They should be taught to eat 
leisurely, and to regard the mealtime as a chance 
to talk with their parents about interesting 
things, and not simply as a time to be shortened 
and slighted if possible. 

Usually the child's first rigid lesson in punc- 
tuality comes at the beginning of school life. 
Then, most profitably, may be cultivated a sense 
of the rights of others, and of his' individual 
responsibility toward the social group, repre- 
sented for him by his teacher and schoolmates. 
If the emphasis is rightly laid upon the neces- 
sity of his not delaying the work of his class- 
mates and teacher, he will naturally find many 
ways in which he may apply the same thought, 
greatly to his own advantage and to theirs as 
well, and to the permanent strengthening of his 
habits of work. 

A keen sense of social oneness may also pre- 
vent the too frequent heart-burnings among shy 
and sensitive children. This is as easily cul- 
tivated as is the opposite, and is of great impor- 
tance both in childhood and in later life. The 
seeming injustice of the teacher may often be 
made clear, and seen to be just, when the wel- 
fare of the whole school is taken into considera- 
tion. This is a matter of the natural enlarge- 
ment of the child's mental horizon, and if the 
proper spirit has been fostered, the child will 
welcome it. Should it be done carefully and 



Etiquette for Children 219 



wisely, the roots of many social weeds will at 
once be eliminated. 

Fault-finding should be discouraged in school 
and at home. It is never the best method of 
fault correction, and should not be counte- 
nanced. 

The bringing home of tales of the teacher 
and of schoolmates, in a spirit of complaint, 
should not be permitted. Pleasant accounts of 
happenings at school should be encouraged, but 
grumbling against rules, as well as personal 
gossip, should not be permitted. The authority 
of the home must support the authority of the 
school or the child will nowhere receive that 
discipline and training which he needs in order 
to meet the experiences of life. 

The child should be allowed a certain sum of 
money, which, even in the most lavish homes, 
should be a little under what the wants of the 
child require. The giving of this money should 
be done regularly at a stated time, and there 
should never be any extra giving, or increase of 
the usual sum, except under very unusual cir- 
cumstances, which should not be allowed to 
happen more than once a year. 

The child should also be held accountable for 
his money. If he is old enough to have any 
money, or to spend any, he is old enough to tell 
how he spent it, even to the last penny. Unless 
all is accounted for, the habits of accuracy and 



220 The Etiquette of To-day 



care are not formed. The record of this should 
he written down, even if done very simply and 
without special form, and later, as the child 
grows older, more conventional forms of book- 
keeping should be required. 

It should be also required that there be some 
saving, which is preferably a certain proportion 
of the whole, this for a beginning to which to 
add extra sums as the child may wish. This 
saved sum should be permanently put by, and 
drawing from it should not be permitted. It 
may be transferred to a bank at long intervals, 
always by the child himself, and his pride in 
doing it and keeping it there should be cul- 
tivated. 

These matters may all be made a game and 
sheer fun. Their grave importance is apparent 
on every hand. For the child which has been 
taught early to do these things, will do them 
with such ease as to make it seem instinctive, 
and the child who does it will never, under any 
ordinary circumstances, come to want. 

The proper behavior in church should be 
taught rather by trying to inculcate the spirit of 
worship than by making rules to be followed. 
A child is very susceptible to impressiveness 
of any sort, and if the reason for it is made 
clear to him, he will be quicker to respond to it 
by a reverent attitude of spirit than does an 
* older person. Even the obstreperous child is 



i 



Etiquette for Children 221 



at least temporarily impressed, if he sees that 
others are, and if he knows the reason for it. 

Children should realize that it is their priv- 
ilege and duty to serve guests, whether their 
own or their parents. The sacrifice of one's 
own comfort for the sake of the guest takes, 
with a child, the form of a sort of play, usually 
because of the excitement of the arrival of a 
stranger, and the possibilities of fun in the 
enjoyment of the stranger's stay. 

The child should be taught respect for the 
guest's person, and should not be allowed to take 
the same liberties with a gown or a glove that 
sometimes the mother or aunts permit, no mat- 
ter how great the novelty of the texture or how 
it appeals to the child's sense of beauty. The 
privileges of being a guest should be always 
duly respected, and the child be thus taught at 
once his duty as a host and his position as a 
guest. 

Children should never be allowed to play 
with a visitor's hat or cane, or handle furniture 
or ornaments in a strange house, or show by 
ill-mannerly conduct the curiosity which a 
child, in unaccustomed surroundings, naturally 
feels. They can be taught so great a respect 
for the possessions of others that they would 
become able to stifle their curiosity, or express 
it only at a fitting time. 

Children should not be sent to the drawing- 



222 The Etiquette of To-day 

room to entertain visitors, unless the visitors 
request it themselves. Nor should they be al- 
lowed to be troublesome to visitors or guests at 
any time, any more than servants should be 
allowed to be insolent. They should never be 
allowed the freedom of the rooms of the guests, 
nor to visit them often or long. 

Children should not be permitted to enter 1 
into the pleasures of their elders when, to do 
so, would be to spoil the kind of sociability for 
which the occasion was intended. At all formal 
functions, children are out of place, When 
making formal calls, children are usually in 
the way, and the silent part they are forced to 
play is disagreeable for them. They are also 
out of place at a funeral, or in a cemetery, or 
anywhere that there is mourning. It is an in- 
jury to a child to see grief, — unless it be his 
great concern, and in that case it is no longer a 
matter of etiquette, but of necessary life expe- 
rience. 

Children should not dine out except by special 
invitation. It is as discourteous to permit a 
child thoughtlessly to inconvenience a neighbor, 
as it is wrong for the child to think that such 
uninvited visits are permissible. 

A child should be taught never to touch what 
does not belong to it ; except with the express 
permission of the owner. This applies to goods 
in a store, as well as to the furniture of places 



Etiquette for Children 223 



other than his home, and to the belongings of 
others in his home. 

A child should not be allowed to intrude into 
a drive, a walk, a call, or a conversation. It 
is unfair to the child, and awkward for him, 
and is no kindness, as it takes away the benefit 
which he might otherwise derive from the pleas- 
ure either by continually snubbing his self- 
respect, or by repressing his energy and curi- 
osity to the danger point. 

Children should not be allowed to go to picnic 
parties, unless they have been invited and enter- 
tainment prepared for them. 

Children should be taught to treat servants 
with all the politeness with which they treat 
their elders, and with much more consideration. 
The converse of the servants with children 
should be of the same careful and pleasant 
quality that the best parents use and desire. 
This may well be insisted upon. On the other 
hand, the children should be taught that serv- 
ants are busy people, that they should never be 
imposed upon, and that unnecessary work 
should not be made for them. 



CHAPTEE XIV 

ETIQUETTE OF MOTJENTNG 

Upon the occasion of a death in the family 
a reliable undertaker is at once notified and his 
suggestions followed as to the necessary prepa- 
rations to be made for the funeral. 

The shades are drawn throughout the front 
of the house, as a sign that the family is in 
retirement. The women of the family are not 
seen upon the street unless necessary, the men 
taking full charge of all business matters. The 
directions which the undertaker desires should 
be decided upon by the family, or nearest rela- 
tive of the deceased, and then some one member 
of the family should be delegated to see that 
they are carried out. Palm leaves tied with 
ribbon or chiffon, spray bouquets of white 
flowers tied with ribbon, an ivy wreath broken 
with a bunch of purple everlasting, are much 
preferred to crape upon the door. 

Press notices of the funeral and death should 
be sent to the newspapers. The conduct of the 
funeral should be arranged with the clergyman 
chosen to officiate, the superintendent of the 



Etiquette of Mourning 225 



cemetery consulted (usually through the under- 
taker), and the notes of request sent to those 
chosen to act as pallbearers. Sometimes the 
latter are purely honorary, the undertaker fur- 
nishing the bearers. The honor is usually given 
to intimate family friends, or close business 
associates in case of a business man. 

A carriage is always provided for the clergy- 
man, and he is entitled to a fee, although clergy- 
men do not charge it, either at a home or church 
funeral. If the service is held at a church, the 
sexton, organist and singers, — and the singers 
at a home funeral as well, — are entitled to 
recompense for their services. 

Carriages are sent for the pallbearers, and 
are also provided to convey the family, and as 
many of the friends as may be invited to go, to 
the cemetery. 

One may announce in the newspaper " Burial 
private," in which case it is understood that 
only the family attend at the grave ; or " No 
flowers " if the family wish the usual sending 
of flowers dispensed with. 

The clergyman usually consults the wishes 
of the family as to the form of service, the 
hymns or music, and remarks. The funeral 
service should be brief, and preferably a ritual 
service with no sermon or eulogy. The last are 
usually harrowing to the feelings of the 
mourners, and there should be every reasonable 



226 The Etiquette of To-day 

effort made to relieve the tension of the occa- 
sion, for the sake of the living. 

At a church funeral the pallbearers sit in the 
first pews at the left of the center aisle ; the 
family in those to the right. At a home funeral 
it is customary to have the family in some se- 
cluded room near the one where the coffin is 
placed and to have the clergyman stand in the 
hall between, or at the entrance of the drawing- 
room, where he may be readily heard by all. 

If the service at the grave immediately fol- 
lows the funeral the house should meanwhile 
be aired, the shades lifted, the flowers all sent 
away to some hospital, and the rooms arranged 
in the usual way. 

Before a funeral at the home, it is necessary 
for some member of the family to receive the 
relatives from the distance, and the very in- 
timate friends, and see that they are given 
necessary refreshment, and their return to 
trains, if they must leave immediately after the 
funeral, thoroughly understood by the hackmen. 

At a home funeral the singers should be some- 
what distant from the family, so that the music 
is not loud. 

The members of the family are dressed in 
hats and veils ready to enter the carriages, be- 
fore the service. They pass to view the body, — 
if, according to a former custom, the casket is 
left open, — last of all, and enter the last car- 



Etiquette of Mourning 227 



riage before that of the pallbearers, which im- 
mediately precedes the hearse. 

In sending flowers to a funeral, one's card is 
enclosed. There should be no slightest sense of 
obligation in the sending of flowers, and each 
piece should represent only real sympathy or 
respect. 

The putting on of black garments as a sign 
that one has lost a near relative has been much 
modified by the good sense of the people, and 
the period of mourning shortened, especially in 
England. In stating the accepted mourning 
custom, the moderate observance of it has been 
given, both extremes being ignored. 

Crape is the quality of goods most closely 
allied with mourning. Black dresses trimmed 
with black crape are usually worn for the first 
few months by women who have lost a near 
relative. The black veil worn by widows is now 
of moderate length, and usually not of the very 
thick material which was once in vogue. A 
ruche of white is now placed just inside the 
bonnet, which relieves the black effect somewhat 
Black furs and sealskins are worn with mourn- 
ing. 

The English fashion of six months of the 
deepest mourning and six months of secondary 
is meeting with more and more approval in this 
country, although for a close relative a year is 
the first period and six months the second. 



228 The Etiquette of To-day 



One who is in mourning does not appear in 
society for the first six months ; after that it 
is permissible to attend a concert or musical, 
but not the theater or a reception while severe 
mourning is worn. 

During the mourning period, black-bordered 
stationery is used. The border on paper and 
envelopes is usually three-eighths of an inch 
for a close relative and half that for a more 
distant one, or during the secondary period of 
mourning, if one cares to make the change. 
The personal visiting card has a black border 
during this time. 

The handkerchief is bordered with narrow 
black, or is of narrow-bordered, plain, sheer 
linen. 

For relatives-in-law it is not customary to 
put on black, although for a father- or mother- 
in-law it is customary, in the best society, to 
dress nearly as for an own father or mother. 

A widower wears a complete suit of black, 
white linen, dull-black silk neckties, dull-black 
leather shoes, black gloves, and a black ribbon 
of broader width upon his hat. 

The mourning band sewed upon the coat 
sleeve is a discredited form of mourning. It 
does not denote the nearness of the loss, and 
has only the virtue of cheapness for those who 
cannot afford to show marked respect to the 
dead. 



Etiquette of Mourning 229; 



Men do not observe the custom of withdraw- 
ing from society for as long a time as do the 
women, but usually reappear at the homes of 
intimate friends, at public places of entertain- 
ment, and at the club after two or three months. 
As long as the mourning band is worn upon the 
hat, however, no man should attend large and 
fashionable functions, as dinner or dancing 
parties, or the theater. 

After six months a woman may resume call- 
ing, returning the calls of those who called upon 
her in the early weeks of her bereavement. 

Children of fifteen years of age and under 
should not wear mourning. 

The viewing of the body of the deceased as 
it lies in the casket is the privilege of only the 
family and the immediate friends, and should 
not be requested by others. Therefore, the 
casket is now usually closed before the funeral 
service, especially if that be at a church. In 
case of a man in public office, it is sometimes 
necessary that the body should lie in state for 
certain hours, when the public may pay their 
respects. 

Punctuality is very necessary in regard to 
everything connected with a funeral service, as 
the overwrought nerves of those who are sor- 
rowing should not be taxed to bear any extra 
tension. 

Within ten days after the funeral, a card of 



230 The Etiquette of To-day 

thanks for sympathy should be sent to all who 
have called upon the family or sent flowers or 
offered their services in any way. 

When one is in mourning, one does not at- 
tend a wedding reception, though one may he 
present at the ceremony. Black should not be 
worn. 

Mourners announce their return to society by 
sending out their cards to friends and acquaint- 
ances. 



CHAPTEE XV 



MILITARY, NAVAL, AND FLAG ETIQUETTE 

The social usage in respect to military or 
naval officers follows ordinarily the customs of 
formal occasions or occasions of state in civilian 
life, or is provided for in the instructions of 
the army and the navy, which the members of 
those two departments of the service would alone 
be expected to know. There are, however, one or 
two occasions where the etiquette of social life 
is, or may be, modified by the formalities due to 
these representatives of the Government. 

The Formal Military Wedding 

The church or formal home wedding where 
the bridegroom and his attendants are all army 
men, may have the distinctive feature of the 
arch of swords or bayonets. The bridegroom and 
the ushers, in that case, are all in full dress uni- 
form. The bride and bridesmaids are dressed 
daintily and fluffily to afford contrast. The 
church should be decorated with palms and lilies, 

231 



232 The Etiquette of To-day 

and with the national and the regimental flags in 
the chancel. As the organist begins the wedding- 
march, two color-bearers of the regiment, carry- 
ing one the national flag and the other the reg- 
imental colors, precede the bridegroom and the 
best man from the vestry. The latter take 
their usual places, and the color-bearers move 
to a position at either side of the chancel steps. 
After the ceremony, they move to the head of 
the aisle, and the ushers form a line to the 
foot of the chancel steps. The ushers then put 
on their caps, unsheathe their swords, or raise 
their bayonets, and form an arch with them. 
Under this arch pass the bride and bridegroom, 
and the bridesmaids. Then, sheathing their 
swords and removing their caps, the ushers fall 
into line at the end of the procession. 

Naval and Yachting Usage 

When one is the guest of the owners or 
the officers of a yacht, or of the officers of 
a government warship or other large vessel, 
it is well to know that in the lading of the 
gig for reaching and leaving the ship, the or- 
der of precedence is always as follows: Jun- 
iors in rank or official importance enter the 
gig first, and the one highest in rank immedi- 
ately precedes the Captain, who is always the 
last to embark and the first to disembark. In 



Military r Naval, and Flag Etiquette 233 



leaving the gig, the order is reversed from that 
on entering it, the junior in rank thus being the 
last to leave the boat. 

The Etiquette of the Flag 

The flag is displayed every day only on gov- 
ernment buildings and schoolhouses. On state 
holidays, and like commemorative days when it 
is customary for the flag to be displayed on pri- 
vate buildings, it should be raised at sunrise and 
lowered at sunset. It should not be displayed 
on stormy days, nor left out over night. It 
should never be allowed to touch the ground. 
When it is to be displayed at half-mast only, it 
should be raised to the tip of the staff and 
then lowered halfway. It should never be fes- 
tooned or draped, but always be hung flat. 

On Memorial Day, May 30, the flag should be 
displayed at half-mast until twelve o'clock noon, 
and then raised to the top of the staff until 
sunset. The salute for the changing of the po- 
sition of the flag at all army posts and stations 
having artillery, is as follows: Immediately 
before noon, the band plays some appropriate 
air, and at the stroke of twelve the national 
salute of twenty-one guns is fired. After this 
the flag is hoisted to the peak of the staff, 
while everybody stands at attention, with hand 



234 The Etiquette of To-day 



raised to the forehead ready for the salute. 
When the colors reach the top, the salute is 
given, and the band plays patriotic airs. 

The salute to the flag is used at its formal 
raising, and when it passes on parade or in re- 
view. The hand salute according to the regula- 
tions of the United States Army is as follows: 

"Standing at attention, raise the right hand to 
the forehead over the right eye, palm downward, 
fingers extended and close together, arm at an 
angle of forty-five degrees. Move hand outward 
about a foot, with a quick motion then drop to 
the side. When the colors are passing on parade 
or in review, the spectator should, if walking, 
halt, if sitting, arise, and stand at attention 
and uncover." 

In schools two forms of salute are taught. 
The first, for primary children, is: "We give 
our heads and our hearts to God and our coun- 
try; one country, one land, one flag." The sec- 
ond, for all other pupils, is : "I pledge allegiance 
to my flag and to the Republic for which it 
stands: one nation indivisible, with liberty and 
justice for all." 

When the flag is carried on parade, it is 
dipped in salute to the official who is reviewing 
the parade. Whenever the flag is displayed with 
other flags, — whether the colors of a regiment or 
other military organization, or of alien nations, 
— it should be placed, or carried, or crossed, at 



Military, Naval, and Flag Etiquette 235 

the right of the other flag or flags. When por- 
trayed in illustrations by any process or for 
any purpose, it is so pictured that the staff 
will always be at the left and the fabric will 
float to the right. 

The chief regulations governing the compo- 
sition of the flag are as follows: In the field 
of the flag there should be thirteen horizontal 
stripes, alternating red and white, the first and 
the last stripes red. These stripes represent the 
thirteen original colonies. The colors red and 
white were chosen by George Washington, the 
red from the flag of England, the Mother 
Country, broken by the white, symbolizing lib- 
erty, to show the separation. The union of the 
flag — white stars on a field of blue — should be 
seven stripes high, and about seven-tenths of the 
height of the flag in length. "The stars should 
have five points, with one point directly up- 
ward."* The stars symbolize the States. "By 
an act of Congress on October 26, 1912, the flag 
now has forty-eight stars, arranged in six hori- 
zontal rows of eight each."* 

* Turkington, "My Country": Chapter XXIII, "Our Flag." 



THE END 



INDEX 



Abbreviations, 99, 113, 115 

Absent-mindedness, 125 

Acceptances, 112 

Accidents at table, 154 

Accounts for children, 219, 220 

Acknowledgment of wedding 
gifts, 211 

Addresses on cards, 100; on 
envelopes, 60-6G, 118; on in- 
vitations, 114, 118 

Addressing: The President of the 
United States, 62, 63; Vice 
President, 63; Members of the 
Cabinet, 64; Ambassadors, 
63, 64; Governors, 63; May- 
ors, 63; The King of England, 
64; Dukes, 65; The Pope, 65; 
Bishops and Archbishops, 65, 
66; strangers, 66, 67; married 
women, 67 

Addressing wedding invitations, 
118 

After-dinner speeches, 166 
Afternoon tea, 145 
Afternoon teas for the engaged 
girl, 180 

Allowances for children, 219, 220 
Amusement, places of, 122-124, 

170 
Anger, 8 

Anniversaries, 40 

Announcement of engagement, 
179-181; by newspaper notice, 
179; by personal note, 74 

Announcements: engagement, 74. 
179-181; birth, 104, 105; death, 
224, 225; marriage, 116; post- 
ponements, 119, 120 

Answering Letters, 76 

Apology, 29, 31 

Appearance, personal, 6, 10 



Applauding, 124 

Art of Being a Guest, The, 137- 
144 

" At Home " days, 145, 146 

" At Home " invitations of bridal 

couple, 116, 117 
Attitude toward strangers, 132, 

133, 135 



Balls, 112 

" Bal Poudre " invitations, 112 
Beautv, 10, 15 
Begging pardon, 29, 82, 130 
Behavior in churchy 124, 125; 

public, 122-136 
Best man, duties of, 8, 196-199, 

201, 205, 208 
Birth announcements, 104, 105 
Birthdav anniversaries, 41 
Blank invitation, the, 109, 110 
Bow, the, manner of, 78, 79; 

significance of, 80-82 
Breakfasts, 148, 149; dress at, 

12,36; menu of , 148; wedding, 

204-207 

Bridal party: at rehearsal, 191; 
at " showers " and dinners, 
181-183; at church, 192 

Bridal procession, formation of, 
196, 202, 203; at a church wed- 
dimr, 197, 199; at a home 
wedding, 202 

Bridal " Showers," 181-183 

Bridal veil, 190 

Bridegroom's duties at cere- 
mony, 196-199; preparation 
of a home, 185; share of ex- 
pense of wedding, 186; wedding 
outfit, 186, 187 

Bridesmaid, duties of a, 8, 196-200 



238 



Index 



Business acquaintances, 129 
Business cards, 100 
Business, etiquette of, 83, 129 
Business introductions by cor- 
respondence, 70 
Business letters, 54, 55, 60 
Business meetings, 123 
Business training of a wife, 23 
Business women, social life of, 
171, 172 

Cake: wedding, 206; bridal, 207 
Calling upon one person, 93; a 

guest, 93 
Calls: after entertainment, 90, 
138; by men, 92; first, 94, 95; 
formal, 90; friendly, 90, 93; 
obligations of, 91, 138; upon 
brides, 94; clergymen, 94; 
government officials in Wash- 
ington, 94; newcomers, 94; 
people of note, 94; return of, 

90, 95; time of, 90 
Candles, use of, 151 

Card, The Personal, 96-105; 
form of, 96, 105; form of 
name on, 97, 98; inscription of, 
97-100; titles on, 97, 100, 101; 
use of, 102-105; after change 
of residence, 103; announcing 
a birth, 104, 105; announcing 
a departure, 104; leaving, 90, 

91, 103; of sympathy, 104; 
of congratulation, 104; present- 
ing at calls, 91, 95, 102; when 
visiting or traveling, 103, 131 

Cards, Place, 152 

Carriages for wedding, 193, 196; 
for funeral, 226 

Casual Meetings, 78-90 

Chaperon, Duties of the, 169- 
173; necessity of, 169; in pub- 
lic, 169, 170; at calls, 170, 172; 
with the engaged couple, 173; 
for the debutante, 172; rela- 
tions with one's, 172, 173; at 
a dancing party, 139, 147 

Character, 7 

Children, Etiquette for, 214-223; 
and mourning, 222; and serv- 
ants, 214, 223; and visitors, 
221, 222; at the dining table, 
217; in church, 220 



Church, attendance, 143; beha- 
vior in, 124, 125; of children, 220 

Church weddings, public, 194, 
213; private, 213; invitations, 
114-119 

Cleanliness, 14 

Club dinners or receptions, 165, 166 
Club invitations, 111 
Club officers, 165 
Conclusions of letters, 66, 70 
Coffee, service of, 154 
Condolence, letters of, 75, 76; 

acknowledgment, 76, 120 
Congratulations, 76 
Conformity to custom, 203 
Congresses, guests at, 167 
Consideration on the part of a 

guest, 141-143 
Convalescence, 45 
Conversation, 16, 48-52; at 

table, 35, 46 
Correspondence, 52-55 
Correspondence cards, 56 
Country, entertainment in the, 

161-164; parties, 144, 164 
Country wedding, 117, 212, 213 
Courses at formal dinner, 157, 158 
Courtesy, 2, 3, 4, 5, 18, 19, 20; 

to servants, 45, 46, 47, 144; 

to nurse and doctor, 45; to 

invalids, 44 
Cutlery, arrangement of, 152 

Dancing Parties, 138, 139, 140; 

invitations, 109-111 
Daylight, use of, 149 
Deaf persons, 32 
Debate, 50, 51 

Debutante and the chaperon, 

169, 172 
Decorations for wedding, 192 
Deference to elders, 214 
Dessert, service of, 154, 158 
Dinners, 149-158; announce- 
ment of, 155; choice of guests, 
150; conversation at, 49, 150; 
formal, 137, 149; invitations 
to, 109, 150; lighting of, 151; 
menu of, 157, 158; place cards 
for, 152; retiring from, 156; 
seating guests at, 151, 155; 
156; service of, 152, 153, 
table-setting for, 151, 152 



Index 



239 



Discipline, 46, 47 
Dress, 11, 36, 112, 128, 134, 140, 
186-190 

Dress for men: afternoon, 13, 94; 
early breakfast, 13; formal 
breakfast, 13; evening, 14, 
156; at weddings, 14, 186 

Dress for women: at home, 16; 
ball, 13; church, 12, 189; 
dinner, 12, 13, 150, 155, 189; 
formal breakfast, 12; house 
party, 140; luncheon, 12 ; mourn- 
ing, 13; traveling, 130, 141; 
visiting, 140; wedding, 187-189; 
as business woman, 15; as host- 
ess, 13; as housewife, 16; as 
milliner, 15 

Driving, 127, 128 

Duties of Host and Hostess, 145- 
168 

Emerson, iv 

Engaged couple, the: at a dan- 
cing party, 139; at home, 177; 
duties to friends, 178; in so- 
ciety, 177-179; meeting each 
other's friends, 178, 179 

Engagement announcements, 
179-181 

Engagement, The Broken, 183- 
185; announcement of, 183, 
184; explanation of, 184 

Engagements: punctuality, 17, 32; 
punctiliousness in keeping, 17 

English customs of entertain- 
ment, 158, 159 

Engraved Invitation, The, 105- 
121; stock of, 105, 106; type of, 
106, 107, 108; size of, 105, 106 

Entering a room, 27 

Entertainment, assisting in, 123, 
124; English customs of, 159; 
for guests, 142, 162; in the 
eountry, 163 

Entertainment committees, du- 
ties of, 166 

Envelopes, 118; addressing, 59, 
60, 61, 114, 118; sealing, 59; 
stamping, 59 

Ethics, 1 

Etiquette, an art, 2; the end of, 
Hi; the need of, iii, 2; The 
Rewards of, 1-5 



Etiquette of Mourning, 224-230 
Etiquette of the Marriage En- 
gagement, The, 174-193 



Family Etiquette, 20-47 
Faults among women, 18 
Fees, 144 

Festivities, rural, 164 

Finger bowls, 37 

First Calls, 94, 95 

Five o'clock tea, 145 

Forms of wedding invitations, 
114, 115; announcements, 115, 
116; reception cards, 116, 117; 
bridal " At Home " cards, 
116, 117; personal cards, 96- 
105; dinner invitations, 109; 
reception, 117; "At Home," 
116, 117, 120; party, 109; 
New Year, 121 

Forms of announcements of post- 
ponement, 119, 120; gratitude 
for sympathy, 120 

Friends, 21, 42-44 



General Rules of Conduct, 26-33 

Gifts, 40, 41, 42; engagement, 
181, 185; for " showers," 181- 
183; of bridegroom to bride, 
186; of bridegroom to ushers 
and bridesmaids, 186; to serv- 
ants, 144; wedding, 210-213 

Giving away the bride, 198 

Gloves, 149, 151 

Golden Rule, 2 

Good-night formalities, 28; at a 

reception, 138; dancing party, 

140; dinner, 156 
Graduations, 167, 168 
Greeting guests at a luncheon, 

149; dinner, 156; reception, 147 
Greetings, 28, 78-83 
Guest chamber, 160, 161 
Guest, the art of being a, 137- 

144, 167 
Guest: at afternoon tea, 137, 

138; a congress, etc., 166, 167; 

country house, 159; dancing 

party, 138; reception, 138; 

wedding, 195, 196, 201 
Guests, tardiness of, 155 



240 



Index 



Handshaking, 80, 82, 86, 87 
Handwriting, 58 
Haughtiness, 11 
Home, founding the, 20-26 
Home wedding, the, 201-203; 

invitations, 115 
Horseback riding, 128, 129 
Hospitality, 145, 165-168 
Hotel etiquette, 126, 127, 133- 

136; dining-room civility, 135- 

136; dress in, 134 
House parties, 158, 159; sports 

at, 163 

Household management, 22 
Host, duties of, 137, i66-168 
Hostess, duties of, 127, 137 

Illness, 44, 45 
Impartiality, 30 

Informality in entertaining, 164 
Ink, 58 

Inscriptions on cards, 97-100 

Interruptions, 17, 49 

Introduction, letters of, 70-72; 
advisability of, for business, 70; 
socially, 70, 71; presentation 
of, 72; obligations of, 72 

Introductions, 84-89, 148; at 
chance meetings, 87; at a 
dancing party, 87, 89, 138, 
139; at a dinner, 89, 149; by a 
guest, 86; by a hostess, 86, 90, 
discrimination in, 85; form of, 
84; of a gentleman to a lady, 
84, 86, 88; responses to, 84; 
responsibility for, 88; to one's 
relatives, 88 

Invitations (See " Engraved In- 
vitation, The"); for dinner 
and dance, 111; entertain- 
ment at club, 111; formal, 
105-121; informal, 74, 112; 
of widower, 111, 113; bach- 
elor, 111, 113; widower with 
daughters, 111; to call, 93; 
to " Bal Poudre," 112; dan- 
cing or other parties, 109; 
dinners, 109; luncheons, 108; 
receptions, 117, 120, 121; 
" showers," 182; visits, 158; 
weddings, 114-117; to meet 
a guest, 120, 146; to meet a 
son, 113; to mourners, 114 



Invitations, written, 110, 112; 
acceptances of, 112; replies 
to, 113 

Jewelry, 12 

Kant, 2 

Letter writing, 52; discretion in, 
52, 53 

Letters: Conclusion of, 66; of 
classic literature, 53; of con- 
dolence, 75, 76; of Introduc- 
tion, 70-72; of recommenda- 
tion, 73; opening those of 
others, 24; opening, in com- 
pany, 29; Salutation of, 66- 
68; Signature of, '66-69; to 
servants, 74; to strangers, 74; 
giving orders, 74 

Letter-heads, 56, 57 

Lifting the hat, 78, 81, 82, 83 

Linen, for dinner, 151; trous- 
seau, 189, 190 

Luncheon, 148, 149; menu of, 
148; dress at, 12 

Maid of honor, duties of, 197, 199 
Management of household, 22 
Mannerisms, 17 
Manners, 7 

Marriage, 20, 21; ceremony, 
197, 198; certificate, 191; cus- 
toms, 203; license, 190; obli- 
gations of, 20-26 

Men's cards, 96; club name on, 
100; form of, 96; inscription 
on, 97; omission of address, 
100; titles on, 97, 100, 101 

Monograms, 56 

Monopoly of conversation, 49; 

in friendship, 43, 44 
Morals, 7 

Mourning, dress of, 227-229; 
Etiquette of, 224-230; periods 
of, 227; stationery of, 228 

Music at a wedding, 197, 200, 
202 



Neatness, 14, 46, 129 
Neglect of family, 22, 25 
Nichols, Dr. T. L., 9, title-page 



Index 



241 



Non-acknowledgment of courte- 
sies, 18 

Notes, apologetic, 55; congratu- 
latory, 76; requesting a favor, 
55; social, 57, 58; sympa- 
thetic, 75, 76 

Obligations of letters of introduc- 
tion, 72 
Old English type, 106-108 
Openings, formal business, 165 
Out-door weddings, 212 

Paper for correspondence, 55 

Parents: consideration for, 217; 
consulting, 174; duties of, 169, 
170; negligence of, 173 

Party invitations, 109, 110, 112 

Penmanshio of invitations, 110 

Personal Card, The, 96-105 

Personality, 6-19 

Picnics, 163, 164 

Place cards, 151, 152 

Plates, service of, 153 

Position, 10; at table, 33 

Posture, 10, 28 

" P. p. c." cards, 99 

Presentation of letters of intro- 
duction, 72 

Presents: birthday, 41; gradua- 
tion, 42; to the ill, 45; wed- 
ding, 40, 210-212 

Press notices, of engagements, 
179; funerals, 224, 225 

Privacy, 24 

Professional cards, 100 

Proposal of marriage, 174-179; 
bv letter, 175; decision of, 
175; spontaneity of, 176; 
warding off, 175 

Public, Behavior in, 122-136 

Public functions, 165-168 

Punctuality, 17, 32, 142, 149, 
154; at church, 125; at funer- 
als, 229; for children, 217, 218 

Receiving, at an afternoon tea, 
147; dancing party, 147; de- 
butante party, 147 
Reception, guest at, 137, 138 
Receptions, 137, 147; business 
openings, 165; college or 
school, 167; club, 165 



Recommendation, letters of, 73 
Rehearsal lor wedding, 191 
Rejection of proposals, 175 
Removing hats in public places, 
18, 122 

Replies to business letters, 76; 
friendly letters, 76; letters of 
introduction, 72; notes of 
invitation, 76 

Reply requests, 73 

Reverence, 125 

Riding dress, 128 

" R. s. v. p.," 113 

Rural festivities, 164 

Sacrifices, 42, 45 

Salutations, 28; of letters, 66-68 
Savings banks for children, 220 
School behavior, 218, 219 
Script type, 106-108 
Sealing Envelopes, 59 
Seating guests at table, 151, 155. 
156 

Self-consciousness, 10 
Self-control, 8, 31, 215 
Send-off of bridal couple, 207 
Servants, 73, 144; and children, 

223; in the country, 161 
Service of a dinner, 152-158 
Shaded Roman type, 106-108 
" Showers," Bridal, 181-183 
Signatures, 66-70 
Simplicity in the country, 16l-< 

164 

Sincerity, 7, 9 

Social introductions by corre- 
spondence, 70-72 
Social calls of men, 92-94 
Social life of the married, 24 
Speech, 7, 16 

Speeches, after-dinner, 166; at 
wedding breakfast, 206 

Stamping Envelopes, 59 

Stationery for mourning, 57, 228 

Stock of invitations, 105, 106 

Strangers, addressing, 66, 67; at- 
titude toward, 122, 124, 130- 
132, 135 

Street etiquette, 129, 132, 133 

Sympathy cards, 120 

Table etiquette, 33-40; for chil- 
dren, 217 



242 



In&epc 



Third-person letters, 74 
Time of wedding, 194 
Tips, 144 

Titles on cards, 97, 100, 101 
Training of servants, 46 
Traveling, 130, 131; dress, 130; 

expense, 131 
Trousseau, 187-190 
Type of invitations, 106-108 

Unselfishness, 9 
Use of cards, 102-105 
Ushers, at wedding, duties of, 
195-198, 201 

Visits, 158-165; being enter- 
tained, 142, 162, 164; dress, 
140; entertainment, 158, 159, 



163, 164; length, 158; pro- 
longing, 142 

Wardrobe of bride, 187-189; of 
bridegroom, 186 

Wedding, anniversaries, 40, 41; 
breakfast, 204-206; cake, 206, 
207; fee, 208-210; invitations, 
114-119; journey, 208; prep- 
aration for, 185-193; presents, 
210-212; reception, 205, 207; 
ring, 191; suit for bridegroom, 
186, 187; wardrobe of bride, 
187-189 

Whispering, 29, 123 

Withdrawal from society during 
mourning, 224, 227, 228 

Writing on cards, 99 



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